A much anticipated story..
Currently, I am feeling a little...gladful. I look at my life now, at where I am standing, I may not be at my finest moment but I am happy.
I got out of a very horrible relationship, something I refused to speak of to anyone. I look back at it, and glad that at least now I am no longer there. I felt emotionally and mentally abused in that relationship, I was constantly condemned for who I was, I felt constricted in doing what I wanted to do, I restricted myself from doing what I wished to do in order to accomodate and please my used-to-be-significant-other. I felt like I was living in a miniscule world, where I had restricted space for my well-being and freedom. Funny thing is, when I was in that world, it didn't feel that bad..it's until I got out of it then I see all the stuffs that I had missed out. It was a dull, dark world where hope seemed practically impossible.
I thought he was the reason I woke up to. I thought he was near perfect. I loved him dearly, with no doubts. I was willing to anything for him. I put him before myself. Not only I was no one to him, he thought that I wasn't doing my best at all..with all the effort I put in. He condemned me again. I lived my days in search of a better self for him, believing that I wasn't good enough. To him, the scene out from my window is bullshit, while the scene out of his window is utopia..he made me believe that too. I constantly tried, but for some reason, it's just never good enough. I remember waking up to tears, falling asleep in tears, curling in my bed bawling in pain...and somehow I did not know what and where went wrong. Things just seemed wrong but I couldn't exactly identify anything..and I did not know how to get out it.
I remember particularly well on his birthday bash, a night which I looked forward to because it was his big day. He was drunk, and physically abused me infront of his friends, he hit me. I swallowed the pain. His words, shattered my world into pieces. He shouted at me, "You drama queen! You f*cking useless b*tch, you're good for nothing, you're the worst person that came into my life! Get away from me, I don't want to see you ever!". Again and again, repeatedly. That wasn't all, when he was sober he admitted that he meant those words, he even told his friends about it and made a joke out of me.
Five months later, we called it off. But, on the same week..I heard about the horrible news from my mom about my dad. That night, I broke down crying and I called him hoping for comfort, for old time sake's security and comfort. In my mind, I thought I had lost even the sense of security and comfort from home, he was the only person who still felt like home. I've came to learn the word cold just then. He said, "Did you tell me all these in hope that I'll patch back with you out of sympathy? Because you know what, it's not going to happen. When I said I don't care, I meant I really don't."
Tears didn't do my pain any justice then. I was broken, officially. We're talking about a guy who shared intimate moments with me before, a guy who I grew fond of for the past four years, a guy who I loved. I looked at him with disbelief...I got up and walked out of his room. I walked and walked and did not turn back..I vowed to myself that I will not. I told myself that I am going to gather myself back, walk out of his life forever. In fact, I did. Whenever there's a point when I felt like turning back, I let his words played in my mind...every time I did it, tears formed. I still feel the same pain today when I replay it..but this time it serves different purpose. Those sentences are the reason why I am strong now, I told myself I will not let him crush me, I am going to prove to him that I am much better without him. I am going to show him that I do not need him. I will stand strong, no matter how hard the blow was.
This is my story. A story that many has anticipated, a story I refused to share in order to avoid, a story I refused to tell because I refused to believe it's true. I am glad I've finally found the strength to do so now, because it means that I've finally snapped out of it.
I've found back myself. I've found new grace, strength and hope and I did it all by myself.
I got out of a very horrible relationship, something I refused to speak of to anyone. I look back at it, and glad that at least now I am no longer there. I felt emotionally and mentally abused in that relationship, I was constantly condemned for who I was, I felt constricted in doing what I wanted to do, I restricted myself from doing what I wished to do in order to accomodate and please my used-to-be-significant-other. I felt like I was living in a miniscule world, where I had restricted space for my well-being and freedom. Funny thing is, when I was in that world, it didn't feel that bad..it's until I got out of it then I see all the stuffs that I had missed out. It was a dull, dark world where hope seemed practically impossible.
