Wrapping up for yet another year

33 days to 2008, it's the time of the year to wrap up 2007 and welcome a brand new year. I remember last year this time, I was going through reconciliation, picking things up from life. I read back my previous entries, picked up some significant lines and pasted below.

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Nov 10, 2006
Saying goodbye isn’t necessary a bad thing. You never know the next person entering your life, may be your lucky star.

Nov 28, 2007
I felt warm and fuzzy just then when I read back that post. I was indeed right, who would have thought that next person who entered my life is my colleague, someone I would not have gotten to know if I were not going through a bad breakup with my ex, and most importantly..this one, is my lucky star! He may not be the most romantic partner or may not be one of those guys who shower the girl with tons of attention and love, but he is one guy who has much respect for me. He makes me feel like a real lady, he accepts me for who I am, he compromises, he shares, he cares, he listens to my insecurities and tells me it is ok, he laughs at my silliness, I am truly thankful for him. I don't need flowers or chocolates, I want to be contented with this man. And most importantly I want to make it work, I want to love him.
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Dec 13, 2006
I've survived a dark past, ran away from it and start a brand-new me with a blank canvas to work on.

Nov 28, 2007
And I want the whole world to know now that that brand-new canvas is painted with the most vibrant colours. I have learnt and achieved a lot this year, I form new friendships, I adopt a dog, I explore my interests, I do meaningful things. No doubt, there were still some bumpy patches along the way with my family issue, but I would like to believe that it has happened for a reason too. If there's anything I would like to change about 2006, it would be nothing. Because, if it's not for the bad things that happened in 2006, I wouldn't have picked up what I did this year. I am still not talking to my ex, not because I hate him, it's just I've filtered him out completely and I do not think there's any point turning back as I've chosen to drop the past, and weed the insignificant out. I have no regrets for how I managed my past, and I will never have. Today, I stand strong who I am, and stand proud for what I have achieved for the past 22 years of my life.

2007 is ending with a bang!

Woooo

This is my first post-exam weekend and I am having a blast!

Friday night it was my first time smashed completely by alcohol, at least 8 shots of God-knows-what-drink I was as red as lobster, and spewed my guts out. It was also my first time drink driving, and I am not proud of it.

Saturday night it was my first time whipping up a dinner for my partner - Fettucine carbonara and spinach pine nut salad - turned out, he absolutely loved it! We then hit two clubs, one for my friend's birthday and then we moved on dancing until my legs gave way in Metro's - the biggest club in southern atmosphere! I couldn't escape alcohol again, but it wasn't much this time.

Sunday night, tonight - another colleague's birthday. Thankfully, it will just be a decent dinner with no alcohol.

Whatever happens to my ideal holiday of nothingness with truckloads of sleep? Yawns, I think I am getting less sleep than exam period.

Let's talk about boys - part I

My previous boyfriend is fickle-minded and ignorant, my current one is amnesic and demented!

The after-exam-stress

It's funny how much I anticipated exams to be over yet when the time comes, I don't feel that great after all. My ideal after-exam days is to be able to sleep in and just enjoy the...nothingness, don't have to rush, cook some good food, rent some good movie and sit home to watch.

But no, that's now down the drain.

I am actually stressed up with the upcoming events this whole week, my entire week is jam packed! I was not only just called in to work, I have a company road show to go to, I have appointments, I have training, and I have at least two events to go to each day starting from Friday night onwards. And Sunday, I have three. It's all about rush, rush and rush. So, I am sitting down trying to juggle stuffs around my time..still I cannot fit everything in. And what's worse, I don't even have time to shop for nice dresses. 6 events on the weekends which all require nice clothes, I have 1 dress in mind..

Ah..I hope next week can be more relaxing. I need my "me" time.

The joy of giving

The joy of giving was what I used to experience very often during teenage years. People say, you get more and more bitter as you experienced life, which is true. I had completely forgotten about the joy of giving, and helping which I experienced a lot earlier on in life..I guess, I have gotten bitter in a sense..and I started to stop giving because sometimes, I just do not see why I should help anymore. Yes, I am not denying it, I have became more and more self-centered.

