A hidden self..

Sometimes I find it amazing how our inner self can be so different from who we appear to be. I've appeared to be someone sane, independent, emotional and responsible to most people. But, there are a lot of random stuffs about me that no one really knows.

For instance...

There is a child in me who I believe most people around me are unaware of. I love colouring. Yes, colour pencils and colouring books. I own a fairy/goddess colouring book which I simply adore. Sometimes when I got carried away by the complicated side of life, this little kid in me will emerge. I will spend hours sitting alone in my room colouring. The kind of feeling I get from doing this is simply..innocence and the beauty of simplicity. Sometimes when everything in reality seems so harsh and mean..just by sitting down colouring, filling in the colours that I wish and have a beautiful end result is just so satisfying. And often, I wish life is as beautiful and as colourful as those that appeared to be in my colouring book. Everything seems...yea, beautiful, colourful, happy, simple and innocent.

Then there is a very wild side of me. I want to just be out there! I want to be on stage pole dancing, I want to be drinking until I drop, smoke like a chimney, do all sorts of drugs I can place my hands on, I want to flaunt myself like I have no commitment and no shame, I want to be doing anything I wish with no boundaries. I want to feel like I have no responsibles, no second thoughts, just...carefree and live today and simply do whatever things I want to do.

And undoubtly, there is a very depressed and weak side of me. There are times when I just want to break down, I want to cry, I want to just lay there and die. I want to be no one and just do not want to be known. I want to shut down to everyone around me, I want to just collapse and give up. Life sometimes can get to you so much that you often repeat to youself to not give up in life, to be strong, have faith and sometimes, I wished I could just not be any of those. I do not want to hold on and act strong or force myself anymore..when I just want to let go of everything and...just let things be. I fantasized evaporating from the surface of earth at the snap of my fingers to some unknown faraway land.

I scare myself with my own random thoughts sometimes..!

A place to look for love

It's quite easy to fall into the trap to believe that love is thinning in the world today. Human generation seems to be "growing" too..evolving from a pure innocent generation filled with the purest love, to an age overshadowed by hatred, killings, wars and terrorism. Big questions and issues about love, peace and humanity are often raised but left unanswered. Flip open the newspaper every morning to find proof of cruelty; love on the other hand, is seldom depicted.

However, there's this one place where I often find very comforting, it's a place where love is always in the air, where love overpowers hatred, where hatred barely exist -- airport arrival hall. I once sat slouching at the arrival hall waiting for a friend's delayed flight, suddenly I straightened up when I saw family reunited, a 3 year old running with an open arm towards his father who have just touched down, a grandfather swinging his grandchild high up the air - grandfather laughing and child giggling, lovers kissing passionately, friends hug in joy. I heave off a sigh at that perfect sight and felt warmth shimmering in my heart.

If we could see love, if love was visible, solid and not abstract, it would be the most beautiful thing in the world.

Goodbyes are never easy..

Almost every 6 months of intervals, I send off friends. I hug and kiss goodbyes to dearest ones in my life.

A year ago on a rainy winter night, I sent off two wonderful American friends. Six months ago prior the warm festive Christmas, I kiss goodbye to one of my dearest girl friend and hug two Italian guy friends tight as farewell. And yes, it's now the time of the year when I have to kiss another goodbye to another very special friend. There's this very tight tuck in my dear heart. Truth is, this type of goodbye is heart-wrecking, because you know the last hug may just be the last, because you know after that there's no chance that you'll be seeing each other again and because...these people are those who shape your life in a far away land from home. Being a student away from home in a stranger's world, friends are very much like your family. They're the ones who drag you to the doctor when you're sick, comfort you and hold you when you're down, bring you warm homemade soup on cold winter nights, appear at your door step with chicken essense on exam days. They are..family.

Tonight, I dedicated my prayer to those who have touched my heart and shaped my life in a very special way, I pray that love and happiness is always with them and whispered a sincere thank you.

"Some people come into our lives and quickly go.
Some moves our souls to dance.
They awaken us to new understanding
with the passing whisper of their wisdom.
Some people make the sky more beautiful to gaze upon.
They stay in our lives for awhile,
leave footprints on our hearts
and we are never, ever the same."
-Anonymous

Tonight's thought

I have a weird thought tonight...

It's really ironic to lost count in the number of people you know, the family and friends you have but in the end, find yourself stumbling at the fact that you have no one to rely on..that you're living with sharp emptiness.

Have you ever have the thought that you wished you could just vanish from the surface of the world? When you're really reluctant to deal with any sort of problems and just be alone in..your own world, perhaps. Maybe, to a place where no one know your name, your age and your background.

Sometimes, I'd rather everyone not know me and just have myself...rather than having people around me who not only create more problems for me in my life, but also walk out of my life whenever I need a hand.

