Just some thoughts.

It's been..3 months since I last played the music stored in my laptop. It's amazing how different songs pluck up different episode of memories. I was listening to Missy Higgins almost everyday during October-November last year, now those songs, they let me travel back in time and allow old memories and feelings suck up into my soul. Same thing goes to our smell, I was so close to grab hold of a guy who happened to wear my ex's favourite perfume. It was an automatic reaction, not until 2 seconds later then I realize that smell was how I define my ex..but oh, alright it is my ex who I had let go and shut off...alright, alright...by then, I realized I should probably come back to sense. It can be quite intense. Ahh...senses and perception, ain't they amazing? Sometimes, you wonder do they really do you good, especially on peaceful night like this.

Shrugs.

Oh, on the lighter note - I am a mother now, well...a mother to a dog who's named Bebe. I realized I'm not fit to be a good mother after having her around, I feel like a selfish individual who don't like my personal space to be invaded. Speaking of which, I'm just thinking - I'll probably be very prone to Post-natal depression next time when I have a baby. Haha. Ok fine, I am random tonight.

Someone

I don't know whether it is a good thing or not - to be missing many people. It's quite a bitter feeling to yearn for someone, but if you look at it from a different angle, it is a blessing in disguise when you have so many special people who you can think of, and miss. I count myself really lucky, to have known all those who I am missing now, because they have got to be wonderful friends who walked down my life with me once upon a time.

I miss you all, I do. Those in Malaysia, in UK, the States, Singapore, Indonesia, Italy - I truly am missing you all.

Perth - it is different, very different without you all. The walk down the foreshore, the trip to the cinema, the holiday down south, seemed incomplete without either of you.

...Tonight, my prayer is that hopefully somewhere down the future, our paths will cross once again. Until then, take care and goodnight. And remember, I am missing you from another side of this world :) ...

Tears

We cry because we are trying to cope when perhaps we fail, we cry because we're upset, our body is upset, we cry because things are moving through space so fast and so harsh that we can't really handle well. It's a normal fight or flight reaction.

That is why we cry, and there's nothing wrong with it, is there?

22 years later, on the day I was born.

I'm showered with a major dose of warm fuzzies from individuals around me today. I realize, getting closer to people isn't always a matter of choice; from time to time, you stumble upon a person whom you'd never have picked out of a crowd, but who enlightens your life and excites your imagination.

Birthdays, to different individuals may mean different things. It's funny how I feel differently about birthdays every year, some years I celebrate birthdays looking excitedly far down the track and trying to peek what's in store for me for the year, hoping that each day will get even better. Some years, I wished that time could stop and the world can just lay still. This year particularly, my priority is to celebrate my birthday rejoicing in everything I've already got, instead of wishing and hoping for more. I want to be grateful, be thankful of what I've already got because I know I'm brought into this world for a reason, so I will do my best.

It's one or another.

The night produce the kind of conducive environment for me to to think about things, reflect about my personal life and go through the day again in my head. Three months into 2007, almost 22 years into my life, I ended up with some loss and gain, depending how I look at it.

I had a very bad relationship the whole 2006, it ended with scratches and bruises not just on me but on each other, our body and souls trapped into such an unhealthy relationship that sparks of hatred fly between us. I ended 2006 and started 2007 vowing to myself that I will look beyond that, and throughoutly unhook myself from the ugly past, move on and find back my own self and I survived at least 5 months into it already with no single regrets, I stepped into a whole new world. That's a gain.

I am a very family-oriented person. Family is my world, my blood, my air and my life. It hasn't been very good for our family. I don't know where it's going, I felt that things aren't true, things aren't going exactly well. I can't find back the same security and comfort, I don't know where are we heading. Though we look OK outside, but behind closed door, it's yet another different story. So I tried my best to correct things and to mend back a possibly broken tie while my parents were here for visit. Admittedly, their one month stay here could be one of the most memorable moments in my life. Now with them back at home, I walked around the house now finding traces that they left behind. I wished I could turn back to a week ago and stopped the time because I don't even know if we'll ever have a chance like this again. To me, that's a loss.

After three years of hard work in degree, juggling my time between 2 jobs and 5 units on my last semester, I've finally finished my degree. I have not failed myself or anyone around me. I fought my way to completing this degree though I was doomed with personal life issues and struggled with financial issues. On graduation day, I don my regalia with a powder blue sash while I celebrated with my primary school friend who's in her dark blue sash. To graduate is to be able to celebrate the hard work we paid off, but to graduate with a childhood friend who I've known for about 12 years or so is just priceless. We deserve a toast, not only to our graduation but to our friendship. And to me, that's a double gain.

In order to pursue my invidividual dreams, I am forced to give up the life which I was just so used to. I travel across oceans for education, leaving the much familiar environment behind for close to 5 years now, leaving behind those who I hold so close to heart, leaving my much loved pet dogs behind, missing out on their daily life and growth, to me, is a loss.

However, having a chance to do further my studies in my master and see my future in job opportunity more laid out for me, to be able to pursue and achieve my dreams in terms of knowledge and then knowing that I can apply my knowledge to the society and individual out there who needs my attention, care and help, is indeed more and more rewarding. That is a gain.

For the rest of the year, I see myself working hard for my master course, be outstanding in my practical, learn as much as I possibly can and get the most out of it. I also need to spare some time for my part time job and earn some extra dollar, save up and step it up slowly. That means less shopping and over-the-board-self-pampering. That's a loss, I guess, haha.