To whom it may concern...

I turned 26!

2011-03-10T15:40:00.002+08:00

When I was 7, I thought any age more than 25 is very old. Well, now I'm here.

Two months ago, I resigned from the aged care that I worked in for the past two years. Opportunity came and I took the offer, didn't put much thoughts to it, until my last day at work when reality hit. It suddenly dawned on me on how difficult it was, because I'm not really just leaving that work place and my colleagues per say I'm also leaving behind 90 elderly people who I have been caring for..who I've come to know and love. It became one of the most difficult thing that I had to face, I was extremely sad and literally curled in bed that weekend drowning in sorrow. I regretted my decision but knew that there was no turning back.

Two weeks before my birthday I was buried until a pile of work in my new job. I still thought of my previous work place, and the people there. So I thought, what better way of celebrating my birthday than visiting everyone there, I know that will definitely make me happy! So I took matter into my own hand and applied for leave.

So I was there yesterday, soaking up all the love and comfort from colleagues who have become my friends and residents who are like my grandmothers and grandfathers to me. They didn't have to know it was my birthday. I was very happy, and satisfied. Just the way I'd like to spend my day. I wouldn't say it's very memorable - it wasn't a big party and there was no surprise element, but I'd like to think that it is very, very meaningful.

Life after 21

2010-04-25T16:44:00.003+08:00

My parents came for a three weeks visit. Few years ago, I would think that it's a long visit but now I don't even think it's close to being enough.

I was in the shower few days after they left and thought how quiet the house is without them. My dog looks and acts like she's depressed without their presence. I feel weird without them too. The only one who's close to normal is the boyfriend. It's funny to think that 3 years ago I would hate the idea of them visiting, let alone the idea of living together with my parents...now I don't seem to even mind and I actually missed the feeling of living at home.

I miss the feeling of not having to worry about house hold chores; coming home to home-cooked dinners; going out with my parents on weekend, having breakfast with them; not having to do the washing and folding and having guidance from them.

These are just the few very obvious ones.

Not all there

2010-02-16T20:22:00.004+08:00

I feel particularly weird tonight - one of those days where you don't feel so good but you feel like you almost do not have the reason to feel this way. I feel like keeping to myself very much, and when I usually do, I tend to want to do a lot of thinking but not tonight. No thinking, maybe just some expressing to do.

I once talked to an old lady, who told me that life is all about purposes - when you were 18, you looked forward to graduating uni; when you finished uni, you looked forward to work; when your career was stable, you looked forward to finding a life partner, having children, grandchildren so on and so forth but when you have done all that, the only thing that awaits is death and life has lost its purpose. I am not anywhere near that stage yet but I guess my life is so stable now and I can almost see what comes next and to be honest, I feel that this is it! Well - sort of, if you get what I mean.

Am I weight down by responsibilities? Maybe. Maybe I am not ready for all these yet? Maybe all I want isn't a mortgage now but the endless shopping spree and exotic holidays on the other side of the world? Maybe I want to feel the adrenaline pump and the jitters of a first date again? I don't know. I feel guilty for feeling this way sometimes, I have so much in my life that some people would kill for, I feel like a total ungrateful idiot - so what am I complaining about again?? I don't know!

I think I just need a good 12 hours sleep.

So true

2009-12-27T12:39:00.003+08:00

"I would rather trust a woman's instinct than a man's reason."

-- Stanley Baldwin, Prime Minister of UK 1923-1929.

Christmas Spirit

2009-12-15T11:58:00.003+08:00

I think everyone should visit a nursing home on Christmas period to see how lucky we are as compared to the residents. Christmas time is a reminder to us to give generously if we can and to rejoice on how fortunate we are to be able to celebrate this festive season with our loved ones.

I want to celebrate Christmas in a very simple and basic way this year. I think working in aged care facilities has taught me to appreciate simpler things more. So this year, we're not spending big or going anywhere, just a quiet family lunch at our place. I want to be able to savour and appreciate every warm moments that I can have with closed and loved ones.

Life, the cruel side.

2009-11-14T12:15:00.007+08:00

I've always question life in a very subtle way but recent events that unfold serve a reality check for me. Someone I worked with was involved in an accident during her holiday and has left her paralysed neck down for the rest of her life. Another, has found out that she has cervical cancer. Both girls are only 29. Both have the same occupation as me.

Our occupation require us to deal with unfortunate and disabled clients almost everyday yet there never has been one second that I thought that could have happened to me or someone close to me - that we are always on our side of the game and position - we're the professionals and they're the clients. Subconciously, I thought we're invincible. I tried to think that because she is an Occupational Therapist surrounded by many others that she know, she's going to get the best care out of it; but...on the flip side, because she's an Occupational Therapist, she knows what ahead of her more than an ordinary client, she could already see the hurdles that is waiting ahead for her.

I spent my week at work drowning myself in horrible thoughts, mainly thinking of her and the types of changes that she needs to go through - emotionally, physically, environmentally and most of the time I had to stop myself from thinking because it's just far too cruel. I've received numerous phone calls from colleagues who's working with me who used to work with her, and had to go through the whole process of explaining. And then I had to make numerous phone calls to OTs that I know who may be able to spare a few hours to cover her shift for her for the next months until she's rehabilitated and ready to come back to work - which, to be honest, I'm not even sure if she can. I'm not so close to her to cry for her yet close enough to be bothered by the fact that this succesful 29 year old, soon to be engaged, who has a 700 thousand home loan is at rock bottom now with no income insurance and distorted life direction. And maybe the fact that my life is so similar to her's prior to her accident, that's left me feeling so much for her.

Events like this is never part of the plan we have for our lives; we plan to finish studying and work and get a house, then get married and have children, grandchildren and great-grandchildren. Yet the likelihood of bad things happening is as comparable to the likelihood of the good. I'm not sure how she's going to be able to cope but I am certain that if I'm in her position, the last thing that I want is to live and face life.

Key to the door

2009-10-16T17:43:00.000+08:00

I got the keys to my first home today! Yay!

We packed our last weekends with furniture and home decors shopping. I've got a good idea of what I want to put in the house. The boyfriend is busy planning to build a patio and a water feature for the courtyard. I think he's more excited than me, infact, everyone is more excited than me - my finance broker, my friends, my colleagues, my settlement lawyer. I did not feel the excitement until today, partly because today I've become a legal dog owner. Lol. Let's just say that finally no one can say to me, "You know you're not supposed to have a dog in your property?". And, I know I can paint the house in whatever colour that I like. But most importantly, because I can finally turned my house into my home. =]

Spring has finally sprung!

2009-10-05T11:03:00.006+08:00

I have developed a love-hate relationship with spring. I love it because my system yearns for the bright sunshine, the warm but not hot weather, the greenest grass and the colourful flowers; I hate it because it's when the creepy crawlies wake from their hibernation and now they're all over my backyard.

I was talking to my partner the other night when I realized I am turning 25 next year. I've experienced my first neck and shoulder ache that resulted me seeing a physio and buying heatpack to relieve the muscle tightness. I whinged about the pain everyday and suddenly I sound like my mom, ...already! I am becoming more aware of my health and the wrinkles on my hands and face.

This year I find myself a lot calmer and in control of my emotions. I am able to deal with problems in a more mature way, and am more respectful towards people who I love. I have realized that there is so much to life and want to make use of every minutes of my days. I also find pleasure in the little things in life - a visit to the library with my partner means just as much to me as a romantic dinner; gardening can be enjoyable when I do it with someone I love. I am also learning to give more and take less, as a daughter, a partner, a friend and a member of the society.

I know it's not end of the year quite yet, but I'm quite keen for this year to wrap up as I can't wait to finish it with a bang and start afresh with renewed faith and aims for next year.

Road rage

2009-09-23T15:48:00.001+08:00

I was driving behind a car that nearly caused three accidents, it baffled me - I thought driving back home is worse than here but I am proved wrong almost every time I drive on Tonkin Highway. To make the matter worse, drivers here are stupid, too. Drivers changing lane without checking blind spot, drivers changing lanes the second they signaled, drivers doing U-turn when they’re not supposed to, drivers changing lanes and squeezing into that tight spot in front of you forcing you to jam break, truck drivers driving on over-taking lane, drivers driving on 70km/h on a 100km/h zone ON THE FAST LANE.

Omg.

So I’ve cursed and sworn, I’ve given the finger, I’ve horned and horned and horned.. Now that’s road rage, isn't it?

Men and cleaning just don't go hand in hand

2009-08-02T18:10:00.011+08:00

I kindly asked my partner to help me clean the bathroom this weekend because I had endless chores, errands and I had to go into work on Sunday. Reluctantly, he agreed.

Sunday morning, I woke up and found him in my bathroom, cleaning. For a moment, I was glad that he's willing to help, not the kind of men who just watches TV, plays games and be served like a prince. Before I could finish with that thought completely, suddenly something caught my eyes. I spotted a pail, inside it's filled with water and...WTF....my makeups?!?!! My eyeshadows, my foundations, my eye liners, concealers and mascara!! My precious makeups!! I don't think I breathed for a few seconds.

So this is what happened - my very thoughtful partner thought that the covers of my makeup cases are all dusty and so he decided to clean them - Great! My problem is that he's dumped all of them into WATER to clean the case!!! If you're wondering what happened to my makeup - well, let's just put it this way - some needs to be replaced. Are you thinking what I'm thinking too - why can't he just bloody wipe the cases down with a wet cloth?! Well, he's got an answer for you - That's too much trouble.

Argghhhhhh..MEN!! Don't ask me what happened after that.

Regrets: I have a few.

2009-05-18T23:07:00.000+08:00

Regrets, we’ve all tasted the bitterness of it.

Recently I’ve been doing a lot of thinking, serious thinking – about my life and what I’ve achieved. It’s just so weird because on the surface, my life this year is perhaps the text book definition of stability. I’ve finished Master and got a job as a Registered Occupational Therapist almost instantly. I’m well-paid, I’m confident and good at my job. I’m independent, I live by myself and I have a dog. My parents are proud of me; people around me think I’ve built a path to success. But I don’t.

Maybe the stability has gotten the worse of me. I feel like I have no room to grow and improve anymore. I’ve lived 23 years of my life studying, constantly improving academically and non-academically. And suddenly, it’s plateau. And so my life has finally slowed down, which means that I’ve finally had a chance to stop and think, and look back just to check if I’ve always made the right decision. To be honest, I’m not sure if I did. Yea, I’ve gotten myself to where I am this stage of my life, a stable income and stable 9-5pm job but...this, is not my dream. I look around me, I see friends who put their feet down and pursue their dreams and I regret I did not follow their footsteps.

I gave up the dream of becoming a musician in an orchestra, taking on my dream job around the world. And then...I also gave up my other dream, of becoming a psychologist. Just because what I’m doing now seemed more logical, and reality-based. I chose to take on the safest path, now I’m finally faced with the consequence of it, and I never thought it’ll be this significant to my life.

