The after-exam recovery

Well, the good news is it's finally over; the bad news is I might have to redo the unit. I know I did bad for anatomy in final paper, but I've done my best with the time I had. I never failed a unit so I didn't know how horrible is the feeling having to think you have disappointed yourself and also most significantly, your family. When I talked to my mom over the phone about it, there was a brief silence, perhaps disappointment..I immediately felt so guilty that I bawled my eyeballs out after hanging up with her. I never really disappointed my parents, I avoid doing so and if I do fail this time (unless miracle happens), it'll be one of the big ones.

I've been working a lot after exams, I don't think I can survive without having anything to do really, so in a way it's good. But, I'm actually quite burnt out, I'm thinking of taking a week off from work soon and just chill and go wild that week. We'll see.

Apart from that, I've also been looking out for some different things to do. Remember that old saying that says live life to fullest, I haven't really done that yet but that's my delayed-2007-new-year-resolution. I've always appreciated arts and music but never really did something about it so I'm thinking of looking out for some play/musical/orchestra of some sort whereas for outdoor activity, I've always wanted to learn kayaking, keeping an eye for that too. It's funny how I never liked changed but now all of a sudden I want a change.

Stepping out of my comfort zone has never been easier and I have a good feeling about it. I've finally realized life's too short to put things off, you don't know what happens next so whilst you are still around, pursue it rather than wasting your time with unproductive or un-meaningful things. Life's got so much to offer.

The verdict

4:34am, Thursday the 21st of June.

I have approximately 4 and a half hour until my final Anatomy exam which I have to go really well to be able to pass my whole unit. I've never felt as scared and insecured about an exam before. All of a sudden, the guilt, the fear, the anger and disappointment in myself surfaced. I am too scared and too worried to fall asleep and whenever I tried to sleep I have sudden gush of Anatomy questions probing into my head - what's the nerve and root supply for this muscle, that muscle, how does the muscle look like, where it originates and where it ends; what happens when this bone is fractured and how to fix - as a result, I jumped off the bed and opened my books again.

I managed to catch a 2 hours sleep, after taking a sleeping pill as tranquilizer, a panadol for my pounding headache - and still with the pills I couldn't really sleep, my heart was beating so fast that I felt so sick and felt like throwing up. I peeped onto the floor and Bebe was snoozing soundly, I dragged her up my bed and cuddled her, and I think it's her presence that gave me a little comfort and allowed me to have a quick nap for 2 hours before waking up with fear again. Well, 2 hours is better than nothing I suppose.

My last read through now.
God bless me.

Let's talk about dawg!

I've been shopping for Bebe lately, despite her super rebellious attitude just to drive me so mad that I want to smack the taste out of her. Trust me, it isn't nice to come home from your not-so-great exam to find her playing with her own shit - I could feel my blood pressure spiking, and fumes coming out from my nostrils..and with red bull running in your's truly's blood stream then isn't a really great idea too. I could instantly turn into a monster.

Haha. Negative things aside, I've got these two pieces for her:

Cute huh? Hehehe, I've been spending so much on her clothing. If only she can stop destroying and planting big holes into them! Oh, you tell me how to teach her! I've done almost everything I can think of, it seems to slip out of her mind 2 minutes after I punish her every time. And for God's sake, they are not cheap ok. One of her clothes is more expensive than my own sometimes, believe it! You'll be amazed when you really shop for a dog, you can get their pyjamas, socks, hat, sunnies, bathrobe, bathers, dress, poncho, wool jacket, jumper, jersey..you name it, they have it!


I should start thinking about a birthday party for Bebe..and hopefully she can receive some cute gifts, lol. Dogs nowadays are like kids. If you're invited to Bebe's party next time, please be reminded to bring some nice gifts ok, there are a lot available out there :) Joking!

So much for technology

I was fumbling with my computer just now and with less than 5 clicks I totally messed up my wireless internet settings on my computer. For a while it refused to connect to my router although it recognized it's status and started picking up other wireless networks around me and it seems ok connecting to my own LAN. Ugh, caused me some panic attack and chaos because I need my internet to access all my study materials for my exams and I honestly hate cables so I just refused to stick to LAN - started clicking blindly and reading router instructions and what not, wasted at least 30 minutes on it and all it took is one simple click to turn off one of my computer's management to get me back onto wireless again which I may have accidentally turned on when I was carelessly fumbling with it earlier on. Bet I'm not making sense now, that's cause I still couldn't figure out what went wrong and how it came back or why it worked that way, lol. I shall stay put from now on.

Phew.. Technology is not that great afterall.