I thought he was the reason I woke up to. I thought he was near perfect. I loved him dearly, with no doubts. I was willing to anything for him. I put him before myself. Not only I was no one to him, he thought that I wasn't doing my best at all..with all the effort I put in. He condemned me again. I lived my days in search of a better self for him, believing that I wasn't good enough. To him, the scene out from my window is bullshit, while the scene out of his window is utopia..he made me believe that too. I constantly tried, but for some reason, it's just never good enough. I remember waking up to tears, falling asleep in tears, curling in my bed bawling in pain...and somehow I did not know what and where went wrong. Things just seemed wrong but I couldn't exactly identify anything..and I did not know how to get out it.
I remember particularly well on his birthday bash, a night which I looked forward to because it was his big day. He was drunk, and physically abused me infront of his friends, he hit me. I swallowed the pain. His words, shattered my world into pieces. He shouted at me, "You drama queen! You f*cking useless b*tch, you're good for nothing, you're the worst person that came into my life! Get away from me, I don't want to see you ever!". Again and again, repeatedly. That wasn't all, when he was sober he admitted that he meant those words, he even told his friends about it and made a joke out of me.
Five months later, we called it off. But, on the same week..I heard about the horrible news from my mom about my dad. That night, I broke down crying and I called him hoping for comfort, for old time sake's security and comfort. In my mind, I thought I had lost even the sense of security and comfort from home, he was the only person who still felt like home. I've came to learn the word cold just then. He said, "Did you tell me all these in hope that I'll patch back with you out of sympathy? Because you know what, it's not going to happen. When I said I don't care, I meant I really don't."
Tears didn't do my pain any justice then. I was broken, officially. We're talking about a guy who shared intimate moments with me before, a guy who I grew fond of for the past four years, a guy who I loved. I looked at him with disbelief...I got up and walked out of his room. I walked and walked and did not turn back..I vowed to myself that I will not. I told myself that I am going to gather myself back, walk out of his life forever. In fact, I did. Whenever there's a point when I felt like turning back, I let his words played in my mind...every time I did it, tears formed. I still feel the same pain today when I replay it..but this time it serves different purpose. Those sentences are the reason why I am strong now, I told myself I will not let him crush me, I am going to prove to him that I am much better without him. I am going to show him that I do not need him. I will stand strong, no matter how hard the blow was.
This is my story. A story that many has anticipated, a story I refused to share in order to avoid, a story I refused to tell because I refused to believe it's true. I am glad I've finally found the strength to do so now, because it means that I've finally snapped out of it.
I've found back myself. I've found new grace, strength and hope and I did it all by myself.
posted by pink penguin at
5:40 pm
7 Comments:
what?! he hit u??? wait a min, are we talking about the same guy here?? i mean, oh my god!!
oh my god...how could he do that to u? that's terrible babe. i felt ur pain when i read this..u were going through so much..i reli didn't know u were going through all these shit. i've always thought it was just everyday relationship problem..nothing as serious as this..this is so scarring..it's so terrible...huggsss
who the f*** did he tink he was to have the right to treat u this way!! he's utter trash! no wonder u refused to talk about it, takes a lot of strength to believe that reality is this harsh and yea..the man u were dating suddenly mutated into some sorta monster. truth is, ur too good for him.
u've always been strong...am happy you found ur strength =)
omg how could u have bottled this up all this while?!! that bastardSOAB!! i agree with bobo what goes around will come around. at least the whole experience made u stronger and may help prevent u from getting hurt by other mfckers like him in the future. remember nobody else can love you like you can love yourself!!
nnoooo waayyyy...!! how could he have done that to u!! and how long has this been happening??? why u never tell anyone? u poor thing u know..why keep to urself girl, u deserved so much better than u owned!
What made him think that he's more superior than you to treat you like that? You know what girl, you're SUPER! you did the right thing - stride out of his life and never looked back. Truth is, he may still think that he's on top of your list but too bad he cant even make his way to top 100 now. Shame!
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