Earlier on during the week, I received a call for help. In that split second, I agreed to help. But, as I was walking to my car, I actually felt a pang of regret. I started to give myself reasons why I should not have agreed but decided to go on with it anyway. And, I was glad I did. Because after the good deed, I remembered the type of joy I received when I used to give out so much more. Really, it is not what you would get in return that really matters..because it is just a completely separate matter - what you receive in return (good or bad), and what you give out. Because, when I gave out, the joy that I experienced is beyond words. I felt happiness, kindness, and peace within myself because I know irregardless of what I will get in return from the person, I have already been rewarded with this magical feeling.

It feels good to know that you have made someone else's life/day better. It really does.

Outrageous!

I am in a bitchy mode now. Seriously, some individual..and I am talking about above average individuals in terms of cognition..can be so oblivious. Postgraduate Study Room is obviously a room for postgrads students who are 100x more stressed out to study in but for some reason those inconsiderate undergrads kiddies will walk into the room as if they're supposed to be in here. Problem lies on the fact that they're not here to shut up and study, they walk in with big Gucci bags and fancy outfits, sit down and talk like they're the only ones in the room...totally ignoring the fact that the stressed up haggard postgrads students, dressed in tracksuit and glasses, are all close to pulling their hair out..need a bit of silence to be able to fucking concentrate.

And oblivious drivers who totally ignore the disabled parking sign. Irregardless what time it is in the day, a disabled parking space is for disabled people with ACROD parking cards only. They are there for a reason, for God's sake! Be more sensitive people!

And- double lines are there for a reason too - it clearly means you cannot turn there due to the flow of the traffic on that road but some fucking ignorant drivers will indicate their signals and attempt to turn into a junction across that road, hence resulting a traffic chaos behind! If you're in Perth, try driving on the fast last on Scarborough Beach road, Albany Highway and Canning Highway..you'll find yourselves changing line every 5 minutes because of those idiots who attempt a turn on double line! And the ironic thing when you strike a quick look at the drivers, half of them are men in business suit!

Argh. It's the exam stress getting to me, and the 40 degree weather certainly does not help.

How much doubt is normal?

One reason why I think I am not ready yet for a relationship is due to my level of doubt in a person. Honestly, I do not trust easily. I am a very insecure person. I doubt a person if he's too sweet and sincere, I also doubt a person when he's too cold and distant. Recent years, I think this problem has gotten way worse due to the incident with my father, and my ex. My father cheats on my mother, and me - twice; my ex did not in that sense, but his personality is very questionable. So, not only I do not trust a guy in a sense that he will not cheat, I do not believe that they will love the same person long enough, that divorce is bound to take place..so I do not believe that eternal love exist. I live in a world where nothing is permanent, which may be true in a sense, but...not when I constantly think very close in the future, I am bound to lose what I gain. I doubt this entire mankind, I doubt the existence of mankind, I doubt this world, I doubt the existence of perfection because say even if eternal and true love exists, something else will for sure kick in - death, disabilities, sickness. And I don't see how this is not affecting my outlook on life.

A year of breather without a partner, I gained my sense of self back..I do not have a chance to doubt until I start dating. I want to believe that it is my problem, and I have to find a way to work it out. However, sometimes I thought, am I not ready for a relationship because I have issues to work out myself, or trust...is just something that both person in a relationship should contribute to..a reciprocal process? Having said that, I still think I have got issues to work on - Just exactly how much doubt..is normal? I need to see a counsellor.

The verdict

Talk about patience, I think I have the least. I couldn't even sit still and think straight the whole day. I was obsessed with going through it in my mind, and I thought there's no way I'll be able to concentrate on my studies with all the thoughts of him darting through my mind. Talked to a few friends and came up with a decision that, I am taking a dive, a leap of faith..tonight. So, I called him out for coffee at 8.30pm, but after some thoughts, I hopped into his car and said let's take away drinks and go to our usual dating park. The wait for 8.30pm to come was agonizing, I was prancing around the house restlessly. I was jittery, anxious and nervous.

Turned out, it wasn't as scary as I thought it would turn out to be because I managed to pop the question in a rather casual way when he was holding me in his arm.

