What have I done!

I am not sure if it's the side effects from the pills that cause me to be so emotional and unsure or I am actually feeling it - it just occurred to me today that as much as I was looking forward to go back to Perth, I am dreading the feeling of leaving home.

Beginning of the week I was over the moon when I managed to get an earlier flight into Perth, I was missing my partner like crazy; now I am regretting that I chose to leave so early, and am starting to miss my parents and dogs at home more than my partner. I guess, I do feel a bit guilty and disappointed at myself for doing this to my mom. I feel bad that I did not try as hard.

I should have been more thoughtful, the fact that I am not coming back next year, I should have spent more time home this time..with my mom, and my Snoopy. It's true what my mom said, the next time I come back, Snoopy might not be around anymore and so I laid next to him on the floor today and silently hoped that he knows how much I love him..

Maternal clock?

A week ago I seriously thought I was pregnant because when I was surrounded by toddler and baby cousins almost everyday, I actually thought for a few seconds that I wished one of them was mine. Yes, there were times when I thought to myself that I want a baby(!!). You know what they say about biological maternal clock..I know mine is ticking away because I never used to be able to relate to kids as much as I can now. I simply adore their presence now, the more, the better. I'm not even 23 yet!

Someone please tell me what's wrong with me!

Oh by the way, Merry Christmas. And no, fortunately my Christmas wish this year ain't a baby...yet.

cute bundle of joy

When I was still in Perth couple of weeks ago, my partner asked for a picture when I was a toddler out of randomness but I did not have one there.

So now that I'm back for holidays, I did a bit of reminiscing flipping through old photo album one night and chuckled my way through..some old memories swamped back, while some I had no recollection at all. When I told him about it, he insisted I sent some over to him because he wants to see. I gave him a sneak peak which I would like to share here too.


These pictures make me want to give myself a big squish! Lol.

Ps: Click image for bigger view, though I may not guarantee you can resist yourself wanting to squish me too.

He, who continues to surprise me.

On the day I left Perth, my partner decided to take a day off from work to send me off. Considering the fact that he's a workaholic, I thought that gesture was pretty sweet.

He arrived at my doorstep late and told me that he had to meet a client, hope I wouldn't mind if he dropped me off Uni for 30 minutes to sort out my stuff while he quickly go see the client. I couldn't say I didn't mind a bit, in fact I was a bit annoyed that he took longer than he said.

In the car to the airport, I got emotional talking about my dad and tears just wouldn't stop flowing, he tried to calm me down while driving. I finally calmed down when we reached the airport, and realized he chose to park not so close to the terminal. He gave me the key and told me to open the boot because he needed to make a call. For a moment I thought I knew he's got something up his sleeves, yet I didn't reject the possibility that he probably really needed to make a call for work again.

Anyways, I did as I was told - pressed a button on the key remote, the boot popped open and I saw a small white gift bag with a big red ribbon nicely tagged onto my luggage. There, I stood motionless. He got out of the car and said, "That's for my baby..I did not go see no client, I went to pick this up for ya from the jeweler. Open it up.". I opened and saw this beautiful bracelet, he put it on me, I was touched beyond words...

Today I still wear the bracelet and each day I'm loving it more. Ironically, I know it wouldn't be a bracelet that I would pick up if I were to buy one myself; similarly, this man..wouldn't be a man I thought would work out so well. I guess, my judgments were wrong. And I am so glad I gave myself a chance, I am so thankful for him.

Shoe fetish

Everyone believes that Malaysia is a heaven for shoes shopping. I can't disagree.

Because I went shopping on 2 consecutive afternoons and bought 7 pairs of sexy shoes. You know what's the best still..all of them only cost me a total of AU$140. I remember I bought ONE pair of heel that cost me AU$130 in Perth.

I give myself a limit of 10 pairs. 10 pairs would probably add approximately 3kgs to my luggage back to Australia?

A home of my own

I walked into that same house that I had always called home for at least good 10 years before I left the country. There's a sense of familiarity, with a few changes. It's now filled with photos - family photos - hung on the wall and on the table top..but somehow, they still fail to fill that sharp void that lingers. It is a weird feeling that I can barely pin words on.

I was talking to a colleague weeks before I head back..about home. Just which is my home because I don't consider myself having one. I had one but I lost it..and the same one that I used to feel so warm and comfortable in, now makes me feel insecure. Superficially, it is still there but when you look deep enough, it's empty..an empty nest.

"I guess then, the only way you can have a home, is to build one yourself.", she said.

Oh, I've already got an ideal one in my mind. And I will build from scratch.

The day before

I am going back to Malaysia tomorrow.

I am not excited, but flooded with anxiety and dreadfulness to see the state that my parents are in and having to deal with it. I am not looking forward to big family gatherings too - family politics. I think being away from home all these years has turned me into a rather individualistic person. I like to do things at my own pace in my own space.

24 days, that's the duration I'll be away from Perth, my home.
24 days, I counted - that's how long I'll be away from my two babies - my dog, and my man.
24 days, it's not long but it's not short either.
24 days, I'll be counting down every day.

Be good, take good care, because I will be back after 24 days.

Blissful

A bouquet of flower, a bottle of sparkling wine, and a candlelight dinner.

I am pampered, I am loved. I am blissfully blessed and truly thankful. I have nothing else to ask for.

Thank you.

Yet another weekend..

Yet another weekend is gone. Every beginning of the week, I'll anxiously await for the arrival of weekends, but sadly weekends always seem to come and go so fast that on every Sunday night, I'll feel sorry for myself. This weekend, was spent rather quietly with those fews who are close to my heart.

I made an effort to spend quality time with few good girlfriends and most importantly rekindled old flame with a close friend who I had not caught up with for more than a year. We used to be so close, but life journeys can very often change or put halt to things. I am just glad that we both decided to make an effort for a catch up this weekend. We found back that old comfort, chatted, gossiped and giggled away like when we used to in year 2003. Suddenly, things just clicked back..it almost felt like we traveled back in time.

Norman has been a sweetheart lately. Because it's my 2nd last weekend here this year, he takes the initiative to spend more time with me, took me out for quiet, romantic dinner and then walk by the river - for the first time in a relationship, I feel like I lead a life of those in movies. The guy dressed up formally in his suit, picked me up and we went to a fancy restaurant. And the night before, he actually picked a dress for me..one that he likes to see me in. The next day, he packed up his mom's home-cooked food for me - just because he knows I love Malay cuisine. Then, he made plans for me for next weekend. I am treated like a woman, pampered like a princess. As I am typing out this, I truly feel like the luckiest girl on this planet..and no, I am not dreaming... and if there's any day I feel like I am in love with him, it is tonight. I know I have fallen in love with him when I have a new paranoia, a fear that I'll ever lose this man. Yes, finally I have come to realization that I am in love, madly in love again.

This week will be my last week here before I fly back to Malaysia. I won't be back until 2008. I had called up few more close friends who I haven't seen for a long-due catch ups. Because 2007 is coming to an end, I have this weird need to meet up with them and do meaningful things with the close ones before the year wraps up.