Post-festive-season-reality check
I just came back from a 2-nights road trip with the boyfriend. Arriving at the doorstep sighing heavily as reality hits, my mind wandering off to its section where troubles and worries are stored - not a pleasant sight. Upstairs, 5 minutes after the boyfriend left, my home phone rang. Reluctantly I answered assuming it's some annoying telemarketers. Turned out, it was worse - mom wailing at the other end. Oh hello, reality is now rubbing in my face.
I sighed numerous times as she wailed, telling me she wants a divorce and that dad hit her and the dogs again. No surprise to me. I sighed again. All I could say to her was, "Pack your bags, take the dogs and leave." and "I told you so". She continued to wailed while half yelling to dad over the phone and I could feel my blood pressure soaring and impatience brewing. I've had enough, finally I said to hand over the phone to dad. I thought I was going to yell at him over the phone, I thought I was going to pour my misery at him but the minute he answered the phone, my soft counselling mode automatically switched on. I asked and listened, I empathized and adviced. What the fuck, yes.
I don't know if I've matured or I'm way past it. When talking to him, I couldn't help but think that divorce is the best way out. The past had been painful for all 3 of us, we battled within and between each other in hope to search for happiness and love. It's been a long, dreadful 7 years and relationships continued to deteriorate. If we can't work things out together, we'll work things out apart. It may not be the end but the beginning. Or am I cowarding out? Am I taking the short way out? I don't know.
I hung up the phone bursting into tears. I did not know why I cried but the sense of heaviness and exhaustion loomed over my head again. I feel like telling both of them that I want out and I'm past the point of being the guard for their marriage and lives. I've lived in the shadow of their marriage and lives and now I want to focus on myself, my life. Sometimes, I caught myself thinking and acting like them that I cringed! And desperately I want to get out of the shadow and break free because I do not want to absorb more negative thoughts, feelings and behaviours but it almost feels like it's embedded deep in my soul now.
Oh God.
I sighed numerous times as she wailed, telling me she wants a divorce and that dad hit her and the dogs again. No surprise to me. I sighed again. All I could say to her was, "Pack your bags, take the dogs and leave." and "I told you so". She continued to wailed while half yelling to dad over the phone and I could feel my blood pressure soaring and impatience brewing. I've had enough, finally I said to hand over the phone to dad. I thought I was going to yell at him over the phone, I thought I was going to pour my misery at him but the minute he answered the phone, my soft counselling mode automatically switched on. I asked and listened, I empathized and adviced. What the fuck, yes.
I don't know if I've matured or I'm way past it. When talking to him, I couldn't help but think that divorce is the best way out. The past had been painful for all 3 of us, we battled within and between each other in hope to search for happiness and love. It's been a long, dreadful 7 years and relationships continued to deteriorate. If we can't work things out together, we'll work things out apart. It may not be the end but the beginning. Or am I cowarding out? Am I taking the short way out? I don't know.
I hung up the phone bursting into tears. I did not know why I cried but the sense of heaviness and exhaustion loomed over my head again. I feel like telling both of them that I want out and I'm past the point of being the guard for their marriage and lives. I've lived in the shadow of their marriage and lives and now I want to focus on myself, my life. Sometimes, I caught myself thinking and acting like them that I cringed! And desperately I want to get out of the shadow and break free because I do not want to absorb more negative thoughts, feelings and behaviours but it almost feels like it's embedded deep in my soul now.
Oh God.
posted by pink penguin at
11:25 am
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