A nursing home story

2009-05-05T10:25:00.004+08:00

I work in aged care facilities, which means Death has become something that I have to deal with almost everyday. Few weeks ago, I witnessed someone dying, right infront of my eyes, peacefully though. One, two...three last gasps of air and he has crossed over to another world.

There is something so rewarding about working in aged care facilities that many people do not see. My biggest drive is to make someone's last journey a comfortable one. Second to that is probably the fact that it's more like I'm visiting my grandparent's home everyday, and there is a total of...let's see, 170 of them? Third to that is the amazing and wise lessons and messages that they convey to young people. 90% of my residents are 80 years old and above; I have one who is 106 years old, three 99 years old turning 100 - so technically, they have been through WWI, WWII and the Vietnam war. Most of them have dementia, they are frail, they have disabilities. Despite their physical and cognitive disabilities, their eyes so often tell stories of strength, courage and wisdom.

It's ironic how when we tell our friends about our troubles and they respond with "You'll be fine.", we get somehow taken aback, thinking, "How would you know what I'm going through.". Truth is, they don't. Most people say that because that's the only thing that they know how to say at that point of time. But, when an elderly responds with "You'll be fine.", there is some kind of truth in that. Because really, who are you to say the otherwise when this person infront of you have gone through wars and live another 50-60 odd years? What we are facing today as compared to their lives before is like comparing a gun shot to a paper cut, no? So there, when I feel like I have the world on my shoulders, all I need is a "You'll be fine!" from one of the 170 elderly that I work with and I know I can take their words for it. =)

My three-clover-leaf incident

2009-04-28T14:20:00.002+08:00

I had a rough weekend and was forced to think through few things and priorities in my life. There was a lot of uncertainty, I felt defeated and alone.

There's a stage where I've failed to see any hope in some matters and as I sat by myself by the back door my eye caught a three-clover-leaf baby plant, springing into life by the side of my fence which barely has any soil or plants.

I squatted next to it and stared at it with amazement; what is the odd of a plant surviving in such condition, and then..what is the odd that that plant is not just an ordinary grass used to harsh soil environment but a three-clover-leaf plant? I'd like to believe that this is a sign, or a message - Life..afterall, is not all dull and gloom huh.

It the little things that count

2009-02-16T00:19:00.002+09:00

What separates the good to the bad, is the intention; what separates the reasonable to the unreasonable, is acknowledgement of the intention.

2009-01-08T10:41:00.001+09:00

The past 2 weeks have been really rough and it felt like the longest 2 weeks of my entire life. I'm really going crazy and it doesn't help that I have too many things on my mind.

I wished life could be simpler. I wished that it is possible to inject a memory loss concoction so that I don't have so many thoughts floating around in my head. I wished I could turn back time and be a child once more.

Bad Start to 2009

2009-01-01T20:56:00.003+09:00

It's the new year again. I did not celebrate it this time, simply because 2008 started well but wrapped up in a really awful manner. The minute cross-over from 2008 to 2009 was perhaps one of the most awful moment I had to experience. It felt as if I was trapped in a nightmare, I sat on the couch, weeping and swearing on the phone, looking out the balcony into the sky that was showered with fireworks accompanied by distant crowd cheering "5,4,3,2,1..Happy New Year!". I remember thinking to myself cynically, "Huh..Happy New Year? You're fucking with me."

I spent my new year day in bed drowning myself in sorrow. Text messages of NY well-wishes did not stop coming in, I felt almost like everyone around me is free flowing while I am trapped. I finally gathered some strength, got up and did some thing productive. Silently although quite reluctantly, I planned myself some NY resolutions.

i. Start a fresh life, concentrate on my new job, my new path, focus on myself
ii. Save and travel
iii. Rebuild faith
iv. Keep fit, return to gym

I'm not sure why though, today I suddenly thought of my ex. I remembered distinctly one night, outside my East Perth apartment, before we got together he said to me, "At the end of the day, we only think for ourselves. Everyone in this world is self-centered.". I reacted negatively to that statement then but I'm beginning to believe in that now.

Post-festive-season-reality check

2008-12-27T11:25:00.002+09:00

I just came back from a 2-nights road trip with the boyfriend. Arriving at the doorstep sighing heavily as reality hits, my mind wandering off to its section where troubles and worries are stored - not a pleasant sight. Upstairs, 5 minutes after the boyfriend left, my home phone rang. Reluctantly I answered assuming it's some annoying telemarketers. Turned out, it was worse - mom wailing at the other end. Oh hello, reality is now rubbing in my face.

I sighed numerous times as she wailed, telling me she wants a divorce and that dad hit her and the dogs again. No surprise to me. I sighed again. All I could say to her was, "Pack your bags, take the dogs and leave." and "I told you so". She continued to wailed while half yelling to dad over the phone and I could feel my blood pressure soaring and impatience brewing. I've had enough, finally I said to hand over the phone to dad. I thought I was going to yell at him over the phone, I thought I was going to pour my misery at him but the minute he answered the phone, my soft counselling mode automatically switched on. I asked and listened, I empathized and adviced. What the fuck, yes.

I don't know if I've matured or I'm way past it. When talking to him, I couldn't help but think that divorce is the best way out. The past had been painful for all 3 of us, we battled within and between each other in hope to search for happiness and love. It's been a long, dreadful 7 years and relationships continued to deteriorate. If we can't work things out together, we'll work things out apart. It may not be the end but the beginning. Or am I cowarding out? Am I taking the short way out? I don't know.

I hung up the phone bursting into tears. I did not know why I cried but the sense of heaviness and exhaustion loomed over my head again. I feel like telling both of them that I want out and I'm past the point of being the guard for their marriage and lives. I've lived in the shadow of their marriage and lives and now I want to focus on myself, my life. Sometimes, I caught myself thinking and acting like them that I cringed! And desperately I want to get out of the shadow and break free because I do not want to absorb more negative thoughts, feelings and behaviours but it almost feels like it's embedded deep in my soul now.

Oh God.

Not just an ordinary day

2008-11-28T18:03:00.003+09:00

Yesterday wasn't any ordinary day. Last night, I shocked myself with what I'm capable of. Something inside me snapped and my heart turned so cold I could somewhat taste it in my mouth. It's the stage when I've passed mourning and hurt, the tears dried up and suddenly my guards are up. Or rather...finally they are up. I was affected by no guilt, no remorse, no hurt, no pain, no fear. I felt just cold.

At this stage, I felt like I've exhausted my limits. Something feels different, out of the ordinary. I suddenly can't find tears, or weakness or even feelings. I can't find the emotions that I usually identify myself with. I am not sure where is this feeling taking me to and I don't seem to be fighting that even..

Hello, again.

2008-09-21T15:38:00.002+08:00

I just got out of a whirlwind of assignments. Juggling between uni, work, friends, lover is not the easiest job and often have me end up with no personal time and space. What comforts me is that I know I am not alone, I have 29 other coursemates feeling as overwhelmed as me. One after another, we each have our meltdowns, our moments. I woke up last Monday, angry with the world and texted a couple of my coursemates, "This fucking MOT (Master of Occupational Therapy) course is not for human, it's for superhuman!". I am so glad, however, that I have a bunch of coolest and most supportive coursemates.

There are a few places and things in specific that I have yearning to do on days when I have no stress, which is usually the day when I handed in one humonguos assignment - one of which was a 50% one dued last Friday. So anyways, without a doubt shopping or taking a walk by Swan River are two of the things I enjoy doing.

Last Friday, however, I had an urge to visit my elderly friends again so I hopped into my car and 10 minutes later, I pulled out at the aged care. They were playing Bingo when I arrived so I sat in quietly. Just opposite me was one of my favourite ladies, she struck me a look and although I knew she did not remember me she gave me a wink and a big grin. Bored by Bingo, she later whispered to me, "We should get a car and you can drive, we'll run away!". OH SNAP!..her usual cheekiness! Isn't she just too adorable? I hung around until after afternoon tea catching up with a few that could remember me and talked to the rest who did not recognize me. I was caught up with a bittersweet feeling talking to the ones who cannot recall me due to dementia.

One lady who I worked with a lot, walked in saw me and asked me what my name was. She looked surprised when I told her my name, as if she's never heard it before and told me it's such a beautiful name. It's moments like this I wished I could hug her and told her she actually have met me before and I've worked with her for 7 weeks.

The fragility of mankind and frailty of human mind is so evident in place as such. I took a walk in each cottages, realizing some changes on the names attached on some doors - the previous residents have moved out and new ones have moved it, some of which who I've worked closely with when I was there. Realizing is good enough at this stage, I do not wish to find out what have happened to the previous residents. All I know is that, they have either moved to higher care aged care due to their deterioration or they've passed away. Either one, it's no good news and I am not prepared yet to find out exactly which, not at this stage.

Just before I left, I said goodbye to a few and promised I'll be back for another visit. Two promised me that they'll remember me and I said it shall be a test for them then and their job at the mean time is to keep well and take good care of themselves. I know, however, that I won't be upset if they do not remember, I will be disappointed though if they do not take care of themselves well.

Love conquers all

2008-09-16T23:09:00.005+08:00

So, I spoke too soon.

On my friends' wedding day, it was raining cats and dogs in the afternoon. I was in long dress during the church ceremony which I had to take extra caution. But it did show a bit of mercy, rain stopped before we got to the church and the sun took over.

Everything from then onwards was just beautiful. When I said love and romance was in the air, it really was. And it was so infectious too! Every couple's love seemed extra visible that day. The church ceremony was small but filled with warmest wishes; the dinner was set in beautiful, romantic candlelight style. There was no hesitation for all to join the couple for waltz after the dinner, young and old, lovers and friends. I also had an honour to be invited to dance a song with the groom. I had known him and his bride for 2 years, they are mutual friend of me and my boyfriend and I had never seen them that happy before.

Love truly can capture the beautiful of life. It's no wonder they said love conquers all.

-------------------------------

On a side note, although it's still occasionally raining and cold, I think what truly signifies that spring is here is that, well..Love is in the air, its everywhere!

I hope that you can feel it, too.

It's SPRING!

2008-09-11T11:52:00.003+08:00

So, hello spring! Off goes the rains and gloomy days and bring on the sun and blooming flowers!

From memory, it was this time last year that I started dating. I had two choices, one of which I thought was going to be a joke and the other was going to work out. And you know what, things have unfolded in totally opposite way. I am in a relationship with the man who I thought no freaking way is going to work out and I am still good friend with the one that I thought is going to work out. And I am loving it more everyday. I've never met anyone who loved me more and who I loved more, too.

My lesson learnt, oh yes definitely not judge a book by its cover. A man who I initially perceived as wild, flirty and an alpha-guy is actually homey, sweet and soft in the inside.

More scary things..

2008-08-25T17:50:00.001+08:00

It is officially just few more months to 2009.

I am just about to turn 23.5 years old.

Holy shit.

