a hollow void..

Two days ago I was reading through my daily horoscope on the internet in the morning. There's one particular line that caught me. It said that I should look around me - at the people that I have around me and I should feel lucky. It said that I am very lucky, and I should realize that. I shrugged, smiled then and thought, "Oh perhaps.".

On that same day, I was told a terrible news. My mother called me from overseas and spilled her sorrow. It has been something that I sensed, but reality bites most when someone reassured you. I opened up my heart through that long distance call, sat at one corner of my bed, tried my best to share with her and sobbed silently. My dad is having an affair again.

My world tumbled down. I questioned God that very night why do we deserve this. I questioned why two most important men in my life - my love and my father - have to walk out on me at the same time. I am slashed and hurt. I don't know how to deal with life anymore.

I wrapped up my day that night, letting out a cynical laugh about that daily horoscope. Lucky? How exactly am I lucky?! How exactly can I still be lucky with a life like this? I was left unanswered. That night, I slept in a bed of tears.

I choose not to comment further on this issue..because I don't know how to word my disappointment and pain. If I were to give a piece of advice to any men out there, I would say my piece of smartest advice - Never have affair, never cheat - it scars a person forever, the pain and destruction is massive and indescribeable. No one deserved to be put through these. It's a pain that no time and no one can ease. Then again I thought, if a man can understand and feel me at this point, then he won't be as dumb to hurt someone who loves him so.

The sound of white

It's been a while without you in my reach,
the only time I've touched you is in my sleep.

But time has changed nothing at all -
you're still the only one that feels like home.
I've tried cutting the ropes,
tried letting go but you're still the only one
that feels like home.

Spring has sprung

After two weeks of non-stop battling and racing with time, handling tests and assignments along with work, I've finally gotten a chance to rest and retreat today. Ahh, I've missed the delight that the simplest things can bring. It's a Sunday on Spring, 2006. The sun shines, the skies is blue with cotton candy clouds, the breeze tones the heat down, the trees sway, the songbirds sing, the bees buzz. I put on Nat King Cole's, open my window, drew the blinds, lay in my bed with two magazines and let my body unwind..

Mmm, if only I could freeze time.

Money-talk

I still remember that one time favourite saying that goes, "Money is not everything; money can't buy happiness."

Whatever happens to money being superficial or bring only temporary happiness, personally, I think it is a different story now. Let's face it. I am sure every one of us has a subconcious level on how important money is in the world today, it's just most of us are tied to our moral and our conscience bound that is can be still quite difficulut to bring ourselves to admit most things that used to be impractical or used to be unwise. Otherwise, we're just in denial.

Talk about money only brings us superficial and temporary happiness, may I ask, don't human too, bring us just superficial and temporary happiness? 21st century or the post-modern world, whatever you wish to describe the world today, I don't see world as a welcoming and peaceful place anymore, I certainly don't see human as genuine and as promising anymore.

Money is everything in the 21st century, because human are not as reliable anymore. Human, to me, are even more superficial. They are capable of turning their backs on you or bite back on your ass when you least expect them to. Chuck away that shit comforting saying that naively goes, "They may be poor but they're a closely knitted family and at the end of the day they have each other and are happy.". That probably worked in the 80's or 90's, but untrue and impractical now. No one will be happy being looked down at, no one will be happy without having enough money for higher education or something along that line.

Money is happiness. When you're down, money is all you need for retail therapy, money is all you need to buy whatever that is capable of lifting your mood. If you come from a rich family, you go to uni, you lead a better life, you live in better house, you eat better food, you lead healthier life, you are exposed to more and better chances, thus, your probability of being happy is higher.

I know, it's just something so depressing to admit. Sad, but true.