Another irony of life..

It's weird how priorities in life shift as you grow. There are many things which I would not do that I see myself doing now, and things I minded so much actually mean so little to me now. It's so true time changes thing, time changes a person, and reality changes through time. Nothing in life, is still and stagnant, not even a promise or a lifetime vow. Life is so vulnerable that it doesn't take much to shake things up. I guess being a human, you're pretty much expected to constantly update yourself, to cope, to cope and to cope. And sometimes, one missing step can totally leave u off the hook, or at times, it can even be awfully fatal..

I'm just only human.

I'm having my Anatomy mid-semester exam on Tuesday and now I'm totally freaking out. It's going to be an exam in the wet lab where we are tested on the cadavers, plus a surface anatomy section where we'll have to perform a surface anatomy check and oral test on that damn lecturer of ours, one on one...God please just kill me now. I really don't know how Med students can handle it, they must be really smart and determined.

I've had such a crazy week with work, prac, and classes..and worst thing was when I got to Uni, my coursemates all look exhausted, stressed, grumpy and as freaked as me and after talking to couple of them, I just wanted to leave to the toilet and cry out loud because they're giving more stress and scaring me even more. Worse is I always feel I won't be as good as them because I'm the only one who work 20 hours a week plus a day of prac while non of them work as much as me. If they're stressed up and have not enough time..then what about me? I am aware that one that them kept whinging to me and everyone she sees, it's getting so annoying that I just feel like screaming at her to shut the hell up. I wake up 7am every morning, go to work or uni and comes home at 5 or 6 to cook and eat a brief dinner than have my affair with revision books or assignments. I have to run the damn errands, clean, wash, and work for my living and fees; while she has her mom to do all of that for her and the government to cover all those expenses for her, so what the fuck is she whinging about!

I think I'm going to have a stress attack soon, I'm edgy and physically and emotionally strained, I can't seemed to reason well or be patient. My body is so stressed up that I actually missed my whole menstrual period, I have break outs, my skin is rough and dry and my muscles tensed up now they hurt.

If there's anything I wish for now - is a plane that comes crashing straight into my apartment. I'm going insane.

A scene in class

This is one reason why I hate my Anatomy professor.

His Question:
Extremely powerful quadriceps contraction, as in jumping and absorbing shock on landing is considered by some people to be a potential of anterior cruciate ligaments (ACL) injury. Can you explain why?

He made us think for 10 minutes. We all looked at each other with a clearly blank face, freaking out. The minute he started explaining, we vigorously jotted down.

His Answer:
The quads violently pull their insertion forwards as well as upwards and shunt the tibia forwards so strongly that the ACL is stretched and may rupture. MY problem with this theory is that gravitational forces would probably simultaneously be violently shoving the femur forwards. SO it's hard to give this idea any credibility.

-.-" *All dropped our pens onto our tables*..

My respond:
Seriously? It's like he starts telling you a story in a foreign language and then in the end, after all you effort to sprain your brain to make sense what he's going on about, he tells you that he's not even speaking in any existing human language and then stops there without any further explanation.

He sounds like he's always bragging about his extensive knowledge in front of us and his every answer or comments just sound like he's laughing at us - "you bunch of dumb idiots, mwahahahaha bet you guys don't know what I'm talking about, I just want to shove it up your nose, may you pee in your pants hahahaha.".

Sigh. I can only say that I hope he gets to burn in hell for shoving cadavers around everyday. I must be really stressed up now, I don't think I'm making sense anymore.

Some friends...

The people we meet, shape us, and define our lives. Friends I have, they teach me lessons, big or small. Some lessons are so easily absorbed, some totally forced you out of your comfort zone. You can tell who's your true friend when you live by yourself away from your family. Those friends who treat you like your family members - never neglect you, never leave you out, always there for your, never judge you, those are your true friends.

I have met such friends before, and so even until now when they're no longer here with me, they're locked into a special room of my heart, the door says "Ultimately special individual" who continues to live with me although they're really far away.

But, I also have those friends, who I've tried to approach and given time to prove myself wrong sometimes that they're lousy, who I now have totally rejected out from my circle of friend. They're enlisted in the "Unworthy and lousy friend" list who I don't care if we're to lose each other's contact because I'm done with trying with them, they're better off out of my life.