Scary things

2008-08-20T01:03:00.006+08:00

Recently, I get more and more invitations to friend's baby shower, friend's baby Christianizing, friend's wedding, friend's hen's night, wedding reception I am starting to feel the hit from age. Last time whenever I attended this type of parties/functions, it was normally of parent's friends'; now it's my own! Almost everyone around me is settling down with a partner/long-term relationship if not a marriage. Me and my boyfriend are now rocking friend's baby to sleep or cooing to them in public more than we drink. We find ourselves sitting in restaurants squealing at the baby next to our table more often than talking about which club to go to.

Is this how a stable relationship feels like or it's just how 20-something feels like??

The world today

2008-08-14T11:45:00.002+08:00

Remember those days when as children, we used to run free in our neighbourhood, play hopscotch on the walkway and catch tadpoles by the nearby stream? Life had no boundaries, as a kid I felt so small in a big, big world with never-ending adventures; the night spelled mystery and the blue sky seemed too far stretched. My duty was to work out what animals the clouds formed across the sky, and of course to keep my tadpoles alive so that one morning I could wake up amused by the fact that they're all gone as they finally transformed into baby frogs.

Kids nowadays live a life full of rules and boundaries. The world has taken away their innocence, stressful society expectation and norms have forced children as young as 8 or 9 to take an adult's role. I know of some children who are diagnosed with bipolar disorder and major depression at the age of 6. We used to say, time waits for no one but is time really the issue today? It seems more to me that even time cannot catch with the superficial and harsh societal norm. Time gets ditched behind, children at such young age are forced to grow up; 12 years of age seems like the new 18.

It sadden me to know that it is no longer safe for children to run wild in their own neighbourhood as parents fear that one of their neighbours is a potential pedophile. Our local parks are no longer place for children to play hide and seek as they're possibly infested by criminals. Movie shows that film children eating hamburgers are to be banned soon as the rate of obesity amongst our younger generation is on the rise. Things that we used to identify a child with are no longer accepted or "correct".

I am just waiting for the day that candy, popcorn and sand castle to be taken away from them to arrive too.

Eyes are not just eyes

2008-08-06T17:25:00.003+08:00

A person's eyes can tell so much. I often find looking into someone's eyes is like looking into someone's soul. It's often not just their current state that is revealed, very often it's also the past that leads up to the current.

Eyes reveal feelings of fear, anger, joy and hatred - happy sets of eyes almost have this sparkle that catches your breathe and it's very inspiring; distraught sets of eyes are somewhat withdrawn, almost dead; fear is probably when a person does not even dare to look into yours.

Quite often, it's also from looking into someone's eyes that you can tell if he is lying or sincere. And perhaps that's why liars find eye contact intimidating, they usually choose to look away and then switch topic. At the same time, perhaps they know that if they were look into the person's eye, not only the person can tell that they're lying, they too, can find out that the person knows that they're lying and they do not have the guts to come to terms with that. You can say that liars are often cowards, and lying is a cowardly act.

There are some funny people around

2008-08-03T15:37:00.008+08:00

At the counter of a service station when buying a pack of cigarette on three different occasions.

Me : Hi, a pack of Marlboro green please.
Indian lady : Um, can I please check your ID?
Me : [Thinking, wtf?!]

Do I look like I'm a 16 year old high school chick? Fully-grown sets of boobs and half a dozen of fine wrinkles on my face, I mean, seriously?? I'm 23 for Christ's sake!

*************************************

Indian man : Hi, how can I help you?
Me : Can I please have a pack of Marlboro menthol light please?
Indian man : Sure. [Proceeded with locating the pack and payment]
Me : Thank you. [Handed in eftpos card]
Indian man : You know..smoking is not good for you, shouldn't smoke.
Me : Err..haha. Thanks anyway. [Took the pack and card and left].

Wtf?! Seriously?! Freak!

*************************************

Caucasian man : Hi, how is it going?
Me : Good yourself?
Caucasian man : Can't be any better.
Me : Can I please get myself a pack of Marlboro menthol light please?
Caucasian man : (In a teasing tone) You smoke?? [Proceeded with locating the pack, turned back around] Why do you smoke?
Me : Well, believe it or not, I just do. (Smile)

I mean..that's not an legitimate answer but what kind of question is that anyway! And, what is wrong with all these people!

Hair business

2008-07-26T19:12:00.006+08:00

Someone once said to me, "Hair is 90% of your looks.". Cannot agree more, no statement more true than that.

I've experienced some hideous haircut in my life, so to speak. I believe everyone out there has, it just depends on the level of hideousness, I guess. One wrong chop off your fringe can totally turn you into a country pumpkin instantly - and not by choice, you can trust me with this, I speak of personal experience. So my advice is, make an effort to be best mate with your hairdresser, because this fella has got 90% of your looks in his hands.

So here's the thing - I don't considered myself settled in a country until I've found a reliable hairdresser. And I've finally found one in Perth, after 6 good years of searching. Amen for that!

Behind closed doors

2008-07-02T21:11:00.003+08:00

I drove into a quiet lane in Fremantle, and was instantly greeted with calmness and serenity. The houses were very unique, each is very individual in its design and colours. They are no mansions, some are like cottages, one has vines on the wall and windows, while some reminds me of a painting. I spotted house number 5 and parked my car at the side.

I stepped out of the car to see a man waving at me at the door, he was standing on a walking stick and as he walked towards me, I noticed his awkward gait. And as he came closer, I noticed his face was slightly asymmetrical due to the disorder. I introduced myself and so did he, but I had a hard time understanding him because of his slurred speech.

For a moment, I felt very sad. Just a minute ago I was greeted by serenity and looking at the house I couldn't help but feel awe and envious of the people who own the house. I also had a mental picture of happy family in each house. Little did I know that behind each closed door, there may be a story. In this case, a story of a family that is affected by multiple sclerosis. I felt very sad for people who were affected by this disorder and see how their lives changes because of it, and to give up some many things. Not because they were willing to, they just had no choice, they were forced into it.

This particular gentleman was a psychologist before his diagnosis. He was made redundant after having this disorder, his young boys lost respect for him and his wife is no longer fond of him. Then, there are stories of a CEO, a teacher, a professor, a librarian, ... ...

It's time like this that made me think who am I to state that my life is shit.

The power of acknowledgment, just acknowledgment.

2008-06-19T20:15:00.002+08:00

Few weeks ago, I've started seeing a counsellor upon a request from my partner and a close friend. Main reason being, they were worried that I am leaning towards depression. Being in a new relationship, resurfaced my past conflict with my dad, and my family crisis. Trust, faith, insecurities, self-esteem have became some big issues. I relieved my painful childhood, how my dad betrayed me, how my mom broke her promise and attempted suicide twice, how I had dared not to sleep so I can keep an eye on my mom. I built my world around my experience, unfortunately a significant event being that. I questioned my partner's every move and required an explanation, a good enough reason behind the whys and hows of things. I felt unsafe, and very vulnerable. So naturally, I behaved defensively to try to protect myself, shielding myself from what my dad had put my mother and I through. I hit rock bottom one night, thinking that perhaps death is the only solution, although I've hated my mom for her attempts.

Funnily enough recently, I've discovered that I may not have went through depression as another disorder may have explained my behaviour better, it's called Post traumatic stress syndrome. Traditionally, PTSD is only thought to be suffered by people who went through acute traumatic situation like an earthquake or a deadly accident. However newer researches show that people with chronic conditions like a chronic medical illness or things like child abuse actually have higher rate of PTSD. The bad news is, coming from my medical background, I know it's something more serious than depression and treatment is far more complicated. The good news is, ironically I've felt more relieved, being able to pin-point what exactly have been keeping me the way I was.

During the therapy session, my therapist told me to write two letters too; one directed to my mother and the other to my father, and the bonus was - I get to use any words and said anything I liked, there is no limit to it. And so I penned down my feelings, first addressing to mother. Instead of worries and stresses that normally I have shown towards her, I found myself feeling so angry at her. And when directed to my father, I started with rage and anger which I had expected but soon burned down to deep pang of bereavement and streams of tears. There I go, despite the anger and disappointment towards my dad, there is this side of me..the daughter side of me who wished I am still daddy's little girl, who wished to be able to share with dad my ups and downs of life.

My therapist had acknowledged the pain I've gone through. She drew my family portrait to show me; My family portrait is consisted of a predator(dad), a victim(mom) and a rescuer(me). The victim is a victim to the predator, but the rescuer is a victim to both the predator and victim. When put it that way in an equation, I could see why I was feeling overwhelmed.

Surprisingly, after two session I seemed much brighter. And I guess, sometimes maybe all a person needs is acknowledgment?

The story of 3 ants

2008-06-16T22:54:00.005+08:00

The first ant came about, trotted off to find a big picnic basket and feasted on it.

The second ant came about, a giant tree fell onto it, squashed and killed it instantly.

Then a third ant came along the path, came over the giant tree thats blocking its way, climbed over it and trotted off to the picnic basket.

-----------------------------------------------------------
The second ant is just at the wrong place on the wrong time. That's life.

And sometimes, that is the only explanation we can have to an unfortunate event that happened in our life, the only answer to, "Why me?". Wrong place, wrong time.

Children

2008-06-02T18:41:00.005+08:00

I think the best way to describe life is that it's like a blank canvas.

When you are born, you're a white canvas, and then your parents sketch and paint your life. A good piece of painting starts with a good foundation, a clean edge and good structure. And that is why it is so important we be good parents. Because it's our children's lifes that we are talking about. How our children turn out, is what we build them to be.

Gloom

2008-05-25T17:50:00.002+08:00

Why is life so painful sometimes?
And since when, the thought of death is more comforting..?

Happiness answered

2008-05-17T21:33:00.005+08:00

"After all, what is happiness?

Love, they tell me. But love doesn't bring and never has brought happiness. On the contrary, it's a constant state of anxiety, a battlefield; it's sleepless nights, asking ourselves all the time if we are doing the right thing. Real love is composed of ecstasy and agony.

Money brings happiness? Fine. In that case, everyone who earns enough to have a high standard of living would be able to stop work. But then they're more troubled than ever, as if they were afraid of losing everything. Money attracts money, that's true. Poverty might bring unhappiness, but money won't necessarily bring happiness.

I spent a lot of my life looking for happiness, now what I want is joy. Joy is like sex - it begins and ends. I want pleasure. I want to be contented, but happiness? I no longer fall into that trap.

When I'm with a group of people and I want to provoke them by asking that most important of questions: 'Are you happy?', they all reply, 'Yes I am'.

Then I ask: 'But don't you want more? Don't you want to keep on growing?' And they all reply: 'Of course.'

Then I say: 'So you're not happy.'."

--The Witch of Portobello.

For mothers

2008-05-11T10:36:00.009+08:00

Today, the shops are stacked with Carnation. I reminded my partner to buy some flowers home when he left my house this morning. I have a reason to silently celebrate and respect his mother although I have not met her yet, for all I know it's her who raise the man I love into one of the most humble and selfless individual I've met.