Yes, I'd rather be left alone. Maybe I am just...really weird.

A moment lost..

Tonight is a very different night,
So full of emotions,
Now I am left with numbness.
I lit the candle,
Made myself a cup of camomile tea,
Wrapped myself up in my bathrobe,
Told myself it's ok; fight no more.
Sometimes to win a battle,
- is just to retreat and be easy to yourself.

I am not the girl who lives her dream.

I came across a masterpiece composed by Beethoven when I was looking through my computer – Ludwig van Beethoven's legendary Symphony No. 9. Hurriedly I clicked on it and let it play while I shuddered in pleasure. Aahhhh yes, it's not until I found it then I realized how much I've been neglecting and missing the musical artistic part of me.

As the music plays, I find myself traveling back in time to when I used to not be able to live without my piano and violin, to when playing the piano seemed to be my everyday life, to when an orchestra performer was my ambition. When I managed to pull myself back to reality and find myself landing on a big pile of psychology books and notes, I realized I've let go of my biggest dream.

What seems to be the perfect occupation is a classical music orchestra performer – let is be a violinist or a piano player. Why? Simply because firstly, then my job is my hobby, or my hobby is my job - I get to indulge in the thing I enjoy most everyday. Secondly, I get the "ummph" of performing on the stage playing the infamous Mozart or Tchaikovsky's music with pride and get the sense of achievement after every performance. Thirdly, at the same time I am carrying out my job I get to travel around the world of course – to Vienna, Paris, London and so much more. Fourthly, I get to look sophisticated and professional on stage - I get make-up artists to make me up, have my own fashion adviser, and look decent, confident, independent and successful. Also last but not least, I'll definitely get to meet some charming gentlemen – may it be a member of the orchestra or simply a guy who chill with a glass of Mocha while reading the newspaper by Venice.

What have I done to myself?!
I am surely not the girl who lives her dream. Sigh.

The practical side of fate..

I can't help but admit how fate can play a big part in making who we are. I am not saying that life is in total control by fate and destiny, but sometimes, it is really impractical to think that fate plays no part in painting out our life.

Think about it.

In Arab, a 10 year old girl is being raped mercilessly...
In Paris, lovers are kissing by a candle-lit river...

In Indonesia, a 7 year old boy is eating out of a garbage can...
In Japan, business men are having a $300 lunch...

In Thailand, a 16 year old girl is giving birth to a HIV-positive baby...
In Chicago, a fireman risks his life to save a cat from a burning building...

How else can you argue that it's not in the hands of fate? The difference may just be that you're born in the different continent in the world thus there goes, God hands you that life, you have no choice - just to take it and live with it.

What is overwhelming and sad is the fact that how most us can still whine about our lives when we have almost everything..how we still take granted of what we have - how when after we can afford an apartment we aim for an condominium that overlooks the city, how after we drive a Honda we wish for an Audi, how we cry over a break up and think that's the end of the world, so on and so forth.

I guess, it's not until we take a look at the world's problem, we realize how fortunate we are and our problem is nothing but a speck of dust in the galaxy.

A stranger's smile and warmth

I was kinda disturbed by an elderly lady who walked into the cinema where I work today. She's alone, dressed in black, skinny and wears glasses. She has a very nice granny smile and reminded me of one of my grandma's good friend when I used to see a lot when I was still a kiddo. She was asking me for a comedy and claimed that she needs something to cheer her up so I told her we're showing but she was not really keen on the ones that were showing at that time and said not much luck is on her side today. We then talked about some movies and plain surface stuff and every once in a while she flashes a warm, gentle smile. Finally she decided what show she wanted to watch, I smiled and told her I can give her a cup of coffee or tea for free so she can just relax while waiting for the movie to show. She looked at me for a while emotionless, then told me that I am a very kind person. She said that sometimes even strangers can be so kind and blabbered that she had a very bad day and she felt like crying and trailed off. My automatic respond wanted to reach out to her and give her a hug..but my position at that time didn't allow me to because there were other customers waiting. I simply assure her that whatever happened, it will fall back into place, everything will be ok soon for her. Tears welled up in her eyes and kept thanking me for being such a kind person and at that moment I had a surge of emotion and empathy towards her and bitterness stirred up from within me.

When I was in my bus ride home after work I thought of her again. I wondered if she's ok, I wondered if she has anyone there for her, I wondered what happened and why she was alone. What she said was branded in my brain, it's true how sometimes a kind, caring stranger can make your day seem so much better after some depressing incident. I promised that I would be a nice not only to people I know but also towards strangers every time, I do believe that smiles you carry means a lot sometimes - even to someone who you completely don't know. Flashing a smile and show kindness every time you come across someone can be so meaningful that you gives comfort. I strongly agree that everyone has his/her day, hence it is important we always be nice and carry a smile around - we often underestimate how much a smile and small pinch of warmth can brighten someone's day.

