What could it be?

I got out of bed feeling very funny today. I tried to figure out what's wrong but ended up feeling very jittery and restless.

Just last night I went to my work conference/cocktail party. It was supposed to be a rather good night until I met my ex's very close friend who works for 3mobile too. She never liked me, I've hated her since the day I saw her 4 years ago. There's just something about her. I've already expected to bump into her, so I put on my best look, carry myself bold and waved to her generously when I saw her. She scanned me from top to bottom, gave me fake smiles and put on some sarcastic comments like how I ditched them. Truth is, I don't even see my ex, why should I entertain them? I told myself it is ok, because end of the day I did the right thing, I made initiation to greet her and respect her presence, as I've always done since before. I knew it will certainly reach my ex's ears, and it wouldn't be pleasant. What was comforting was that before I went up to her, I brieftly told some of my colleagues what happened between me and my boyfriend and how that can relate to her, I had them behind my back the whole time I was talking to her. Is seeing her the reason to why I am feeling unsettled today?

Or could it be just the fact that I am moving out. Two nights ago, I chucked my ex's clothes out in the bin while packing, last night I removed him from my virtual world, today..I'll leave this house and start a completely new life. I walked around the house and ended up in the backyard smoking. I haven't smoked for at least a month, I felt like I needed one. Then a picture came into my mind, it was then when we were just barbequeing in my backyard, just right there, at that spot. I still remember what I wore, what he wore, who was around, and what we did. By tomorrow, it'll all be over. It'll be at the stage where he will be totally non-existent in my life. I am going to lead a completely new life, with new surroundings, new social life, new routine.

Or could it be just workplace stress. I received some news regarding reshuffling of managers in my company last night. One manager lost her position, another one is pushed to the other end of town, about 1.15 minutes drive from his house. Is that a way to force him out of the position? I feel for them because both of them are the most diligent ones. I had a talk to my manager about it, I did not like the idea, though I knew I wasn't in any position to be able to change anything but I really felt bad for them. I was brushed away with an advice - so be it, welcome to the working world! I feel the unfair-ness of this world creeping out of its shell again, I strongly put forward the idea that it is because their stores have a less busy venue hence they are having less sales, it's basic logic, it's not them to be blamed, really not! I was once again brushed away with a comment that I couldn't argue. So is this general working world for business firms? It's either you or me, either one have to go down, there's never fairness, but there's forever competition.

Or could it be homesickness. I've been getting worried about home. Most of the time I tried to push away the thoughts, but doing so make me feel really selfish. But when I think about it too much, I feel very helpless and frightened.

...Suddenly I just realized, from all these issues I've penned down here, it all comes down to a point - uncertainty. Uncertainty of what future will hold..

Revitalization

I just did something amazing just now - deleted my ex from my friendster and MSN account, scanned my photo album once more and deleted anything that had his or his friends in there. I'm living a totally new life now, and I am getting rid of insignificant people. I did a friend list spring cleaning..and I must say I feel way more comfortable without him.

I've never thought it could be that easy. I never thought I would have done that and gone that far of getting him out of my system. But tonight I officially felt like I've had enough. If he still thinks that he's my world, I just proved him so wrong; if he thinks that he loves his life now without me, then I shall approve because I feel the same way. I've came to the point where I cannot give in anymore, because I've been constantly giving. Now is the time for him to do something if he thinks its worth it, because it takes two to tango and clap. If it doesn't mean anything to him, then why should I worry?

Frozen summer memory..

Right outside my window right now is the scene of my landlord and her boys running around the backyard weeding, and mowing the grass.

I don't know why but for some reason I've decided to hide in my room, keep quiet and just watch them. Maybe because it reminds me of my childhood, with my parents and our family dogs. I used to hate to help around in the backyard but it's something I miss doing now. The smell of freshly cut grass and the warm summer heat sure add up to it.

Maybe that's why I refused to go out to spoil the moment, because through my window, I am seeing a very beautiful picture and it's probably through watching them that allows me to hang on to the memory that so nearly faded away from me...

A much anticipated story..

Currently, I am feeling a little...gladful. I look at my life now, at where I am standing, I may not be at my finest moment but I am happy.