Then, I thought of my own mother...

Mother, to be honest sometimes I cannot stand your constant nagging and whinging for I am a grown up too, with my own sets of problems to worry about. And quite frankly, sometimes I do blame you for who I've turned out, especially when I see myself as bitter, negative and insecure as you. There are times, I wished I can just run away because I've had enough of the problems between you and dad and thought I do not deserve to be dragged in. From there it gets worse, as sometimes I wished I could just cut the cord, be a lone individual related to no one so that I do not have to be bogged down by other's life situation and problems - this includes yours. I've been secretly blaming you too for the change of dynamic in our family since that incident 7 years ago, especially between the two of us, where I've switched role with you becoming your teacher while you've become my student who I constantly have to look after and worry about. It really is quite exhausting.

It is not until recently that I realized, you are also a victim too, that you are probably as tired as I am. But I know, as tired as you are, at the very least you're selfless as you've always wanted the best for me and that is one thing that makes you a greater person than I am, that is one thing that I still need to learn from you. Not only that, I must say I also have to ask for your forgiveness for I've been very selfish towards you sometimes.

Happy mother's day. And the same goes out to all mothers.

Off-limit

2008-05-10T15:10:00.006+08:00

I have not felt so mad for so long. The point is, every time I get fuming mad, I lose myself and my sensibility as anger looms over me. I feel nothing, nothing but rage and hatred. I am not my usual self as I turn uncontrollable, cruel, scary, cold and overtly bitchy. My usual soft spot, empathy and warmth switch off as I do not fear, I do not reason and I do not sympathize; I simply shut down.

And that's when the people around me come in - those who think that they know me, are now starting to question, who is she?

Not just any other day

2008-05-01T01:40:00.004+08:00

Today is one of those day when I feel...spiritually low and the need to cry a truckload. Not that anything particularly bad has happened, but you know, it's one of those days when you slowed your pace, looked around and started to realize what actually have been going on because on any other normal days, you're just too consumed with keeping up in pace with life that you haven't had time to come in contact with feelings.

Most of the times, days like this only occur when I have a missing piece to my life and I struggle to piece everything back together. The funny thing about tonight is, I actually somehow managed to piece together my life quite effortlessly just to realize that it is not a picture that I have been anticipating. A messy, disorganized, jagged piece.

I laid still in his arms, wearied, teary and blurted, "I do not like who I am. I don't like my life."

I actually gave myself goosebumps saying that.

The line between wrong and right

2008-04-25T11:16:00.006+08:00

This is a part of a song I find so deep in meaning. It tells a story of what lies between wrong and right - which indeed, is a only the width of a thread from a spider's web. It is that thin, and that hard to differentiate but carries such different consequences and is so opposite in meanings. It's kinda like the line between hate and love, good and bad. Let's just say they..co-exist.

If a black man is racist, is it okay?
If it's the white man's racism that made him that way,
Because the bully is the victim they say,
By some sense they're all the same.

Because the line between wrong and right,
Is the width of a thread from a spider's web.
The piano keys are black and white,
But they sound like a million colours in your mind.

I could tell you to go to war,
Or I could march for peace and fighting no more,
How do I know which is right,
And I hope he does when he sends you to fight.

Because the line between wrong and right,
Is the width of a thread from a spider's web,
The piano keys are black and white,
But they sound like a million colours in your mind.

Two sides of a story

2008-04-15T23:07:00.005+08:00

If there is anything my boyfriend should not know, it is the fact that I think relationship limits my life. It is weird how a part of me always wants a stable life while the other side of me cannot wait to break free so that I can let my hair down, go wild and get that adrenaline pumping again. I remember I told him before the relationship started that relationship is like a full time job with extra on-call hours, it's daunting. Now I think my point is validated.

I realized how much I've been missing since my boyfriend left Perth for a business trip. All of a sudden, I feel like I've regained my freedom and my life. I like how I do not need to work my time around his, I like how I do not need to anticipate him coming over...and since when is anticipating him coming over or seeing him has became a burden or a routine that I did not even realize? Then I thought, maybe all these while the anticipation was not due to the fact that I missed him or I wanted to see him, it was most probably a responsible and obligation to a relationship.

And no, it's not because this relationship is a problem. This is not an issue between the two of us, but within myself. You can say that I am bored..with my life. I feel the need to go outside that square and break the routine. I need a life back. I need to get the adrenaline pumping again. I need new things to look forward to.

Having said that, it's also not true that I am not missing him. At the end of the day, I know I still adore this man, and while relationship can be more work than it is fun, there is no one in the world who makes me want to work harder. So yeah...I guess irregardless of the workload, there is no full time job out there that will be more enjoyable than this one, ever.

When the sun is below the horizon

2008-04-09T19:39:00.003+08:00

Sometimes, I find the night so peaceful and calm. It's the only time of the day when I can feel like I am in total control and that nothing can get to me. I feel like I am on highest ground from the balcony of my apartment, looking out on distant moving traffic. Although, tonight I had a random thought - how might daytime look like in the night? I wonder.

I like to slack

2008-03-31T17:45:00.002+08:00

I think I'm just generally a lazy person. I do not necessary sleep a lot, but man I can slack! I can wake up at 8am on Saturday morning and stay in bed until 5pm in that afternoon. Or maybe it's just a phase that we all go through..at some stage we love going out, and at another we just wants to stay all wrapped up in bed.

I usually have 3 classes on Mondays, but I've always planned to skip 2 out of those 3. Usually I'll attend the late afternoon one, but today I had to attend the earliest one due to an assessment. You may think since I'm already in Uni, I will stay. Answer is exactly the opposite, I left uni straight after one class.

My excuse this time: It's a gloomy, wet day - everyone should be in bed. Mmm...AND I have 2 more assignments due so I need to go home and do. What did I end up doing? Well, yes I did my assignment..I spent...30 minutes on them? Then..I slacked in bed as if I was on a holiday. And oh, I also put on a movie and had some popcorns. :)

"You're snoring too much!"

2008-03-29T14:33:00.002+09:00

I am currently suffering from snoring-induced-insomnia, caused by my boyfriend.

I've always liked to have someone to cuddle at night, until recently. There were times when I woke up in the middle of the night, climbed onto him, pinched his cheeks or covered his face with a pillow and yelled, "You're snoring too much!!".

I know it's mean, but as mean as it sounds it was only effective for 2 minutes, and the snoring resumes...

Scenario when soccer season's on...

2008-03-23T19:43:00.004+09:00

Last night's conversation with my boyfriend he said to me, "I won't see you tomorrow night, I've got a big soccer match on. Need to wake up at 2am to watch."

This morning's conversation with him he said, "I'm going to the market to buy some chips and drinks for the soccer game tonight. You want to come with me?"

Noon time conversation with him he said, "Finished lunch..go home do some work, then play soccer, then watch soccer *grins*."

Girlfriend vs Soccer, soccer still wins in the end. Sigh.

------------------------

Updates:

My boy's soccer team won last night, so he is smiling from ear to ear. Hence, this morning's conversation with him he said, "You want to go watch a movie? No soccer for me today so any time will do."

Someone's in a super good mood. And oh, am I worth less than a soccer ball? Gah. Meh.

I've never felt like this before..

2008-03-15T16:25:00.004+09:00

I feel like a housewife today; a suburban, loyal and committed housewife who wakes up at 8am to send off her husband to work, then gets on with her groceries, cleaning, laundry and cooking and awaits for her husband to come home for dinner and to mate with her..Owwhhh yeaahh.

Don't ask me why, perhaps it's gotta do with my age. I just turned 23 last week.

Because I made a difference..

2008-02-26T23:35:00.002+09:00

I had a presentation of my practical experience to my fellow coursemates today. Before the talk, it did not occur to me how much I missed my aged clients in the facility. But when I started to talk, I could not stop...my passion brewed and spilled, I heard a few "Owwhs" and "Awww" from the crowd. At the end of the talk, my lecturer told me that I was glowing with excitement, passion and enthusiasm.

The highlights I gained from this prac is definitely the progress and improvement I saw in some of the residents - how when we walked in the facility the first day we were told how negative a resident was but the day we left, the resident made a record of coming out of his/her room few times a week.

I remember one incident particularly well. I dug out a record player and about 300 copies of records and songs from 1920s and put them in the activity room. That morning I played the record while morning tea was served. Usually, most of them would take off right after morning tea but that particular morning, everyone stayed. What the highlight was that two very isolated, negative and anxious residents joined in when they knew about the record player. And there was a point of time when all of them were singing along to the record in unison, clapping and tapping away...At that scene,I swiftly but quietly moved out of that room and sat down by myself..because I touched beyond words, it was such a heart-warming moment - to the point that even my heart was weak to hold myself upright because it was melting away. It was such a good feeling to know that I've made a difference in someone's life.

One day I overheard them talking amongst themselves that it was so lovely having us there, that we've been so wonderful to them, that we've made a difference. The day I left, some came up to me, held my hand and thank me. Some gave me a hug and a kiss. Some requested me to not leave, to stay. Some sat by themselves and teared.

Before this prac, I would never consider working in an aged care. I was wrong. I would work in an aged care now, simply because I want to make a difference for them when they're going through their last stage of life. I want to make it better for them.

Illusion.

2008-02-24T11:44:00.004+09:00

Quite often you think you know the ones you love well..but truth is, most of the time you don't. Because the ones you think you love most and know well are often those who end up cheating, betraying and lying to you. One day, you look at the person thinking that you know him inside out, that you are beginning to get used to him but the next day this man..suddenly seemed so distant, and hostile and you ask yourself, who is this man? Because I do not know him anymore. He made me love him, trust him and accept him but in turn, he betrayed and lied to me.

My trust and faith is wrecked. Because the men who did this to me, are firstly my father..then my boyfriend. I once told myself, I shall be smart and cautious enough to not let myself go through what my mother went through with her marriage; and that it is ok I came from a broken family so long that I build myself one safe and warm one...but now my hope is shattered, I have failed.

I see a repeat of history. My life 5 years back revisited. The pain resurfaced. The only difference is perhaps that this time, it's even more unbearable.

I've almost given up questioning men, and start questioning life in general because one wise man once told me that one should rather die than be betrayed. There is no deceit in death. It delivers precisely what it has promised. Betrayal, though...betrayal is the willful slaughter of hope.

Singapore

2008-02-19T21:48:00.001+09:00

I have a love-hate relationship with Singapore every time I'm here. Despite the constantly-rushing crowd and the bustling of this city, I still feel calm, warm and fuzzy in the arms of the man I love, and the embrace of my dear friends.

Leaving on a jet plane

2008-02-12T23:09:00.000+09:00

My ears are extra sensitive to the traffic of airplanes flying over my apartments tonight, never have they sounded so prominent before, I guess I never really take note of them until tonight. Because, my baby's flight leaving Perth just took off few minutes ago and I did not send him off.

In fact, I wasn't all that nice to him just before he left - even when he came over with a valentine's gift and a bouquet of flowers.