And then I've another small group of friends who're in my "Endangered" list. These two persons are the ones who're at the edge of falling into the "Unworthy and lousy friend" who I'm still trying to revive by trying so hard to convince myself to believe that they're really not so lousy. I realize I often go through a stage like this with friends, I'm in denial that those friends are unworthy, because I don't want them to be unworthy and once I've finalized that they're unworthy, it does not take me any pain to shut them off totally. They're not someone whom I've known for short period of time, so I use this as another excuse to convince myself not to give up...more like, for old time's sake. But, they constantly make me feel unappreciated, and unwanted. Sometimes, it gets awfully tiring that I always have to be the one who's trying, I'm always the one who's asking them out, I'm always the one taking the initiative and making and effort to try to keep in touch in order to make things work! And even after my initiation, they show less excitement and enthusiasm in meeting up. This moment right now, I think I've had enough because if I've counted the years and days we have known each other and divide it by the time they've asked me out or include me in their life, it's probably close to nil. Divide the number of times I've asked them out to the number of times they've asked me out, it's another nil. I wonder if they've realized, or they purposely avoided it. Either way, it's not my problem, it's just that they are really lousy friends.

Bebe

It's been almost a month since I adopted Bebe, a female Maltese cross toy Poodle who was 14 months old the time I adopted her. Borned on 20th of January 2006, and was almost 2 months old the time she was bought at 695 Australian Dollars. She was vaccinated and was also micro-chipped. She then attended Puppy Pre-School with her previous owner together with the owner's friend and a puppy Golden Retriever.

The first time I met Bebe was the day I decided to take her home with her. She was in her bright yellow Beckham dog jersey that her previous owner bought her. I decided to leave her name as it is to avoid confusion for her. Since then, I've purchased her several new clothes - one grey T-shirt, one blue and grey hoodie, one knitted top and another purple winter top. I've added two toys for her to kill some time too, especially when I'm not home. A week after I got her, I got her a kennel which she absolutely adores. She had been sleeping on the balcony, in her cosy little kennel which I filled with fleece blanket and towels to keep her warm for almost 2 weeks until I decided that it is time to put her indoor at night since she has been behaving really well and had seemed to settled down. So nowadays, Bebe sleeps in my room beside my bed every night, all wrapped up in her fleece blanket to keep her warm.

She is the most hyperactive dog I've ever had or seen in my entire life. Absolutely adores going for a walk (actually a run) in the park. I think sometimes, she's so hyperactive that she actually scares other bigger dogs, like my colleagues Golden Retriever (DaoDao) who we were worried would attack Bebe initially. Believe me, it ended up with Bebe bullying DaoDao by climbing over DaoDao's head and catching her tails. She's also extremely smart who learns to understand my language and rules fairly quickly. She listens to my voice control and look at my body language to know if I am playing with her or scolding her. She has even learnt to associate my car alarm with my home-coming and yells on 4th floor balcony every time I put on my car alarm, I've overcome it by muting the beep.

Thankfully, she does not have much bad habits. The only thing that she has destroyed since the first day was my pair of balcony thongs which are in a very unrecognizable and unwearable state now. She gets some whack from them too whenever I catch her destroying them. I am very strict with her toilet training now and go absolutely haywire when I step on a puddle of pee in the house, which only happen once in the recent two weeks. As a result, she received a few hard smack on her bum and was locked out for the morning. She must have learnt it the hard way, haha. While that habit is nearly out of the way, she's developed new fetish now - tearing/biting her own cloths that she's wearing! That is just SO not acceptable, it's just like my own child tearing his own clothes out of boredom, I am still working a way to eliminate that habit by punishing her, hoping that she's smart enough to know what she's being punished on.

I must say in terms of material, she is one of my most pampered dog. Like what my colleagues said, more pampered than human beings the fact that she has a microchip in her so if she's lost or stolen, we would be able to track her down anywhere in the whole of Australia. I was just thinking, if human got kidnapped, we won't even have such facilities to track the person down! Oh, dogs!