Forgotten

I sat outside my balcony for a 10 minutes break from the readings and unintentionally looked up, I was almost surprised by what I saw. It's the same blue sky which have been over me since the day I was born, yet it seem almost refreshing and breathe taking. Nature has never failed to creep up and surprise me in its own little way every time. Happy Sunday!

Poochie

Oh! You know who Bebe reminds me of? --- Speedy Gonzales!
...I probably can take over Sylvester cat.

I think you all should know why by now.

Exam mode

My intense exam preparation is causing me:

Backache
Neckache
Shoulder ache
Headache
Pukey-feeling

Redbull for studying is good, but redbull for the actual exam has just caused me some accerelation in thought, verbal diarrhea and some extensive bullcrapping in my essays - 3 pages packed tightly with words for each essay question, I've written a grand total of 10 pages bullshit for 3 questions in 2 hours. I've never gone more than 1.5 pages for 1 question before when I was in Psyc. Look what master degree has done to me! Now I even have interphalangeal joint ache. Interphalangeal joint = finger joint expressed in an Anatomy term. Fuck, I literally breathe on anatomy now and so I better damn well pass that freaking unit.

Omg, what a totally disgusting feeling.

A mundane Saturday

Today is one of those days which reminds me a lot of home and the feeling of being home. Maybe it's cos it's the first Saturday this whole semester that I am actually sitting at home, not working, and just taking my time doing activities that people do on a Saturday. It's bright and sunny, very peaceful and quiet outside. Occasionally I can hear vacuums going off, doors closing and tap water running from surrounding neighbor; not forgetting Bebe's occasional scratch and low growl outside my door with her squeaky toy - those are the sounds at home in Malaysia on a lazy Saturday afternoon, too - Mum's vacuum and shuffling in the kitchen; dad's car cleaning and gardening; Snoopy, Hersley and Ellie's naughty wrestling and barking tournament in the backyard. Heh..if you're interested in knowing, Hersley is always the champion - she's a dog on redbull 24/7, if you get what I mean.

I had a horrible insomnia last night, as a result of not being able to figure out an anatomy lab question though I've sat down the whole night for it. Agitated and not pleased, I ended up sleeping at 4am for 5 hours. I called in at work today for a day off at 9am, I figured I really need a break so I did. Instead of going back to sleep, I jumped out of bed and dragged Bebe out of the house, we drove to the nearby riverbank for a morning jog. After that, I came back, chuck my laundry in the wash and head off for errands and some groceries shopping in my tracksuits. After shower, I decided today shall be a day off from anatomy too since I've been stuck on the couch everyday this week revising anatomy - I really want to pass. Anyways, I turned to more psych/societal unit instead - a unit that focuses on environment/societal/government/politic factors that can impact on a person's well-being. This lecture gave us 21 prep questions which only 3 similar ones will come out in the exams, crazy! But then again, I can't complain, it's still far better than anatomy. I feel so secured and comfortable as I read through, no dramas.

Mmm...I just need a short siesta, a mug of hot chocolate and some light music to top it off.

My learnt lessons to share..

Decided to take out the last entry, too much useless ramblings that get me no way.

Recently I have friends who told me that I'm a much happier girl. I do realize a massive change in myself within the past 6 months too, all for the better. I've walked away with more wisdom and a better self. My previous experience, though rough and unhealthy had taught me one of the biggest lessons in life. I guess I made a mistake of losing sense of self just because I was in a relationship. Lesson is when you're in a relationship, you are an individual yourself with your own sets of thought, passion and beliefs and you should always have that because if you lose it and become reliant to your partner for happiness and decisions, it'll be disastrous when things turn ugly. You end up to be a ship sailing endlessly in the ocean with no direction. Completely lost.

Lesson 1. Sense of self is the most precious thing we can own; you'll be surprise how easy it can slip away from you without you even noticing it. Once you get hold of it, you're halfway to happiness and success. Never ever let anyone take that away from you. Never let anyone get in the way of defining you; you define and decide who you are and who you want to be. You are the only person who can have access to your sense of self and you are the only one who can make the best out of yourself.

Lesson 2. Never let your past be an obstacle to your present and future but let it be a lesson that brings out the strongest and best of you.

Lesson 3. Don't ever be afraid of letting go even if it may seem like the harshest thing you can do to the situation or to another person. Burn away the photos, throw the gifts into the dumpster, delete the numbers if you wish - totally flush it out of your system. Even if it means having to lose a friend, sometimes it's worth it. Give yourself a chance to start fresh again and slowly work your way up on your own.

Lesson 4. Put yourself before anyone else. Love yourself more than anyone else. The most precious love is the love you have for yourself, not another person to you neither you to another being. Love yourself, prioritize yourself, listen to yourself and follow what your feelings tell you - you won't go wrong.