I got out of a very horrible relationship, something I refused to speak of to anyone. I look back at it, and glad that at least now I am no longer there. I felt emotionally and mentally abused in that relationship, I was constantly condemned for who I was, I felt constricted in doing what I wanted to do, I restricted myself from doing what I wished to do in order to accomodate and please my used-to-be-significant-other. I felt like I was living in a miniscule world, where I had restricted space for my well-being and freedom. Funny thing is, when I was in that world, it didn't feel that bad..it's until I got out of it then I see all the stuffs that I had missed out. It was a dull, dark world where hope seemed practically impossible.

I thought he was the reason I woke up to. I thought he was near perfect. I loved him dearly, with no doubts. I was willing to anything for him. I put him before myself. Not only I was no one to him, he thought that I wasn't doing my best at all..with all the effort I put in. He condemned me again. I lived my days in search of a better self for him, believing that I wasn't good enough. To him, the scene out from my window is bullshit, while the scene out of his window is utopia..he made me believe that too. I constantly tried, but for some reason, it's just never good enough. I remember waking up to tears, falling asleep in tears, curling in my bed bawling in pain...and somehow I did not know what and where went wrong. Things just seemed wrong but I couldn't exactly identify anything..and I did not know how to get out it.

I remember particularly well on his birthday bash, a night which I looked forward to because it was his big day. He was drunk, and physically abused me infront of his friends, he hit me. I swallowed the pain. His words, shattered my world into pieces. He shouted at me, "You drama queen! You f*cking useless b*tch, you're good for nothing, you're the worst person that came into my life! Get away from me, I don't want to see you ever!". Again and again, repeatedly. That wasn't all, when he was sober he admitted that he meant those words, he even told his friends about it and made a joke out of me.

Five months later, we called it off. But, on the same week..I heard about the horrible news from my mom about my dad. That night, I broke down crying and I called him hoping for comfort, for old time sake's security and comfort. In my mind, I thought I had lost even the sense of security and comfort from home, he was the only person who still felt like home. I've came to learn the word cold just then. He said, "Did you tell me all these in hope that I'll patch back with you out of sympathy? Because you know what, it's not going to happen. When I said I don't care, I meant I really don't."

Tears didn't do my pain any justice then. I was broken, officially. We're talking about a guy who shared intimate moments with me before, a guy who I grew fond of for the past four years, a guy who I loved. I looked at him with disbelief...I got up and walked out of his room. I walked and walked and did not turn back..I vowed to myself that I will not. I told myself that I am going to gather myself back, walk out of his life forever. In fact, I did. Whenever there's a point when I felt like turning back, I let his words played in my mind...every time I did it, tears formed. I still feel the same pain today when I replay it..but this time it serves different purpose. Those sentences are the reason why I am strong now, I told myself I will not let him crush me, I am going to prove to him that I am much better without him. I am going to show him that I do not need him. I will stand strong, no matter how hard the blow was.

This is my story. A story that many has anticipated, a story I refused to share in order to avoid, a story I refused to tell because I refused to believe it's true. I am glad I've finally found the strength to do so now, because it means that I've finally snapped out of it.

I've found back myself. I've found new grace, strength and hope and I did it all by myself.

A door shuts, another opens.

Reconciliation...

I've tried, in terms of friendship and relationship. I must admit, it isn’t the same feeling anymore. So different, so awkward, so foreign. There seems to be a boundary, an invisible line that once triggered, all’s gone. No one knows for sure if history wouldn’t repeat. No one knows for sure if feelings wouldn’t decrease. No one knows for sure if everything wouldn’t change. No one knows.

Strangely, being all timed inquisitive humans, we gave ourselves one more chance. Only to fight in fear that nothing’s going to happen and things we’re dealing now are for the better.

After a couple of mending things up, I gave up. The hands I once held, now covered with a glove, give no more sense of security. The daily conversations we once had, with same words and phrases, now scream coldness and untruthfulness. The person once stood by me, with the same smell, same style, and same build, now provides an unfamiliar presence. I've learnt that when things or feelings have changed, there's no point looking back or turning back hoping to mend it or make a difference because there will be no difference - what's done is done. If things aren’t meant to be yours, there’s no point in holding on. Especially false hopes.

Saying goodbye isn’t necessary a bad thing. You never know the next person entering your life, may be your lucky star.

This world is consumed by selfishness!!

