Hello Disney babies..

Do you remember Chip and Dale, Donald Duck, Speedy Gonzales and The Smurfs?

I nearly forgot about their existence until recently when I tried to rediscover my childhood. I watched those 5 mins long cartoon episodes and chuckled my way through. I simply adore watercolour cartoons, never a big fans of the modern 3D ones.

Adulthood is so dreadful isn't it? I've been carried away by responsibilities, and let part of my innocence drifted away from my soul until I recently tabbed in "Classic Looney Tune cartoons" and "Classic Disney cartoons" on youtube. The search result amazed me. The child in me relived and I sat there like a 5 year old girl, hugging a soft-toy, squealing and giggling while I watched.

Childhood memories are so, so precious, too good and too many to be true. I can sell them and be rich if I want to. The only problem is that you all have your own. =)

Smiles

There's a very old man who always comes to see me when I work. He's never a customer, always just a passerby. But since then I've found a friend in him. We happened to talk one day after I flashed him a smile, he returned one and told me it's very nice to see me smile. I wasn't exactly having the brightest day in my life then, but what he said soothed and comforted me.

And now everytime when he's in the mall, window shopping as his form of exercise for his legs, he'll pop his head into the store to look for me. And whenever I see him, I'll smile very automatically, no matter how many crappy things I have at the back of my unrest mind. He's one person who reminds me to smile, he's also one person who makes me smile effortlessly now. Or rather, he finds a reason for me to smile. And everytime just before he leaves, he'll say, "Now, don't you stop smiling. I like to see you smile, you have the brightest smile.".

He once randomly said, "Life..as you go, you make out of it. Don't look too far down, you get disappointed, live the days as it comes, you'll be a happier person.". I stumbled, and thought, maybe's he's God's messenger. Ahh! Wise man's words, wise man's words.

He must really be a God sent guardian angel. I mean, what are the chances of a stranger catches your gaze and you his, and at that moment, urge to mutually salute to this chance passing is so strong that it tugs the egde of both your lips? Then, what are the chances that that random smile gains you a new friend?

I like meeting nice people, because it gives me hope.

Human Instinct

I used to think that there were two types of men/guys: the good and the bad. Hence, I comforted myself to not to worry, I would pick a good one! Or I used to say to not stereotype all guys as bad, because there were some good ones.

I've learnt a new theory and changed my perspective.

Perhaps, there's never two groups of men. They're never subcategorized as the good or the bad. They are all the same. Even the best good guys you rate has a fuckhead element in them..it's just the matter of revealing it when they have to. It's just their nature. Not being a stereotypist or a feminist here, I am just stating facts that most guys prefer to deny and most ladies prefer to ignore. To admit facts isn't exactly what everyone would like to do, because once you've admitted, you're living in the facts and for this one, it's not exactly a decent reality to be living in.

It's just like how every woman has maternal instinct; every men probably has....well..dickhead instinct. So I'm thinking perhaps it's not entirely their fault, though I despise that side of men; perhaps it's just time for us to accept it as a reality so when things happen, instead of hoping that they will change to make our life better, we ourselves should be the ones who should make change for the better of our day tomorrow. Because at the end of the day - yes, people can influence you; yes, people can comfort you; yes, people can turn your life around but who is the one who will make the biggest difference - it is ourselves. If we want happiness, we seek out for it, we gather ourselves together, chuck away reliance and depend on ourselves. Because truth is, end of the day, everyone is self-centred so if you don't fight for yourself and take care of your own well-being, no one will.

I ache for them..

I've been put through a lot of pain but I felt the most ultimate pain when I know my loved ones are in pain or are being tortured. It's beyond any pain that I felt for myself. It's so much worse than that, it's excruciating.

I prayed, I pleaded, I begged, I teared, I sobbed, and I bawled. God, please have mercy, please..just please.

A million dollar question

One of the million dollar question that I'll always ask my friends is, "Do you believe that a person will change after s/he gets richer?"

I used to study social psychology and in the seminars, many million dollar questions would be raised. At some point I thought studying psychology can be a hazzard to one's mental health itself because we have to consider so many things that are not usually brought up in any normal being's day to day life. But I guess, the whole point of being a psychologist is having to be aware of the nastiest things that could happen and know a way to tackle it or having an awareness to fight for the right of the person who's involved.

Postmodernization was the actual topic that particular morning in class but because in this postmodern world, our priorities have changed entirely to decades ago. Many of our beliefs which are brought forward from the past into our world today is purely based on the past, when life could be much simpler and easier. One of the issue that was raised was that - Education is power and power is happiness, power is the way to life. So I sat there thinking, why is education power? Is it purely because of knowledge or is it education equals better money, hence allows a person to feel more powerful? So I threw out my question. From the equation above, my lecture raised his eyebrow and asked me if I agree that when a person gets richer, a person will change?

It certainly took me quite a while to answer. I put myself into the whole situation and timidly answered yes. Money does change a person. Quite often, when a person get richer, s/he posses more power, it is hard to stay humble with everything you've got. I had some respond saying money is not happiness. Is it not? So, I brought up few issues about feminism and domestic violence. Domestic violence happens because woman has no power, no money. When a woman earns money on her own, she automatically earns herself some power, hence, easily freed herself from the threat of domestic violence. Decades ago, domestic violence is such a huge issue over the continent. Domestic violence forced women out of their comfort zone, from typical stay home housewifes to independent women who dream big. Then, the whole social norms have changed, nowadays capable women will say "screw you" and leave the guys who ever thought of threatening them. Why? It is because they have the knowledge, they have the ability to earn their own money and support their own living, they have earned power.

