The power of acknowledgment, just acknowledgment.
Few weeks ago, I've started seeing a counsellor upon a request from my partner and a close friend. Main reason being, they were worried that I am leaning towards depression. Being in a new relationship, resurfaced my past conflict with my dad, and my family crisis. Trust, faith, insecurities, self-esteem have became some big issues. I relieved my painful childhood, how my dad betrayed me, how my mom broke her promise and attempted suicide twice, how I had dared not to sleep so I can keep an eye on my mom. I built my world around my experience, unfortunately a significant event being that. I questioned my partner's every move and required an explanation, a good enough reason behind the whys and hows of things. I felt unsafe, and very vulnerable. So naturally, I behaved defensively to try to protect myself, shielding myself from what my dad had put my mother and I through. I hit rock bottom one night, thinking that perhaps death is the only solution, although I've hated my mom for her attempts.
Funnily enough recently, I've discovered that I may not have went through depression as another disorder may have explained my behaviour better, it's called Post traumatic stress syndrome. Traditionally, PTSD is only thought to be suffered by people who went through acute traumatic situation like an earthquake or a deadly accident. However newer researches show that people with chronic conditions like a chronic medical illness or things like child abuse actually have higher rate of PTSD. The bad news is, coming from my medical background, I know it's something more serious than depression and treatment is far more complicated. The good news is, ironically I've felt more relieved, being able to pin-point what exactly have been keeping me the way I was.
During the therapy session, my therapist told me to write two letters too; one directed to my mother and the other to my father, and the bonus was - I get to use any words and said anything I liked, there is no limit to it. And so I penned down my feelings, first addressing to mother. Instead of worries and stresses that normally I have shown towards her, I found myself feeling so angry at her. And when directed to my father, I started with rage and anger which I had expected but soon burned down to deep pang of bereavement and streams of tears. There I go, despite the anger and disappointment towards my dad, there is this side of me..the daughter side of me who wished I am still daddy's little girl, who wished to be able to share with dad my ups and downs of life.
My therapist had acknowledged the pain I've gone through. She drew my family portrait to show me; My family portrait is consisted of a predator(dad), a victim(mom) and a rescuer(me). The victim is a victim to the predator, but the rescuer is a victim to both the predator and victim. When put it that way in an equation, I could see why I was feeling overwhelmed.
Surprisingly, after two session I seemed much brighter. And I guess, sometimes maybe all a person needs is acknowledgment?
Funnily enough recently, I've discovered that I may not have went through depression as another disorder may have explained my behaviour better, it's called Post traumatic stress syndrome. Traditionally, PTSD is only thought to be suffered by people who went through acute traumatic situation like an earthquake or a deadly accident. However newer researches show that people with chronic conditions like a chronic medical illness or things like child abuse actually have higher rate of PTSD. The bad news is, coming from my medical background, I know it's something more serious than depression and treatment is far more complicated. The good news is, ironically I've felt more relieved, being able to pin-point what exactly have been keeping me the way I was.
During the therapy session, my therapist told me to write two letters too; one directed to my mother and the other to my father, and the bonus was - I get to use any words and said anything I liked, there is no limit to it. And so I penned down my feelings, first addressing to mother. Instead of worries and stresses that normally I have shown towards her, I found myself feeling so angry at her. And when directed to my father, I started with rage and anger which I had expected but soon burned down to deep pang of bereavement and streams of tears. There I go, despite the anger and disappointment towards my dad, there is this side of me..the daughter side of me who wished I am still daddy's little girl, who wished to be able to share with dad my ups and downs of life.
My therapist had acknowledged the pain I've gone through. She drew my family portrait to show me; My family portrait is consisted of a predator(dad), a victim(mom) and a rescuer(me). The victim is a victim to the predator, but the rescuer is a victim to both the predator and victim. When put it that way in an equation, I could see why I was feeling overwhelmed.
Surprisingly, after two session I seemed much brighter. And I guess, sometimes maybe all a person needs is acknowledgment?
posted by pink penguin at
8:15 pm
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