I wished I could be nicer, and less demanding, and more appreciative.

Lunar New Year

2008-02-06T15:36:00.000+09:00

Tomorrow is the first day of Chinese New Year. It is a tradition that Chinese from over the world to gather home the night before for a family dinner, over a round table, it's one hell of an important dinner for a Chinese family as it signifies the togetherness of the family.

This year, is my first year celebrating Chinese New Year all by myself. Usually, either I am home or my parents will be over Perth with me. And so it's a rather weird experience for me, although I've got plans with my partner and some colleagues for the dinner tonight, it still feels very different. It just doesn't feel complete without the presence of family members.

...I miss home and I know I am missed, too.

I wish everyone a very prosperous and safe new year.

Back to square one

2008-02-02T17:26:00.000+09:00

I've got a brand new dog. New look with new set of attitude.
From the moment I picked her up, I laughed my way home.
Bebe is now a little rat. What do you say if I change her name to "Ratta"? "Bebe" just sounds too odd for her now.

By the way, I think she can be easily mistaken as a cross breed Jack Russell cos seriously, shedding those fur makes her look more agile and hyper. Gulp.

The worse, the better.

2008-02-02T08:59:00.000+09:00

I wonder if it's a normal thing for someone to snoop around his/her ex's profile - which is exactly what I did on a Saturday morning when my biological clock was set to wake me up at the normal weekday's 7.30am. You can say it's probably out of boredom and curiosity, well..curious because I know he was better man when he was with me, so I am curious to find out how bad he's doing now. The worse, the better. And so I did it, on Facebook.

As I clicked through his photos, I began to feel the rage towards him again. It reminded me how much I've despised him, how pathetic he is..and it makes me angrier at the fact that I was so blinded, that I fell for this loser. I tried to understand why I fell for him, because all I can feel towards him now is disgust and...well, more disgust. But what satisfy me was to see how awful he looks now compared to the times I was with him. I'd like to believe that it was my presence that gave him some extra credit. And yes, without me, he just looks like a piece of shit. As a matter of fact, that gives me the thrill. Like I say, the worse, the better.

It occurs to me recently that I don't think I will ever forgive him, he probably doesn't deserve it anyways and I enjoy not having him in my life right now. I can walk straight past him on the street and not even acknowledge him is my biggest success in this life, and God how I love that sensation.

Afterall, he's just a pathetic motherfucker and the biggest dickhead. But you know what's the funniest thing, he always thinks and claims that he's better than most people, when really, in reality he's not even worth your two cents.

Heartbreak.

2008-01-28T16:20:00.000+09:00

I am sure most of us have experienced a heartbreak to a certain extent. A very odd and awful feeling, a tug that makes you feel tight and heavy in your chest followed by some numbness. It almost feels like you've lost your soul, as if someone has thrust something cold into your heart or as if your heart has suddenly dropped 1000 feet.

I guess that's why they call it a heartbreak. Because it feels as if your heart is literally breaking.

A dream come true

2008-01-24T19:51:00.000+09:00

I've never thought I'll ever be lucky enough to meet a good man. Or rather, I never thought a good man still exists. Well, even if yes, what's the probability of me being with one - close to nil. Last night, I looked through the crowd, saw no one but him. I did not hear the loud music and the chatter of the crowd as I continued to stare at him from far. I was drown in that moment when I realized that I am very lucky to have him, a man with a heart of gold and said to myself that I do not want to take things for granted anymore. That moment came to an abrupt end when he tapped me and asked if I am okay. He cares for me so much, do I have a reason not to be ok? I looked at him in the eyes and nodded. I cannot be any better. And if there's any night that I feel my love towards him, it's last night. And it was intense.

So many things have happened over this whole month. When I look back at them, I realize the pain that I've been causing him. My insecurities carried from the past has greatly impacted on the ways I look at things. My decisions nowadays are pure selfish. I put a hole in this relationship, and I have no one else to blame but myself. He could have left if he wanted to, but he was willing to stay and give it another go. At that moment, I realized that this man is my dream come true, my prayers answered. And if I don't start realizing and change my attitude, I truly do not deserve him.

And so now everyday I work towards a change. A change in my own attitude, for him. I want to be someone better because I know he deserves to be treated much better. I have come to love him, and I want to do my best for him.

Grandmother..s.

2008-01-17T21:56:00.000+09:00

I've always wondered if there is such thing as a dream job because a job is a job, will it ever be enjoyable? I must admit since I've started my full-time prac at the nursing home, I wake up every morning looking forward to go work. I'm done with 2 weeks and left with 4 and never can really imagine not having to go there again.

I've always been told that old people are boring, bitter and senile. It's a shame that I kinda believed it until I started my practical there. I can't complain because it feels like all of a sudden I am waking up for 40 lovely grandmas or great-grandmas even. I put behind my personal worries and problems and reality seems just so far away every time when they are around me. Like a wise man, they'll give me advice. Occasionally, they'll force me to play some tune for them on the piano while they hummed and drift away. Some of them are so funny and cheeky that they crack me up. And some are simply oh so sweet.

I...just feel like a very pampered granddaughter amongst them.

That thing about "Sorry".

2008-01-11T21:14:00.000+09:00

There are some guys who are so against saying sorry that you can consider striking lotto when they say it.
And, there are those that who say it so much so that "sorry" almost lost its meaning.

I kinda don't know which is worse now.

Destination

2008-01-03T20:56:00.000+09:00

I have found the joy in driving endlessly without a destination. It's takes your mind off things...at least temporarily. And it makes you feel that you are in control of the speed, the motion, and the direction. And even if you've taken the wrong turn, all you need to do is to take the next u-turn. Why can't life be like that, too.

What have I done!

2007-12-29T01:37:00.000+09:00

I am not sure if it's the side effects from the pills that cause me to be so emotional and unsure or I am actually feeling it - it just occurred to me today that as much as I was looking forward to go back to Perth, I am dreading the feeling of leaving home.

Beginning of the week I was over the moon when I managed to get an earlier flight into Perth, I was missing my partner like crazy; now I am regretting that I chose to leave so early, and am starting to miss my parents and dogs at home more than my partner. I guess, I do feel a bit guilty and disappointed at myself for doing this to my mom. I feel bad that I did not try as hard.

I should have been more thoughtful, the fact that I am not coming back next year, I should have spent more time home this time..with my mom, and my Snoopy. It's true what my mom said, the next time I come back, Snoopy might not be around anymore and so I laid next to him on the floor today and silently hoped that he knows how much I love him..

Maternal clock?

2007-12-25T22:46:00.000+09:00

A week ago I seriously thought I was pregnant because when I was surrounded by toddler and baby cousins almost everyday, I actually thought for a few seconds that I wished one of them was mine. Yes, there were times when I thought to myself that I want a baby(!!). You know what they say about biological maternal clock..I know mine is ticking away because I never used to be able to relate to kids as much as I can now. I simply adore their presence now, the more, the better. I'm not even 23 yet!

Someone please tell me what's wrong with me!

Oh by the way, Merry Christmas. And no, fortunately my Christmas wish this year ain't a baby...yet.

cute bundle of joy

2007-12-19T22:57:00.000+09:00

When I was still in Perth couple of weeks ago, my partner asked for a picture when I was a toddler out of randomness but I did not have one there.

So now that I'm back for holidays, I did a bit of reminiscing flipping through old photo album one night and chuckled my way through..some old memories swamped back, while some I had no recollection at all. When I told him about it, he insisted I sent some over to him because he wants to see. I gave him a sneak peak which I would like to share here too.

These pictures make me want to give myself a big squish! Lol.

Ps: Click image for bigger view, though I may not guarantee you can resist yourself wanting to squish me too.

He, who continues to surprise me.

2007-12-17T19:31:00.000+09:00

On the day I left Perth, my partner decided to take a day off from work to send me off. Considering the fact that he's a workaholic, I thought that gesture was pretty sweet.

He arrived at my doorstep late and told me that he had to meet a client, hope I wouldn't mind if he dropped me off Uni for 30 minutes to sort out my stuff while he quickly go see the client. I couldn't say I didn't mind a bit, in fact I was a bit annoyed that he took longer than he said.

In the car to the airport, I got emotional talking about my dad and tears just wouldn't stop flowing, he tried to calm me down while driving. I finally calmed down when we reached the airport, and realized he chose to park not so close to the terminal. He gave me the key and told me to open the boot because he needed to make a call. For a moment I thought I knew he's got something up his sleeves, yet I didn't reject the possibility that he probably really needed to make a call for work again.

Anyways, I did as I was told - pressed a button on the key remote, the boot popped open and I saw a small white gift bag with a big red ribbon nicely tagged onto my luggage. There, I stood motionless. He got out of the car and said, "That's for my baby..I did not go see no client, I went to pick this up for ya from the jeweler. Open it up.". I opened and saw this beautiful bracelet, he put it on me, I was touched beyond words...

Today I still wear the bracelet and each day I'm loving it more. Ironically, I know it wouldn't be a bracelet that I would pick up if I were to buy one myself; similarly, this man..wouldn't be a man I thought would work out so well. I guess, my judgments were wrong. And I am so glad I gave myself a chance, I am so thankful for him.

Shoe fetish

2007-12-14T22:47:00.000+09:00

Everyone believes that Malaysia is a heaven for shoes shopping. I can't disagree.

Because I went shopping on 2 consecutive afternoons and bought 7 pairs of sexy shoes. You know what's the best still..all of them only cost me a total of AU$140. I remember I bought ONE pair of heel that cost me AU$130 in Perth.

I give myself a limit of 10 pairs. 10 pairs would probably add approximately 3kgs to my luggage back to Australia?

A home of my own

2007-12-13T21:20:00.000+09:00

I walked into that same house that I had always called home for at least good 10 years before I left the country. There's a sense of familiarity, with a few changes. It's now filled with photos - family photos - hung on the wall and on the table top..but somehow, they still fail to fill that sharp void that lingers. It is a weird feeling that I can barely pin words on.

I was talking to a colleague weeks before I head back..about home. Just which is my home because I don't consider myself having one. I had one but I lost it..and the same one that I used to feel so warm and comfortable in, now makes me feel insecure. Superficially, it is still there but when you look deep enough, it's empty..an empty nest.

"I guess then, the only way you can have a home, is to build one yourself.", she said.

Oh, I've already got an ideal one in my mind. And I will build from scratch.

The day before

2007-12-09T13:45:00.000+09:00

I am going back to Malaysia tomorrow.

I am not excited, but flooded with anxiety and dreadfulness to see the state that my parents are in and having to deal with it. I am not looking forward to big family gatherings too - family politics. I think being away from home all these years has turned me into a rather individualistic person. I like to do things at my own pace in my own space.

24 days, that's the duration I'll be away from Perth, my home.
24 days, I counted - that's how long I'll be away from my two babies - my dog, and my man.
24 days, it's not long but it's not short either.
24 days, I'll be counting down every day.