Me:
Hey, what if I've fallen for you?
Him:
I'd say that's good, I'm happy to know that..
Me:
Seriously???
Him:
Yeah.
Me:
Where are we going with this?
Him:
Well..I have fallen for you too. Where do you want it to go?
Me:
As long as we're working towards something..I mean, I don't think both of us are ready for a relationship now..
Him:
I am ready for a relationship. And we are working towards something.
Me:
0.O But, you said you were not last time!
Him:
Did I say that? When? Well, we'll just go where fate takes us to.
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So there, you have your verdict within a day, haha! Now at least I know, there's a chance that we'll be taking this further ahead. Reason why I did not want to jump into wanting a relationship when he said he was ready was because, I need to suss out if I am really ready for one, and I want to make sure that this one that I am in, is a serious one that lasts because I like him so much that I want to make sure that it works.

Verdict soon!

Me:
Hey..I'm gonna say something that might scare you away ok?
Him:
What's that?
Me:
If you continue to be this nice to me..I'm afraid I won't be able resist you anymore.
Him:
Owh, that's nice to know.
Me:
So have I scared you away yet?
Him:
No cos I already can't resist you.
Me:
0.O
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I'm not staying sane any longer. Because this fella is constantly sending a mix signal. By the conversation above, you would think it would have taken us to the next level but it did not because just moments before that he said he cares for me as a friend (?!???!).

As much as I am enjoying the dates, liking the attention, I know this uncertainty has to end soon. Truth is, I have fallen for this man. And I will continue to fall deeper and deeper and get myself hurt if/when I find out in the future that he does not feel the same way. I have to find out soon, because at least if it's to end now..I don't feel absolutely lost, though I know I will probably feel depressed for a few days. I woke up this morning with a plan, I am gonna have to sort this out with him latest when my exams finish but now I am not even sure if I can wait until then. I mean, I don't think I am rushing into things now, am I? - After 2 months of casual dating?

So, the verdict? I'll update you either on the next few days (if I run out of patience) or in 2 week's time. So, stay tuned!

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Goddamn, this is like a reality dating show!...

Muay Thai Kickboxing

2.47am. I just got home from my kickboxing date, and absolutely pooped but I insist to pen down everything before I start missing out pieces of details.

The boxing bit was very interesting. It was quite entertaining to see guys fight, and girls fight. It's just that the girls boxing were like lesbians wrestling in mud, if you get what I mean. Some of the male boxers portrayed a very psychotic, freaky personality that I don't think I would choose to associate with in reality. It is Muay Thai boxing we saw, so they had their own little Thai rituals every rounds, they had Thai traditional dance during the break, and yes they had the usual sweaty scene, bloody nose and forehead cut you see in boxing movies. I was already exhausted by the time I got there because of the 4 hours sleep I had the night before but the atmosphere of the place kept me hooked.

Surprisingly, the place was jam packed..and it is a very different experience having to sit and watch live boxing, hear the rowdy supporters roar, swear, stomp and whistle, and see the man I am dating getting so sucked into it, got so excited, and roared and cheered with the other supporters. It was rather scary to see my soft-spoken, gentleman date turned into someone so loud and out there. It's at that moment that I realize, I am dating a man this time. Lol. But the good side is, this man who roared and cheered like a rowdy English soccer fan had his soft side..occasionally would turn to me and ask if I am ok, if I am bored, if I am tired, if I am hungry, if I need a drink or explain certain things to me, or simply tab me on my hand and tell me it's the last round (Finally! After 5 hours - Yes the boxing went on from 7.30pm to 12.30am!) and he knew I was really exhausted, gave me little squeezes on my hand and reassured me that he will come to a ballet with me next time to make it up. Haha. I think that is such a cute gesture.

Counting my blessing

As much as I hate to admit, recently it has came to me that:

You = my prayers answered.

I'd hate to lose you.
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Him:
So..are you up to seeing boxing this Saturday?
Me:
Hmm?
Him:
I'm gonna watch a boxing tournament, do you want to come?
Me:
Mmm..yeah why not. Who are we going with?
Him:
Just me.
Me:
Huh, so you were gonna watch alone initially, if you didn't ask me??
Him:
What's wrong with that? I went alone for the past years...never asked any of my exes. It's one of those things that I don't want to get distracted or disturbed you know. But, I wouldn't mind you.
Me:
[A bit surprised; touched; teasingly] ..Are you sure?!
Him:
Yeah, and I guess I can make it up to you by going to see ballet or orchestra with you next time. I'll just make sure I bring my pillow.
Me:
[More touched]...*melted*
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Isn't that so sweet. I have never went out with someone who is so willing to share and to compromise with me. I officially do not know how to resist this man anymore, officially.