It's one of those days.

I am in a pissy mode now.

I sat in front of the computer whole day studying non stop and still didn't know all.
I have a test tomorrow which is worth 25%.
I still have to work tomorrow after test.
I just realized I have to renew my passport otherwise I won't be able to fly.
I have 3 major assignments undone and due soon.
I have a camp which I am NOT looking forward too and have yet to followed up.
I checked my bank account and realized I am broke.
I still haven't paid rent.
I talked to mom and had to deal with the fact that she didn't sound happy and my family is in a crisis.


And so, I am afraid to look forward to my future.
I have so much to do, so little time, so unmotivated and so troubled to face the world.
I have too much on my plate now.

So there.
I've got money problem, family problem, stacks of responsibilities on shoulder, lack of support and uni stress. Just exactly what crisis am I in? I can't even word them anymore.
I am feeling blue, edgy, helpless, and angry at everything.

Bad stuffs aside...

Tonight I am going to see Alice wonderland ballet. I've always loved those 80's watercolour cartoons like Dalmation, Sleeping Beauty and Alice Wonderland. There is just a twist of simplicity in those cartoons that I simply adore and there's nothing more magical than reliving my childhood.

Tomorrow night I am going for an expensive birthday dinner at the Casino resort. It's been a while since I gather in a group with my ex/colleagues. Though I am dreading some bound-to-happen dramas, I am going with an open mind and good look to boost my group confidence. My plan is to wear a plunging neckline top with short, fishnet stockings and boots.

And Saturday night is my weekly date. I never know what to expect and each time there's new surprises. Many has asked if this is official, no it is not. We are still very casual but we do enjoy each other's company. I want to take things slow and not rush into things just to realize it is a mistake. And not until recently I started dating, I realize I am still recovering from the shock from my past relationship, my vision is blurred by my ex and it takes time to realize what I was accused for wasn't necessary wrong..in another words, a new insight to myself, and relationship is what I am learning now from my date. This guy doesn't come close to my dream guy, but I am very thankful that at least he respects me and I am heard much more than when I was with my ex, and no one knows how much this means to me. As what he said to me recently, it is not the results/outcome that is important, it is the process - that we're learning from each other and we're having fun. Well, I say we shall see where the wind brings us. :)

Have a good weekend!

Whirlwind

For some reason I dread Sundays more than Mondays now, probably I know Sundays lead to Mondays in no time. Saturday nights are my happiest moment in the week, either I stay home retreating or I am out for a blast.

This whole week has been a whirlwind of emotions for me. I've cried, laughed, mourned, felt betrayed, felt disappointed, been touched by some souls, felt inspired, felt rush of adrenaline, drank and spewed. I came from very low to very high, plonked back to rock bottom and climbed up to cloud 9 in no time.

I reached out, a lot. I talked to my colleagues and ex-colleagues, I talked to my coursemates, I talked to my close friends and I was surprised by how much support I got in return. I let loose, I cried a bucket on phone with one and a bucket with another and came to realize how much some friends are behind my back. I also allocated a time to just go out, not talk or think about anything negative but bringing on the fun, be carefree, silly and mischievous.

Oh, this certainly includes going out for my weekly date. What separated us during dinner time is just a table in between with a lot of crossover flirty and cheeky conversations and loads of good food..and...well, some occasional bear hugs and naughty teases.

band aid

"Sometimes reality has a way of sneaking up and biting us in the ass. And when the dam bursts, all you can do is swim. The world of pretend is a cage, not a cocoon. We can only lie to ourselves for so long. We are tired, we are scared, denying it doesn't change the truth. Sooner or later we have to put aside our denial and face the world.

Pain, you just have to ride it out, hope it goes away on its own, hope the wound that caused it heals. There are no solutions, no easy answers, you just breath deep and wait for it to subside. Most of the time pain can be managed but sometimes the pain gets you where you least expect it. Hits way below the belt and doesn't let up. Pain, you just have to fight through, because the truth is you can't outrun it and life always makes more."

I am crushed.