Be good, take good care, because I will be back after 24 days.

Blissful

2007-12-08T07:29:00.001+09:00

A bouquet of flower, a bottle of sparkling wine, and a candlelight dinner.

I am pampered, I am loved. I am blissfully blessed and truly thankful. I have nothing else to ask for.

Thank you.

Yet another weekend..

2007-12-03T00:27:00.000+09:00

Yet another weekend is gone. Every beginning of the week, I'll anxiously await for the arrival of weekends, but sadly weekends always seem to come and go so fast that on every Sunday night, I'll feel sorry for myself. This weekend, was spent rather quietly with those fews who are close to my heart.

I made an effort to spend quality time with few good girlfriends and most importantly rekindled old flame with a close friend who I had not caught up with for more than a year. We used to be so close, but life journeys can very often change or put halt to things. I am just glad that we both decided to make an effort for a catch up this weekend. We found back that old comfort, chatted, gossiped and giggled away like when we used to in year 2003. Suddenly, things just clicked back..it almost felt like we traveled back in time.

Norman has been a sweetheart lately. Because it's my 2nd last weekend here this year, he takes the initiative to spend more time with me, took me out for quiet, romantic dinner and then walk by the river - for the first time in a relationship, I feel like I lead a life of those in movies. The guy dressed up formally in his suit, picked me up and we went to a fancy restaurant. And the night before, he actually picked a dress for me..one that he likes to see me in. The next day, he packed up his mom's home-cooked food for me - just because he knows I love Malay cuisine. Then, he made plans for me for next weekend. I am treated like a woman, pampered like a princess. As I am typing out this, I truly feel like the luckiest girl on this planet..and no, I am not dreaming... and if there's any day I feel like I am in love with him, it is tonight. I know I have fallen in love with him when I have a new paranoia, a fear that I'll ever lose this man. Yes, finally I have come to realization that I am in love, madly in love again.

This week will be my last week here before I fly back to Malaysia. I won't be back until 2008. I had called up few more close friends who I haven't seen for a long-due catch ups. Because 2007 is coming to an end, I have this weird need to meet up with them and do meaningful things with the close ones before the year wraps up.

Wrapping up for yet another year

2007-11-28T20:03:00.000+09:00

33 days to 2008, it's the time of the year to wrap up 2007 and welcome a brand new year. I remember last year this time, I was going through reconciliation, picking things up from life. I read back my previous entries, picked up some significant lines and pasted below.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------

Nov 10, 2006
Saying goodbye isn’t necessary a bad thing. You never know the next person entering your life, may be your lucky star.

Nov 28, 2007
I felt warm and fuzzy just then when I read back that post. I was indeed right, who would have thought that next person who entered my life is my colleague, someone I would not have gotten to know if I were not going through a bad breakup with my ex, and most importantly..this one, is my lucky star! He may not be the most romantic partner or may not be one of those guys who shower the girl with tons of attention and love, but he is one guy who has much respect for me. He makes me feel like a real lady, he accepts me for who I am, he compromises, he shares, he cares, he listens to my insecurities and tells me it is ok, he laughs at my silliness, I am truly thankful for him. I don't need flowers or chocolates, I want to be contented with this man. And most importantly I want to make it work, I want to love him.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------

Dec 13, 2006
I've survived a dark past, ran away from it and start a brand-new me with a blank canvas to work on.

Nov 28, 2007
And I want the whole world to know now that that brand-new canvas is painted with the most vibrant colours. I have learnt and achieved a lot this year, I form new friendships, I adopt a dog, I explore my interests, I do meaningful things. No doubt, there were still some bumpy patches along the way with my family issue, but I would like to believe that it has happened for a reason too. If there's anything I would like to change about 2006, it would be nothing. Because, if it's not for the bad things that happened in 2006, I wouldn't have picked up what I did this year. I am still not talking to my ex, not because I hate him, it's just I've filtered him out completely and I do not think there's any point turning back as I've chosen to drop the past, and weed the insignificant out. I have no regrets for how I managed my past, and I will never have. Today, I stand strong who I am, and stand proud for what I have achieved for the past 22 years of my life.

2007 is ending with a bang!

Woooo

2007-11-25T06:08:00.000+09:00

This is my first post-exam weekend and I am having a blast!

Friday night it was my first time smashed completely by alcohol, at least 8 shots of God-knows-what-drink I was as red as lobster, and spewed my guts out. It was also my first time drink driving, and I am not proud of it.

Saturday night it was my first time whipping up a dinner for my partner - Fettucine carbonara and spinach pine nut salad - turned out, he absolutely loved it! We then hit two clubs, one for my friend's birthday and then we moved on dancing until my legs gave way in Metro's - the biggest club in southern atmosphere! I couldn't escape alcohol again, but it wasn't much this time.

Sunday night, tonight - another colleague's birthday. Thankfully, it will just be a decent dinner with no alcohol.

Whatever happens to my ideal holiday of nothingness with truckloads of sleep? Yawns, I think I am getting less sleep than exam period.

Let's talk about boys - part I

2007-11-23T06:36:00.000+09:00

My previous boyfriend is fickle-minded and ignorant, my current one is amnesic and demented!

The after-exam-stress

2007-11-20T12:28:00.000+09:00

It's funny how much I anticipated exams to be over yet when the time comes, I don't feel that great after all. My ideal after-exam days is to be able to sleep in and just enjoy the...nothingness, don't have to rush, cook some good food, rent some good movie and sit home to watch.

But no, that's now down the drain.

I am actually stressed up with the upcoming events this whole week, my entire week is jam packed! I was not only just called in to work, I have a company road show to go to, I have appointments, I have training, and I have at least two events to go to each day starting from Friday night onwards. And Sunday, I have three. It's all about rush, rush and rush. So, I am sitting down trying to juggle stuffs around my time..still I cannot fit everything in. And what's worse, I don't even have time to shop for nice dresses. 6 events on the weekends which all require nice clothes, I have 1 dress in mind..

Ah..I hope next week can be more relaxing. I need my "me" time.

The joy of giving

2007-11-18T01:08:00.000+09:00

The joy of giving was what I used to experience very often during teenage years. People say, you get more and more bitter as you experienced life, which is true. I had completely forgotten about the joy of giving, and helping which I experienced a lot earlier on in life..I guess, I have gotten bitter in a sense..and I started to stop giving because sometimes, I just do not see why I should help anymore. Yes, I am not denying it, I have became more and more self-centered.

Earlier on during the week, I received a call for help. In that split second, I agreed to help. But, as I was walking to my car, I actually felt a pang of regret. I started to give myself reasons why I should not have agreed but decided to go on with it anyway. And, I was glad I did. Because after the good deed, I remembered the type of joy I received when I used to give out so much more. Really, it is not what you would get in return that really matters..because it is just a completely separate matter - what you receive in return (good or bad), and what you give out. Because, when I gave out, the joy that I experienced is beyond words. I felt happiness, kindness, and peace within myself because I know irregardless of what I will get in return from the person, I have already been rewarded with this magical feeling.

It feels good to know that you have made someone else's life/day better. It really does.

Outrageous!

2007-11-12T10:00:00.000+09:00

I am in a bitchy mode now. Seriously, some individual..and I am talking about above average individuals in terms of cognition..can be so oblivious. Postgraduate Study Room is obviously a room for postgrads students who are 100x more stressed out to study in but for some reason those inconsiderate undergrads kiddies will walk into the room as if they're supposed to be in here. Problem lies on the fact that they're not here to shut up and study, they walk in with big Gucci bags and fancy outfits, sit down and talk like they're the only ones in the room...totally ignoring the fact that the stressed up haggard postgrads students, dressed in tracksuit and glasses, are all close to pulling their hair out..need a bit of silence to be able to fucking concentrate.

And oblivious drivers who totally ignore the disabled parking sign. Irregardless what time it is in the day, a disabled parking space is for disabled people with ACROD parking cards only. They are there for a reason, for God's sake! Be more sensitive people!

And- double lines are there for a reason too - it clearly means you cannot turn there due to the flow of the traffic on that road but some fucking ignorant drivers will indicate their signals and attempt to turn into a junction across that road, hence resulting a traffic chaos behind! If you're in Perth, try driving on the fast last on Scarborough Beach road, Albany Highway and Canning Highway..you'll find yourselves changing line every 5 minutes because of those idiots who attempt a turn on double line! And the ironic thing when you strike a quick look at the drivers, half of them are men in business suit!

Argh. It's the exam stress getting to me, and the 40 degree weather certainly does not help.

How much doubt is normal?

2007-11-09T17:20:00.000+09:00

One reason why I think I am not ready yet for a relationship is due to my level of doubt in a person. Honestly, I do not trust easily. I am a very insecure person. I doubt a person if he's too sweet and sincere, I also doubt a person when he's too cold and distant. Recent years, I think this problem has gotten way worse due to the incident with my father, and my ex. My father cheats on my mother, and me - twice; my ex did not in that sense, but his personality is very questionable. So, not only I do not trust a guy in a sense that he will not cheat, I do not believe that they will love the same person long enough, that divorce is bound to take place..so I do not believe that eternal love exist. I live in a world where nothing is permanent, which may be true in a sense, but...not when I constantly think very close in the future, I am bound to lose what I gain. I doubt this entire mankind, I doubt the existence of mankind, I doubt this world, I doubt the existence of perfection because say even if eternal and true love exists, something else will for sure kick in - death, disabilities, sickness. And I don't see how this is not affecting my outlook on life.

A year of breather without a partner, I gained my sense of self back..I do not have a chance to doubt until I start dating. I want to believe that it is my problem, and I have to find a way to work it out. However, sometimes I thought, am I not ready for a relationship because I have issues to work out myself, or trust...is just something that both person in a relationship should contribute to..a reciprocal process? Having said that, I still think I have got issues to work on - Just exactly how much doubt..is normal? I need to see a counsellor.

The verdict

2007-11-06T22:31:00.001+09:00

Talk about patience, I think I have the least. I couldn't even sit still and think straight the whole day. I was obsessed with going through it in my mind, and I thought there's no way I'll be able to concentrate on my studies with all the thoughts of him darting through my mind. Talked to a few friends and came up with a decision that, I am taking a dive, a leap of faith..tonight. So, I called him out for coffee at 8.30pm, but after some thoughts, I hopped into his car and said let's take away drinks and go to our usual dating park. The wait for 8.30pm to come was agonizing, I was prancing around the house restlessly. I was jittery, anxious and nervous.

Turned out, it wasn't as scary as I thought it would turn out to be because I managed to pop the question in a rather casual way when he was holding me in his arm.