My own personal experience reflects that with more money you get, you certainly change. Sometimes it may be a good thing, but not another. With the money and power, a person usually trade in his humbleness, breeding that greed and arrogance.

Let me spill my heart..

I sat outside the library with a cigarette in between my fingers and looked out aimlessly. A year ago on the same day, although I don't remember particularly well..I am sure it was a brighter day to me than today. Life is so unpredictable, so unexpected. I would never see this me in me a year ago. I was happy, full of life, I was different.

I've turned into someone so bitter, drained, and snappy sometimes I don't even recognize myself. Environment changes a person greatly. How you are sometimes are shaped so much by your surroundings or people around you and I am ashamed that I have to be like this. I know people around me do not deserve my bitterness, but, how fair can life be sometimes, because I would like to yell to the whole world that I do not deserve all these either.

I am so sorry I choose to shut down on so many people in my life, literally. I avoid friends just because I am scared to be questioned "How are you?" or "How have life been?"..because my friends, life haven't been good on my side. I do not want to lie and say it's fine because every lies I put on, tucked that fragileness in me. But, I also don't wish to pathetically answer a "no" to that question, I don't want to sound hell passive. Those that I have to face or choose to face, I treat them like a punching bag but in my heart I know they are not the ones who deserve that from me because they have not mistreated me in a bit. I snap at random people just because I think I am not pleased or I just don't put up with the slightest shits. I actually wouldn't mind calling myself a bitch. I feel so sorry for people who have no idea about my situation and just being snapped at for no reason. I know I have no right to be a bitch when they have no single idea about what I am going through, I may appear to be most unreasonable now, but I am so sorry to have to say I don't know how to still be reasonable and sensible now when I can't even get my head around myself.

I owe many apologizes, many thank yous, I haven't been my best self. I am at the stage where I have dark clouds over my head sometimes I just wished I don't need to wake up to deal with all these. I am at that very edge where the slightest thing can flare me, I am hyper sensitive to my surroundings, and extremely vulnerable, I sometimes switched on my defence mode too fast.

I so want to give up, so want to just say I don't want to care anymore but let's face it, the last thing I want to be is be selfish. I have a choice to not care and leave, leave everything behind but I am the kind of person who cannot just say "heck", especially to people or things that mean a lot to me. As painful as it is, as dreadful as it is, I am never the kinda person who choose to give up. Giving up doesn't run in my blood, I bear..every bit of those hurt and nastiness, I put it on my shoulder and try to walk upright with it. Let it turn me into someone bitter or snappy or depress, at least I know at the end of the day I do that with a reason, a reason that maybe many people will not comprehend.

As much as I want to say I love the two most significant men in my life, I hate them for bringing pain to me just for their relief. The pain is so intensed that for the first time in my life I actually lost myself. I don't know who I am anymore, because the hurt twisted me into a total stranger. I will never comprehend the two, never want to find a reason to be able to too..because if I can, I want to have a permanent scar there - it'll keep me going, make me into a stronger person, change me. I will never be as innocent as before, though the price I have to pay may be the bitterness that's brewing in me, but let's just let that be then. No one in this world has to right to come to me and tell me to forgive them, because I've been there and done that too many times, this time it's just way over the top. No one will understand what I have been put through..I would love to forgive if I could, but honestly, this is far too intense for that word to fit in. I can very surely announce to the world that they owe me, a lot. It is a hurt that no time can ease..it shall be a guilt that they carry to their graves.

To people who's been supportive, I may make you feel unappreciated but here again I can announce to the world that the every bit of your care and support will always be cherished. When the time is right, I can assure you guys that you'll receive a note in your mail with my apologies for being a bitch at this point, and thank you for standing by me at my darkest moment. It is indeed very true that they say you'll find out who your true friends are during your hardest time. You guys may not felt like you've done a lot, but you actually gave me the reasons to fight through this. I can only pray that as the days gone by, I can be stronger and stronger and life can be easier on me.

Life please be simple.

One of the best features on MSN has got to be the block & unblock function. With just one effortless click, the person is blocked and you no longer need to deal with him/her there. Another click, s/he is non-existent on your list.

I wished, life too, could be this easy on just a few clicks away. I wished, emotions too, could be this simple with just either an 'on' or an 'off' button.

Run

I know that things got very nasty when all I want to do is run. But most of the times, I don't know where to. I don't know how I could still pull off smiles and laughters and appeared strong, I know, however that I am really wilting in there.

I managed to have a little escape from my harsh reality when I bud into the warmth of another family. I let their life took over mine, for a little while. I am truly grateful for it, truly. I had cold sweats the moment I thought I am alone, I hate being alone now. I am scared and very vulnerable. I am afraid that I can't hold up anymore. But I know I cannot fall, because as much as my world has crumbled, I still need to be a pole for a person. Then again, I wished someone is here to tell me that I can be weak for just this once, that if I happened to fall, I'll have them to hold me through if I don't want to be strong again, that it is ok, that my burden is shared. Normally, I wouldn't allow myself to appear weak, but this is the first time I actually wished that someone is there to allow me to be weak, just this once. But..I felt like whenever I arrived at a doorstep, the door automatically shut on me. I've moved around like a nomad; I have no purpose, I lost my direction in life.

Hence, my other option is to run. Run. I wished that I could just vanish into thin air; or I could carry a new name and leave behind my past 21 years of life and start a totally new life somewhere else. I am a piece of white paper scribbled, tattered and torn. I am tired, very.

I wished that I could die and be reborned into someone totally new at this very moment. Perhaps someone who's more keen, enthusiastic and optimistic with life.