I stayed up last night catching up on MSN with a close friend who shall remain anonymous in this entry. Half way through the conversation, a recent exhousemate nudged me. After attending to her, I found out that she was in trouble and may probably get to the hospital. Problem was that she left her phone in someone else's house and had no means of communication. I did not quite get what she was trying to tell me, because of the language barrier, but I knew she was afraid, alone and needed help.

I turned to that close friend who I was happening to be talking to, and told her that I am going to take a cab to my exhousemate's house and bring her to the hospital because obviously she was in some trouble. That close friend gave me a cold shoulder, told me that I am too helpful that it is stupid and that only I will bother, no one else would be so silly. Her reason was that it was already going 2am, and it's silly to be wasting my money taking cab and insisted it could wait because it wasn't a life and death matter. I fired back, asking her how could it be possible to know someone is in pain and leave the person alone and I thought it is morally not right. She snapped back saying, "There are thousands of people who are in pain and need help in this world, you can't attend to all.". I slumped back onto my seat with the biggest pang of disappointment and disbelief.

Is this it? Is this what the world is becoming into? The breed of selfishness and self-centeredness?? It got to me so much because it came from a close friend, someone who I've came to respect and grew fond of. I raise this issue now not because I am angry just at that friend, but the society as a whole! Since when is being helpful and empathy silly?? What bothers me the most is the fact that she raised the issue about sufferings in the world and made it sound like nothing can be done. Of course nothing can be done, because the society believes that nothing can be done! Because the society chooses to ignore it!

What truely is a sin, to me, is the fact that if we know someone is suffering, someone is in pain and need help but we ignore and avoid to think about it, because we think that nothing could be done. Nothing could be done because there's just too many selfish individuals in this world. And to end sufferings is not a one man's job and because of this goddamn mentality, selfishness spreads at its fastest pace! Sometimes, though it is not a life and death matter, but what doesn't seem to be important to us, may not be the same to other individuals. The point is not the fact that we think it is not a big deal because it seems not to be a big deal, the whole point is that it is bothering partically individuals...and I believe that anyone in this world does not deserve the slightest pain. If we can help, we help, because with the pain one have already beared, I don't think s/he still deserve our ignorance.

Sufferings multiply daily throughout the entire world everyday is because of our selfishness. Don't make it sound like we have to be selfish because sufferings is multiplying and there's nothing we can do. We, in the first place, are the culprit to the world's endless sufferings. Of course as an individual, with no superhero power, we won't be able to save the world...but if we could just do the best we can, I am sure there'll be much less sufferings around.

addiction

In order to get rid of an addiction, is to get a new one.

Somehow, it works!

Nightfall

Almost every night before I sleep, I have the tendency of rewinding my whole day. Perhaps as you do, too. Picking up things and trying to make sense of actual moments, trying to figure out why certain things happened or why certain person behaved such way. Sometimes, I managed to find a reason before falling asleep; certain times, I cursed at myself for rewinding an unpleasant event that probably had no explaination to it whatsoever. I also have the tendency of backtracking for something pleasant or thinking of someone decent in order to find the comfort and calmness to be able to fall asleep peacefully.

Last night was weird. I rewinded my day to find it monotonous. I fast forward my vision trying to pinpoint something that I could look forward to, and found non either. Nothing comforting, nothing particularly pleasant. So my mind started to wonder...wonder back to the whole year.

Picking up things and trying to make sense of this whole year. To my surprise, I found comfort in it. Instead of feeling really upset with what I have gone through this year, I have finally found strength in it. The journey to where I am now wasn't exactly smooth riding, but I am proud of where I am today. I am, in a way, glad. Taking 5 units, overloading my semester, having 2 jobs, having to fight through a painful relationship and deal with heartbreaking family problems, yet be who I am and where I am standing today..I am proud, so proud of myself. I am proud that I did not allow my personal problems to interfere with my studies; that I bravely walked out on a hopeless relationship and gathered myself back by my own hands; that I pushed myself to strive for a job that I never thought I would be able to handle, dressing up professionally attending conferences and seminars; that I am still brave and strong today, facing the days as it comes.

I've been hurt but in return, I learnt a lot. I've lost some but in the process of dealing with loss, I have achieved more than ever. I've grown so much. Most importantly, I've found something that no one can take away from me..because this strength, bravery, independence and determination I found come from within me, myself.

...I finally fell asleep feeling good and confident about myself. I know I don't need to fear anymore because I know this strength I have in me will keep me going as I face my future, no matter what the future has in-store for me.