Me:
Hey, what if I've fallen for you?
Him:
I'd say that's good, I'm happy to know that..
Me:
Seriously???
Him:
Yeah.
Me:
Where are we going with this?
Him:
Well..I have fallen for you too. Where do you want it to go?
Me:
As long as we're working towards something..I mean, I don't think both of us are ready for a relationship now..
Him:
I am ready for a relationship. And we are working towards something.
Me:
0.O But, you said you were not last time!
Him:
Did I say that? When? Well, we'll just go where fate takes us to.
--------------------------------------------------------

So there, you have your verdict within a day, haha! Now at least I know, there's a chance that we'll be taking this further ahead. Reason why I did not want to jump into wanting a relationship when he said he was ready was because, I need to suss out if I am really ready for one, and I want to make sure that this one that I am in, is a serious one that lasts because I like him so much that I want to make sure that it works.

Verdict soon!

2007-11-06T09:02:00.000+09:00

Me:
Hey..I'm gonna say something that might scare you away ok?
Him:
What's that?
Me:
If you continue to be this nice to me..I'm afraid I won't be able resist you anymore.
Him:
Owh, that's nice to know.
Me:
So have I scared you away yet?
Him:
No cos I already can't resist you.
Me:
0.O
-------------------------------------------------------------

I'm not staying sane any longer. Because this fella is constantly sending a mix signal. By the conversation above, you would think it would have taken us to the next level but it did not because just moments before that he said he cares for me as a friend (?!???!).

As much as I am enjoying the dates, liking the attention, I know this uncertainty has to end soon. Truth is, I have fallen for this man. And I will continue to fall deeper and deeper and get myself hurt if/when I find out in the future that he does not feel the same way. I have to find out soon, because at least if it's to end now..I don't feel absolutely lost, though I know I will probably feel depressed for a few days. I woke up this morning with a plan, I am gonna have to sort this out with him latest when my exams finish but now I am not even sure if I can wait until then. I mean, I don't think I am rushing into things now, am I? - After 2 months of casual dating?

So, the verdict? I'll update you either on the next few days (if I run out of patience) or in 2 week's time. So, stay tuned!

-------------------------------------------------------------
Goddamn, this is like a reality dating show!...

Muay Thai Kickboxing

2007-11-04T02:43:00.000+09:00

2.47am. I just got home from my kickboxing date, and absolutely pooped but I insist to pen down everything before I start missing out pieces of details.

The boxing bit was very interesting. It was quite entertaining to see guys fight, and girls fight. It's just that the girls boxing were like lesbians wrestling in mud, if you get what I mean. Some of the male boxers portrayed a very psychotic, freaky personality that I don't think I would choose to associate with in reality. It is Muay Thai boxing we saw, so they had their own little Thai rituals every rounds, they had Thai traditional dance during the break, and yes they had the usual sweaty scene, bloody nose and forehead cut you see in boxing movies. I was already exhausted by the time I got there because of the 4 hours sleep I had the night before but the atmosphere of the place kept me hooked.

Surprisingly, the place was jam packed..and it is a very different experience having to sit and watch live boxing, hear the rowdy supporters roar, swear, stomp and whistle, and see the man I am dating getting so sucked into it, got so excited, and roared and cheered with the other supporters. It was rather scary to see my soft-spoken, gentleman date turned into someone so loud and out there. It's at that moment that I realize, I am dating a man this time. Lol. But the good side is, this man who roared and cheered like a rowdy English soccer fan had his soft side..occasionally would turn to me and ask if I am ok, if I am bored, if I am tired, if I am hungry, if I need a drink or explain certain things to me, or simply tab me on my hand and tell me it's the last round (Finally! After 5 hours - Yes the boxing went on from 7.30pm to 12.30am!) and he knew I was really exhausted, gave me little squeezes on my hand and reassured me that he will come to a ballet with me next time to make it up. Haha. I think that is such a cute gesture.

Counting my blessing

2007-11-01T10:55:00.000+09:00

As much as I hate to admit, recently it has came to me that:

You = my prayers answered.

I'd hate to lose you.
-------------------------

Him:
So..are you up to seeing boxing this Saturday?
Me:
Hmm?
Him:
I'm gonna watch a boxing tournament, do you want to come?
Me:
Mmm..yeah why not. Who are we going with?
Him:
Just me.
Me:
Huh, so you were gonna watch alone initially, if you didn't ask me??
Him:
What's wrong with that? I went alone for the past years...never asked any of my exes. It's one of those things that I don't want to get distracted or disturbed you know. But, I wouldn't mind you.
Me:
[A bit surprised; touched; teasingly] ..Are you sure?!
Him:
Yeah, and I guess I can make it up to you by going to see ballet or orchestra with you next time. I'll just make sure I bring my pillow.
Me:
[More touched]...*melted*
-------------------------

Isn't that so sweet. I have never went out with someone who is so willing to share and to compromise with me. I officially do not know how to resist this man anymore, officially.

Straight hair accomplished

2007-10-27T03:17:00.000+08:00

Self explanatory title.
I cheered silently in my heart as I starred at my hairdresser snipped off my curls.

Snip, snip, snip; yay, hooray, yay.

And, voila! The curls and brittle ends were finally gotten rid of. Long-live straight, healthy hair!

Ok, I am a bit tipsy now after...5 shots and some hot smooches. Oh, adrenaline.

A little update on temptation.

2007-10-21T11:08:00.000+08:00

I succumbed to temptation and asked my date out for last night. You know what they say about guys preferring girls who play hard to get? So I kinda felt desperate when I actually asked him recently because he used to be more excited than me. Bahh..then I kinda comforted myself that this shall be the last time I ask him. If he does not ask for the next couple of weeks, then it shall be it..if he does, I'll gladly take his offer. After all, this date started with no direction and no expectation at all. I thought it would be surprised that I could pull it off for just that first night, let alone all these amount of time.

It's been almost 8 weeks I've been dating the same man and judging the things we do together, still we prefer to call it casual, no strings attached. To some people it's very weird and unacceptable, to some people this is called "Friends with benefit" while to some, it's called taking it slow. But oh my, I gotta admit it's gotta be the best choice I've ever made in my relationships despite it being hanging in mid air without much direction ..I guess that's the fun of it, that endless journey of mystery, fascination and surprises. And the best part - no arguments, no expectations, nothing bad literally!

So last night, my idea was to hit a restaurant in Freo and go see my friend sing in a pub. Turned out, it was one of the best night. We had good food, sipped some drinks, enjoyed the loud crowd, danced to the music and went back to Perth for a little.."us" time before we called it a night.

Problem is, when all things are so perfect now, if and when dating this man comes to an end..I know I'll miss his company a lot. And I know that that day will come.

Multiple sclerosis camp

2007-10-18T13:25:00.000+08:00

It's been a week since I came back from MS camp which I went to. I spent 3 nights and 4 nights with 15 kids, aged from 10-13. They all have something in common - either of their parent have multiple sclerosis, they are young carers. This camp served as a respite for them. Before I went I dreaded it, when I was there I enjoyed myself and when it's time for goodbye, I had tears in my eyes. It's not just an experience, a learning experience and a getaway for the kids..they have touched me with their courage and have taught me in so many ways. I opened my mail this morning to a little surprise that put tears in my eyes..

Camp Poem

By Nina Wallace

The MS kids camp was run at Bickley this year
Forecast fine weather, showers to clear
However buckets of rain poured down every day
If it wasn’t for the leaders most wouldn’t stay
These four great people; Mitchel, Lisa, Shaun and Halle
Were lots of fun and ran activities daily

Mitchel was loved by everyone
She played all games and was heaps of fun
Apparently she sings so well
Please perform for us Mitchel

Thank you Lisa for your hard work and planning
You have been so thoughtful and understanding
Monkeys couldn’t beat you on the low ropes course
You completed the elements with learned force

Shaun is witty and in himself entertaining
He is funny and done sports science training
He’s got an endless supply of games in his head
Centipedes don’t scare him when he goes to bed

Halle’s the artistic one in the crew
She had something creative for us to do
That ‘something’ was to decorate a mask
Which I found to be an enjoyable task

So thank you so much for coming on the camp
We all had fund despite it being so damp
Good luck with your future careers
Now give our four leaders four big cheers!

-------------------------------------------

I missed them.

NB: Names mentioned in the poem have been modified slightly for privacy purposes. Author's name however is kept original.

Home

2007-10-16T20:18:00.000+08:00

A friend's msn nickname reads:
"Home sweet home. This is a place to find happiness. If one doesn't find it here, one won't find it anywhere."

I do get more and more anxious as the day to go home approaches. The notion of home is always so sweet, warm and secured and sometimes, I want to drift with that notion. Recent years, I never consider myself having a home which I just go back to, drop my suit cases and indulge myself in warmth and love. There are times when I feel stressed and insecure alone in a foreign country, but sometimes it's harsh to admit that I'd rather be left alone by myself than having to deal with my family problem.

I was just telling my date last week, that I want to have a home to go back to. A proper home, one that fills with love and laughter because that is exactly what I need after a long tiring journey away from home. But ironically, at the same time, I do not consider myself having that luxury now - the home luxury..

You are not your mind.

2007-10-07T00:00:00.000+08:00

I've always known that sometimes I tend to think too much, but I've never really identified it as a real problem. Recently I am reading a book, called - The Power of Now.

"Thinking can become a disease. Disease happens when things get out of balance......The mind is a superb instrument if used rightly. Used wrongly, however, it becomes very destructive. To put it more accurately, it is not so much that you use your mind wrongly - you usually don't use it at all. It uses you. This is the disease. You believe that you are your mind. This is the delusion. The instrument has taken over you."

True enough. Sometimes, I've become obsessive with thinking. When thinking starts, I find that it's so difficult to stop. Sometimes the reality isn't all that bad, but because I'm constantly thinking about it over and over again and every time I think, new thoughts pop up..new assumptions kick in and eventually they overpower my senses and logic and take over the reality - turn a good reality to a bad one instead.

It's that cycle..

2007-10-04T16:10:00.000+08:00

Very often, I forget where there's a start, there will be an end.

In this very moment, a new life is born, another may have ended; one couple walks down the aisle, another files for divorce; two people fall in love with each other, another two fall out of love; one finds new hope to life, another decides that death is more comforting than life.

One thing I do know - the start usually brings laughters and joy, while the end brings tears and heartbreaks. Or perhaps it's just a vicious cycle, if there's no laughters in the beginning, there won't be tears in the end; and if one never experience pain, how does one know the meaning to joy?

And perhaps the only thing to life, is to embrace when there's a start and let go when there's the end. I guess, then..if only letting go is as easy as embracing.

To date or to not date

2007-10-01T02:17:00.000+08:00

It's been a month since I dated this guy and to be honest I went out with him for first date without expectation at all. My clue was to be as brief as possible and I did not expect it to go on for more than two weeks. He is one of my most attractive colleague but I've always doubted his personalities, I guess I've been wrong.

Every time we went out we seemed to enjoy ourselves a lot. Last night was no exception and to be quite honest, he nearly swept me off the ground. We had nice dinner, we went for few drinks in busy bars and we went for a good one hour quiet chill out by the river. The best conversation is when you're connecting, you're enjoying each other's presence without much conversation. That empty stare into darkness and that serenity that wrapped around us while we take comfort in each other's arms. We made silly comments randomly, we laughed at each other, we do things that couples do. Part of me felt like our actions have crossed the definition of dating, yet I know we both are not ready for commitment but I felt like I need some clarification still.

