Because I made a difference..

I had a presentation of my practical experience to my fellow coursemates today. Before the talk, it did not occur to me how much I missed my aged clients in the facility. But when I started to talk, I could not stop...my passion brewed and spilled, I heard a few "Owwhs" and "Awww" from the crowd. At the end of the talk, my lecturer told me that I was glowing with excitement, passion and enthusiasm.

The highlights I gained from this prac is definitely the progress and improvement I saw in some of the residents - how when we walked in the facility the first day we were told how negative a resident was but the day we left, the resident made a record of coming out of his/her room few times a week.

I remember one incident particularly well. I dug out a record player and about 300 copies of records and songs from 1920s and put them in the activity room. That morning I played the record while morning tea was served. Usually, most of them would take off right after morning tea but that particular morning, everyone stayed. What the highlight was that two very isolated, negative and anxious residents joined in when they knew about the record player. And there was a point of time when all of them were singing along to the record in unison, clapping and tapping away...At that scene,I swiftly but quietly moved out of that room and sat down by myself..because I touched beyond words, it was such a heart-warming moment - to the point that even my heart was weak to hold myself upright because it was melting away. It was such a good feeling to know that I've made a difference in someone's life.

One day I overheard them talking amongst themselves that it was so lovely having us there, that we've been so wonderful to them, that we've made a difference. The day I left, some came up to me, held my hand and thank me. Some gave me a hug and a kiss. Some requested me to not leave, to stay. Some sat by themselves and teared.

Before this prac, I would never consider working in an aged care. I was wrong. I would work in an aged care now, simply because I want to make a difference for them when they're going through their last stage of life. I want to make it better for them.

Illusion.

Quite often you think you know the ones you love well..but truth is, most of the time you don't. Because the ones you think you love most and know well are often those who end up cheating, betraying and lying to you. One day, you look at the person thinking that you know him inside out, that you are beginning to get used to him but the next day this man..suddenly seemed so distant, and hostile and you ask yourself, who is this man? Because I do not know him anymore. He made me love him, trust him and accept him but in turn, he betrayed and lied to me.

My trust and faith is wrecked. Because the men who did this to me, are firstly my father..then my boyfriend. I once told myself, I shall be smart and cautious enough to not let myself go through what my mother went through with her marriage; and that it is ok I came from a broken family so long that I build myself one safe and warm one...but now my hope is shattered, I have failed.

I see a repeat of history. My life 5 years back revisited. The pain resurfaced. The only difference is perhaps that this time, it's even more unbearable.

I've almost given up questioning men, and start questioning life in general because one wise man once told me that one should rather die than be betrayed. There is no deceit in death. It delivers precisely what it has promised. Betrayal, though...betrayal is the willful slaughter of hope.

Singapore

I have a love-hate relationship with Singapore every time I'm here. Despite the constantly-rushing crowd and the bustling of this city, I still feel calm, warm and fuzzy in the arms of the man I love, and the embrace of my dear friends.

Leaving on a jet plane

My ears are extra sensitive to the traffic of airplanes flying over my apartments tonight, never have they sounded so prominent before, I guess I never really take note of them until tonight. Because, my baby's flight leaving Perth just took off few minutes ago and I did not send him off.

In fact, I wasn't all that nice to him just before he left - even when he came over with a valentine's gift and a bouquet of flowers.

I wished I could be nicer, and less demanding, and more appreciative.

Lunar New Year

Tomorrow is the first day of Chinese New Year. It is a tradition that Chinese from over the world to gather home the night before for a family dinner, over a round table, it's one hell of an important dinner for a Chinese family as it signifies the togetherness of the family.

This year, is my first year celebrating Chinese New Year all by myself. Usually, either I am home or my parents will be over Perth with me. And so it's a rather weird experience for me, although I've got plans with my partner and some colleagues for the dinner tonight, it still feels very different. It just doesn't feel complete without the presence of family members.

...I miss home and I know I am missed, too.

I wish everyone a very prosperous and safe new year.

Back to square one

I've got a brand new dog. New look with new set of attitude.
From the moment I picked her up, I laughed my way home.
Bebe is now a little rat. What do you say if I change her name to "Ratta"? "Bebe" just sounds too odd for her now.

By the way, I think she can be easily mistaken as a cross breed Jack Russell cos seriously, shedding those fur makes her look more agile and hyper. Gulp.

The worse, the better.

I wonder if it's a normal thing for someone to snoop around his/her ex's profile - which is exactly what I did on a Saturday morning when my biological clock was set to wake me up at the normal weekday's 7.30am. You can say it's probably out of boredom and curiosity, well..curious because I know he was better man when he was with me, so I am curious to find out how bad he's doing now. The worse, the better. And so I did it, on Facebook.

As I clicked through his photos, I began to feel the rage towards him again. It reminded me how much I've despised him, how pathetic he is..and it makes me angrier at the fact that I was so blinded, that I fell for this loser. I tried to understand why I fell for him, because all I can feel towards him now is disgust and...well, more disgust. But what satisfy me was to see how awful he looks now compared to the times I was with him. I'd like to believe that it was my presence that gave him some extra credit. And yes, without me, he just looks like a piece of shit. As a matter of fact, that gives me the thrill. Like I say, the worse, the better.

It occurs to me recently that I don't think I will ever forgive him, he probably doesn't deserve it anyways and I enjoy not having him in my life right now. I can walk straight past him on the street and not even acknowledge him is my biggest success in this life, and God how I love that sensation.

Afterall, he's just a pathetic motherfucker and the biggest dickhead. But you know what's the funniest thing, he always thinks and claims that he's better than most people, when really, in reality he's not even worth your two cents.