Gloom

Why is life so painful sometimes?
And since when, the thought of death is more comforting..?

Happiness answered

"After all, what is happiness?

Love, they tell me. But love doesn't bring and never has brought happiness. On the contrary, it's a constant state of anxiety, a battlefield; it's sleepless nights, asking ourselves all the time if we are doing the right thing. Real love is composed of ecstasy and agony.

Money brings happiness? Fine. In that case, everyone who earns enough to have a high standard of living would be able to stop work. But then they're more troubled than ever, as if they were afraid of losing everything. Money attracts money, that's true. Poverty might bring unhappiness, but money won't necessarily bring happiness.

I spent a lot of my life looking for happiness, now what I want is joy. Joy is like sex - it begins and ends. I want pleasure. I want to be contented, but happiness? I no longer fall into that trap.

When I'm with a group of people and I want to provoke them by asking that most important of questions: 'Are you happy?', they all reply, 'Yes I am'.

Then I ask: 'But don't you want more? Don't you want to keep on growing?' And they all reply: 'Of course.'

Then I say: 'So you're not happy.'."

--The Witch of Portobello.

For mothers

Today, the shops are stacked with Carnation. I reminded my partner to buy some flowers home when he left my house this morning. I have a reason to silently celebrate and respect his mother although I have not met her yet, for all I know it's her who raise the man I love into one of the most humble and selfless individual I've met.

Then, I thought of my own mother...

Mother, to be honest sometimes I cannot stand your constant nagging and whinging for I am a grown up too, with my own sets of problems to worry about. And quite frankly, sometimes I do blame you for who I've turned out, especially when I see myself as bitter, negative and insecure as you. There are times, I wished I can just run away because I've had enough of the problems between you and dad and thought I do not deserve to be dragged in. From there it gets worse, as sometimes I wished I could just cut the cord, be a lone individual related to no one so that I do not have to be bogged down by other's life situation and problems - this includes yours. I've been secretly blaming you too for the change of dynamic in our family since that incident 7 years ago, especially between the two of us, where I've switched role with you becoming your teacher while you've become my student who I constantly have to look after and worry about. It really is quite exhausting.

It is not until recently that I realized, you are also a victim too, that you are probably as tired as I am. But I know, as tired as you are, at the very least you're selfless as you've always wanted the best for me and that is one thing that makes you a greater person than I am, that is one thing that I still need to learn from you. Not only that, I must say I also have to ask for your forgiveness for I've been very selfish towards you sometimes.

Happy mother's day. And the same goes out to all mothers.

Off-limit

I have not felt so mad for so long. The point is, every time I get fuming mad, I lose myself and my sensibility as anger looms over me. I feel nothing, nothing but rage and hatred. I am not my usual self as I turn uncontrollable, cruel, scary, cold and overtly bitchy. My usual soft spot, empathy and warmth switch off as I do not fear, I do not reason and I do not sympathize; I simply shut down.

And that's when the people around me come in - those who think that they know me, are now starting to question, who is she?

Not just any other day

Today is one of those day when I feel...spiritually low and the need to cry a truckload. Not that anything particularly bad has happened, but you know, it's one of those days when you slowed your pace, looked around and started to realize what actually have been going on because on any other normal days, you're just too consumed with keeping up in pace with life that you haven't had time to come in contact with feelings.

Most of the times, days like this only occur when I have a missing piece to my life and I struggle to piece everything back together. The funny thing about tonight is, I actually somehow managed to piece together my life quite effortlessly just to realize that it is not a picture that I have been anticipating. A messy, disorganized, jagged piece.

I laid still in his arms, wearied, teary and blurted, "I do not like who I am. I don't like my life."

I actually gave myself goosebumps saying that.