A Smile,
It cost nothing, but creates much.
It enriches those who receive, without impoverishing those who give.
It happens in a flash and the memory of it lasts forever.
None are so rich they can get along without it and none so poor but are richer for its benefits.
It is rest to the weary, daylight to the discouraged, sunshine to the sad, and nature's best antidote for trouble.
Yet it cannot be bought, begged, borrowed, or stolen, for it is something that is no earthly good to anybody till it is given away!
If someone is to tired to give you a smile, leave one of yours.
For, nobody needs a smile so much as those who have none to give.

When our mind lose its plot

I had a discovery today..most mental disorders exist because our minds fail to cope with our environment. Let's put it this way, when something traumatic happens, we feel sad and bothered..in order to feel better, our minds try to cope with it..but sometimes when we try too hard that the coping goes out of the way and our minds lose the plot, we end up falling into a deep, dark hole that we cannot climb out of and very often we wished that we would hit the bottom so that we would never fall again. The process of falling..and falling...is the mark beginning of mental disorder - may it be just a mild depression or scary dissociative identity disorder. And sadly, the "bottom", to many mentally ill person, is death because to them, that's true freedom.

Venturing into the disturbed minds..

Today I spent my whole day venturing into the mind of individuals with mental disorders. From people with eating disorder to people suffering from panic attack with agoraphobia to individuals with posttraumatic stress disorder. In order to understand their minds, you'll have to put yourself in their shoes and think like them and it's not easy for a healthy functioning person to make him/herself think like the disturbed minds.

I have deep sympathy for those disturbed minds and emotions. Sometimes studying Abnormal Psychology amazes me on how our tense external cues and environment can take away our peace of mind..sometimes, all it takes is just one small cue to put a person in deep emotional and psychological threat while it can take a lifetime for that person to actually snap out of it. I was quite bothered by individuals with Posttraumatic stress disorder. These group of people experience extreme anxiety after a traumatic events in their life. They tend to recurrent and relive that incidents when they face panic attack. Such individuals will avoid anything that can remind them of the traumatic events and sometimes become dissociated, meaning that they turn into a totally different person and may also be accompanied by depression or panic disorder. For example, one can be an absolutely warm and fun-loving person but after being a traumatic experience, because one tries to avoid any cues that can trigger his/her painful experience, one may turn into a cold, depress and secretive person.

Looking into the human minds make me realizehow vulnerable our minds can be..and it is quite sad to find out that most psychological problems nowadays are caused by society/human threat.

Calling Attention for Unskilled Msn Users!

This time round I am going to talk about how much some Msn user annoys me. The fact that Msn is not like any random web-based chat place, it's a place where only people who you know make it there means that I am bearing in mind that I am definately going to offend some of my friends who use Msn. But ya, this is just my opinion.

People with "Away" sign.
I must say there are some folks on my list who's 24/7 on that freaking "Away" sign irregardless if they're really away or they're at the computer. What is worse is some just log onto Msn, clicked and changed their status to away and leave it there forever. I am not talking about people who had to leave the room for maybe half an hour to run some errands, I am talking about people who just come online to slap on that Away sign on their msn and leave the house for the whole day to Uni or whatever shit they're engaged in and then after maybe 23 and half hours they finally got home and switched off their msn. I call this bunch of people "The Teaser" who come online and leave the computer alone forever with no fucking intention to chat yet leaving their chat partners that they have the intention to chat. And FYI it's not just once or twice, it's almost everytime you message them. If you have no fucking intention to chat then please be nice to turn off your Msn so that you don't give the wrong impression that you're around and up for a catch up.


Next..


People with "Busy" sign plus additional DND msg.
With this I don't mean people who are occasionally on the busy mode but almost everytime. If you do not wished to be disturbed, then why sign online in the first place?! Sometimes such individuals even have the dignitiy to leave rude additional message like "I am very busy now so please do not expect me to reply your msg" or "Busy, DND unless it's a life-and-death matter!". It is just plain pathetic. If you're really that freaking busy, I am honoured to represent everyone to tell you that it is OK that you don't appear online. Seeing these people online with that goddamn "Busy" mode with additional rude DND message everytime I log onto Msn just ticks me off. I call this group "The Attention-Seeker" because it seems to me that they come online just to show off their "Busy" mode and tell you that they have a more occupied life than you do.

Finally..

I would like to have the gratitude to introduce these bunch of "Away" and "Busy" Msn users that there is such thing as "Appear Offline" on Msn just incase they never really realized. First off, that Appear offline mode saves you the troubled of being disturbed which I am sure both groups would high appreciately and definately saves you your precious 5 secs not having to type up the additional DND message since you're already so busy.