And oh have I mentioned because of Bebe, I have to clean my house at least every week and by cleaning, I mean thorough vacuuming, moping, wiping, spraying and scrubbing. And I scrub the stinking and dirty patio whenever it rains, even if it's a little drizzle, and oh believe me - I pray for it to rain. My place is cleaner and tidier than before I had Bebe..alright, screw the patio - that doesn't count, lol.

This Easter - from pubcrawl to dog party!

Thank God for this Easter, I've finally got a chance to recharge my nearly drained body. My master course is really draining and scary, I've actually came home once soaking myself in bed of tears because of the stress. Last week I found out I wasn't the only one from my course who's done that. Problem with master course is the lecturers, their knowledge is extensive and they expect us to be just as smart, atmosphere of classes feel like pressure cookers. On top of that, I work about 20 hours a week plus my OT practical fieldwork which makes it 29 hours or so. I have to make time for uni, for work, for running errands, for cleaning, for friends, for my dog Bebe..all but myself. It's no wonder I end up cranky and edgy most of the time, especially with unnecessary individuals and things.

Hence I made myself a point on this one week break, at least 2 days in bed, screw all the exams and assignments right after the break. Set my phone to total silence, unplug my housephone and stayed in bed until 4pm in the evenings. I love being non-existence, well, at least for a while.

On Easter eve, I dragged my colleagues out for a night fun. Cross out the clubs, we headed out for our little pub crawl. Chilled with the live bands, sip some liquor and beer and I ended moving my body slightly, talking to random strangers, joking with colleagues, laughing my heart out and ended the night at 4am after a bowl of hot chips with chicken salt.

On Easter night itself, we had a little bbq get together with more colleagues, I brought Bebe along so she gets to socialize with my colleagues' dogs too. We entertained ourselves with drinking games after food, circling the bbq pit to keep our bodies warm; while the dogs, they entertained themselves with a couple of tennis balls, a big backyard and a swimming pool. My girl Bebe, she definitely knows how to make a scene and make herself the center of attention. At some point, it feels like a doggie party - dogs at all types and sizes from German Sheppard to Golden Retriever to Poodle to Maltese, chasing around the backyard, we even had a 1 month old baby puppy named Louie. Or if you like, it's like a family-friends gathering, the dogs - they're like our children. It's a really cute get together. Haha.

It's good that everyone enjoyed themselves.

April 6 = May 13 for me.

Today isn't any ordinary day.
It's Good Friday.
It's my ex-bf's birthday.
And I woke up to my dog's shit on the doorstep.

So I guess apart from it being Good Friday and a public holiday being a good day that allows me to sleep in for I've been really flat out recently, it's really not a very good day.

I curse at myself for being able to remember that it's his birthday. A mark to the calendar that it's was a year a ago on today that our relationship started to hit down fall, he started abusing me at his birthday bash thanks to the excessive alcohol consumed. A mark to the calendar that it was on this day, a year ago, that my life was turned around and the effect is carried over until today. A day to remember why I hate and despise this man.

April 6 = May 13 for me, not in a literal sense this year the fact that it happen to also be Good Friday. Perhaps I remember this date not as his birthday but as the day my life got spun around. It's also been 6 months since we last talked and I do not intent to have another chance to wish him happy birthday since the last time last year.

It's funny how sometimes you just can't find the fine line between love and hate..or at least, I haven't.

What's not for me

Two things I found out by end of last week.



i) This...

..ain't my type of game anymore. Guess I've been there and done enough of that. I was dragged to the club by some colleagues. Paid 15 bucks to sit there and watch the crowd. Music was good actually, I did try to enjoy myself but golly..surrounding me, are 18-19 years old BOYS, well they're..cute but I need HOT and mature men. I can't feel sexy with young boys and I feel wrong to be sexy or flirt around them.


ii) I am not cut out for being an occupational therapist. I am born to be a psychologist, I know it. I sat through class on Friday having a yearning need to scream. I do OT not because I have great passion for it, it's because I need to, it'll give me a bright future. Practical or not practical, there's a fine line. I walked out of class, having second thoughts about the course but managed to calm myself down. If I have a chance in the future, I'll go back to Psychology and pursue it. Letting go Psychology made me realize that it is my dream, my passion.