I woke up at 2am last night, and could not fall back to sleep. My head was pounding, heart was racing, muscles aching. I replayed events from the day and decided I needed to cry, but no tears came out..starred at the ceiling until 7am in the morning and decided I could not make it to classes. If no one can cut me some slack, at least I can cut myself some slack.

This is what happened in the day..

I got a phone call from mom at work, sobbing profusely as if she's lost her track, confirming me about my dad's secret affair. Yea, not another one. I felt disappointed, yet I knew this is bound to happen again, one day. I told myself to be strong and gave mom some pieces of advice but I realized I was going to break down. All of a sudden, the small problems that have been bothering me crept up to me - financial, studies, work, family...my thoughts dart around those problems, they seemed to be magnified.

After work I dragged myself to gym, have a full 1 hour pump and loosen my mind. But, my Saturday night date came to see me there just to inform me how unhappy some of our friends are about the whole thing. One of them, who apparently have been having feelings for him, called him out for a drink the next day to talk about it. Though I looked ok when he told me that but I actually felt crushed that moment. Not because I feel so strongly about him that I should be feeling this bad right now...but I do not understand why nothing in my life that I hope to turn out good, at least for once, never do. Or what's supposed to be something fun, someone who I can just go out without having to think of any trouble in my life has became a part of the trouble now? Although he asked me out again this weekend, I've wilted away and don't feel 100% with this idea anymore.

I went home, stood under the hot shower for 30 minutes. I was tired and so sick of my life that I threw up for no reason. I was angry with those sluts out there who budged into people's marriage; and I was also so angry at that friend who made such a big deal of my date. I thought, if they're decent enough people and friend, they would not have destroy a family, she would be happy for our date and leave me alone.

Every year..there's bound to be some major drama in my life that sucked my life out of me. I actually have a feeling that I am dying inside, slowly. My emotional and mental resistance on problems in life and my motivation in general is degenerating. Though I am physically present but some times I honestly cannot find my inner self and peace anymore....

Hey God, hey people..you know what, I am just only human.

Surprise! Surprise!

I often get swept away by how some things turn out, especially when the date which I never thought would work out so smoothly turned out to be a perfect night that sent butterflies fluttering in my tummy and when the one which I thought would work out ended up being canceled, by me, simply because I ended up feeling really fed up with that guy for a really solid reason - though he was my type, but he has no balls, hence there's no point.

On the lighter note, at least the one that I didn't expect to turn out good made my day. I used to think he wasn't my type, but now I think I could have been more open-minded. We experienced some adrenaline rush when we were caught in the spot by people who we planned to hide this date from. So, we ended up confessing to the whole group, a few were dumbfounded, a few were more excited about it than me and him though we made a point that it was just a casual date, nothing particularly special.

Main point is, he said he had a great night too and said to do another one soon.
We shall see =).

The art of dating

This weekend is going to be slightly more different than the usual sleep-ins or coffee chill outs or group dinners. I've been asked out for a date and ask another out for a date on each of the days. With two very delicious guys. Two very different dates in terms of atmosphere and venue, two completely different guys in terms of personalities.

I hope at least one will turn out good though it does not necessary have to be something promising.

Ah, I am beginning to experience the joy of being single. I feel lucky, well, not the kind of luck or happiness when one is deeply and madly in love; but the kind of excitement when one gets the attention of two cute guys.

cheaters

Once a cheater, always a cheater.

I live by this rule based on my personal experience and my own opinion. Most of the times we hang around in a wilting relationship purely because we hope things will be better tomorrow; or our partner who is not behaving like how we wish they will, will change eventually. But when I really sit back and think about it, it does not make it to try to change a grown man. What and who the person present to me is the baseline of his/her personality and it is not going to shift significantly.

I can understand how, most of the times we give a second chance to our partner who cheat, because we hope that one day they will change. But in reality, we missed out the very painful fact that if, at this stage of a relationship things do not work now and one cheats, what makes you think that s/he will love you more after 10 years into the relationship or things will pick up to form a fairy tale ending that lasts the rest of your life?

Truth is, my friend, this is very unlikely. Walk away, move on. Because the scary part of giving another chance to a man who breaks your heart so badly, is that he will once again disappoint you..and by then even if you realize it, it may be too hard to walk out. You will just end up torn and tattered.