So today, I gathered my guts to clarify things with him. We are not going to pursue any relationship at the moment but we both agree that we're enjoying each other's company a lot. He said he didn't want this to end because he's loving it. He reasoned with me why he did not think it's time yet to take things any further while he listened to my side of story. Both of us agreed that we still have our own issues to deal with from our past relationships. Come to think of it, I may never dared to admit that as much as I wish to have a stable relationship, I am as scared to commit. My past relationship has taught me some good lesson, to be wise, to take things slow and still embrace the moments. And I guess as much as I hate to admit it, I am still scarred. And so secretly, I do not have any complaints now because though these are just only dates but compared to my 7 months relationship with my ex, these dates are just simply magical. I guess what I am trying to say is the respect I gain from this guy on just 4 dates have surpassed the respect that I deserved in my past relationship.

He also said he should probably to let me know how much he likes my company, how he likes he can talk to me about anything... ...and me, I told him how he's got the best shoulder to lay on and a heart of gold :)

It's one of those days.

2007-09-25T23:54:00.000+08:00

I am in a pissy mode now.

I sat in front of the computer whole day studying non stop and still didn't know all.
I have a test tomorrow which is worth 25%.
I still have to work tomorrow after test.
I just realized I have to renew my passport otherwise I won't be able to fly.
I have 3 major assignments undone and due soon.
I have a camp which I am NOT looking forward too and have yet to followed up.
I checked my bank account and realized I am broke.
I still haven't paid rent.
I talked to mom and had to deal with the fact that she didn't sound happy and my family is in a crisis.

And so, I am afraid to look forward to my future.
I have so much to do, so little time, so unmotivated and so troubled to face the world.
I have too much on my plate now.

So there.
I've got money problem, family problem, stacks of responsibilities on shoulder, lack of support and uni stress. Just exactly what crisis am I in? I can't even word them anymore.
I am feeling blue, edgy, helpless, and angry at everything.

Bad stuffs aside...

2007-09-20T17:15:00.000+08:00

Tonight I am going to see Alice wonderland ballet. I've always loved those 80's watercolour cartoons like Dalmation, Sleeping Beauty and Alice Wonderland. There is just a twist of simplicity in those cartoons that I simply adore and there's nothing more magical than reliving my childhood.

Tomorrow night I am going for an expensive birthday dinner at the Casino resort. It's been a while since I gather in a group with my ex/colleagues. Though I am dreading some bound-to-happen dramas, I am going with an open mind and good look to boost my group confidence. My plan is to wear a plunging neckline top with short, fishnet stockings and boots.

And Saturday night is my weekly date. I never know what to expect and each time there's new surprises. Many has asked if this is official, no it is not. We are still very casual but we do enjoy each other's company. I want to take things slow and not rush into things just to realize it is a mistake. And not until recently I started dating, I realize I am still recovering from the shock from my past relationship, my vision is blurred by my ex and it takes time to realize what I was accused for wasn't necessary wrong..in another words, a new insight to myself, and relationship is what I am learning now from my date. This guy doesn't come close to my dream guy, but I am very thankful that at least he respects me and I am heard much more than when I was with my ex, and no one knows how much this means to me. As what he said to me recently, it is not the results/outcome that is important, it is the process - that we're learning from each other and we're having fun. Well, I say we shall see where the wind brings us. :)

Have a good weekend!

Whirlwind

2007-09-16T17:01:00.000+08:00

For some reason I dread Sundays more than Mondays now, probably I know Sundays lead to Mondays in no time. Saturday nights are my happiest moment in the week, either I stay home retreating or I am out for a blast.

This whole week has been a whirlwind of emotions for me. I've cried, laughed, mourned, felt betrayed, felt disappointed, been touched by some souls, felt inspired, felt rush of adrenaline, drank and spewed. I came from very low to very high, plonked back to rock bottom and climbed up to cloud 9 in no time.

I reached out, a lot. I talked to my colleagues and ex-colleagues, I talked to my coursemates, I talked to my close friends and I was surprised by how much support I got in return. I let loose, I cried a bucket on phone with one and a bucket with another and came to realize how much some friends are behind my back. I also allocated a time to just go out, not talk or think about anything negative but bringing on the fun, be carefree, silly and mischievous.

Oh, this certainly includes going out for my weekly date. What separated us during dinner time is just a table in between with a lot of crossover flirty and cheeky conversations and loads of good food..and...well, some occasional bear hugs and naughty teases.

band aid

2007-09-13T22:54:00.000+08:00

"Sometimes reality has a way of sneaking up and biting us in the ass. And when the dam bursts, all you can do is swim. The world of pretend is a cage, not a cocoon. We can only lie to ourselves for so long. We are tired, we are scared, denying it doesn't change the truth. Sooner or later we have to put aside our denial and face the world.

Pain, you just have to ride it out, hope it goes away on its own, hope the wound that caused it heals. There are no solutions, no easy answers, you just breath deep and wait for it to subside. Most of the time pain can be managed but sometimes the pain gets you where you least expect it. Hits way below the belt and doesn't let up. Pain, you just have to fight through, because the truth is you can't outrun it and life always makes more."

I am crushed.

2007-09-11T11:22:00.000+08:00

I woke up at 2am last night, and could not fall back to sleep. My head was pounding, heart was racing, muscles aching. I replayed events from the day and decided I needed to cry, but no tears came out..starred at the ceiling until 7am in the morning and decided I could not make it to classes. If no one can cut me some slack, at least I can cut myself some slack.

This is what happened in the day..

I got a phone call from mom at work, sobbing profusely as if she's lost her track, confirming me about my dad's secret affair. Yea, not another one. I felt disappointed, yet I knew this is bound to happen again, one day. I told myself to be strong and gave mom some pieces of advice but I realized I was going to break down. All of a sudden, the small problems that have been bothering me crept up to me - financial, studies, work, family...my thoughts dart around those problems, they seemed to be magnified.

After work I dragged myself to gym, have a full 1 hour pump and loosen my mind. But, my Saturday night date came to see me there just to inform me how unhappy some of our friends are about the whole thing. One of them, who apparently have been having feelings for him, called him out for a drink the next day to talk about it. Though I looked ok when he told me that but I actually felt crushed that moment. Not because I feel so strongly about him that I should be feeling this bad right now...but I do not understand why nothing in my life that I hope to turn out good, at least for once, never do. Or what's supposed to be something fun, someone who I can just go out without having to think of any trouble in my life has became a part of the trouble now? Although he asked me out again this weekend, I've wilted away and don't feel 100% with this idea anymore.

I went home, stood under the hot shower for 30 minutes. I was tired and so sick of my life that I threw up for no reason. I was angry with those sluts out there who budged into people's marriage; and I was also so angry at that friend who made such a big deal of my date. I thought, if they're decent enough people and friend, they would not have destroy a family, she would be happy for our date and leave me alone.

Every year..there's bound to be some major drama in my life that sucked my life out of me. I actually have a feeling that I am dying inside, slowly. My emotional and mental resistance on problems in life and my motivation in general is degenerating. Though I am physically present but some times I honestly cannot find my inner self and peace anymore....

Hey God, hey people..you know what, I am just only human.

Surprise! Surprise!

2007-09-09T15:50:00.000+08:00

I often get swept away by how some things turn out, especially when the date which I never thought would work out so smoothly turned out to be a perfect night that sent butterflies fluttering in my tummy and when the one which I thought would work out ended up being canceled, by me, simply because I ended up feeling really fed up with that guy for a really solid reason - though he was my type, but he has no balls, hence there's no point.

On the lighter note, at least the one that I didn't expect to turn out good made my day. I used to think he wasn't my type, but now I think I could have been more open-minded. We experienced some adrenaline rush when we were caught in the spot by people who we planned to hide this date from. So, we ended up confessing to the whole group, a few were dumbfounded, a few were more excited about it than me and him though we made a point that it was just a casual date, nothing particularly special.

Main point is, he said he had a great night too and said to do another one soon.
We shall see =).

The art of dating

2007-09-07T22:24:00.000+08:00

This weekend is going to be slightly more different than the usual sleep-ins or coffee chill outs or group dinners. I've been asked out for a date and ask another out for a date on each of the days. With two very delicious guys. Two very different dates in terms of atmosphere and venue, two completely different guys in terms of personalities.

I hope at least one will turn out good though it does not necessary have to be something promising.

Ah, I am beginning to experience the joy of being single. I feel lucky, well, not the kind of luck or happiness when one is deeply and madly in love; but the kind of excitement when one gets the attention of two cute guys.

cheaters

2007-09-06T21:47:00.000+08:00

Once a cheater, always a cheater.

I live by this rule based on my personal experience and my own opinion. Most of the times we hang around in a wilting relationship purely because we hope things will be better tomorrow; or our partner who is not behaving like how we wish they will, will change eventually. But when I really sit back and think about it, it does not make it to try to change a grown man. What and who the person present to me is the baseline of his/her personality and it is not going to shift significantly.

I can understand how, most of the times we give a second chance to our partner who cheat, because we hope that one day they will change. But in reality, we missed out the very painful fact that if, at this stage of a relationship things do not work now and one cheats, what makes you think that s/he will love you more after 10 years into the relationship or things will pick up to form a fairy tale ending that lasts the rest of your life?

Truth is, my friend, this is very unlikely. Walk away, move on. Because the scary part of giving another chance to a man who breaks your heart so badly, is that he will once again disappoint you..and by then even if you realize it, it may be too hard to walk out. You will just end up torn and tattered.

Human

2007-08-21T23:24:00.000+08:00

The only thing all human have in common is that we're all different.
That's what makes us who we are.
That's what defines us.

When the best is not enough

2007-08-04T13:29:00.000+08:00

Have you ever felt that sometimes, the best you can offer is not even enough, that you wished you can do more?

I often feel sorry for a dear soul who holds a very special place in my heart because I am constantly not by its side, and constantly missed out moments from its life. I know I could have done so much better, offered so much more but my environment is binding me to my limits. I know what I've been offering is not the best and I am very sorry that I don't know what to do when I see you in so much pain sometimes, I am sorry I did not seek out the best for you because of my capability now. I always feel that I owe you so much and I do not have a chance to offer you a better life...and I always pray that when your gone some time down the track, you'll come back to me in your next life in future so that I can give you all that I have.

Stormy night

2007-07-30T22:42:00.000+08:00

Stormy weather makes me feel good, it's weird.

One friend who originates from family that has some sort of strong psychic background once told me that there's an element in each of us..of which, the weather might come about bringing out the best of us. He believes that he's a snow person, he finds inner peace in a vast snow-land while his mom was perhaps a storm person who finds stormy days particularly calming.

Since then, I've came to realized I am quite a stormy weather person. I like to be alone on rainy days and am not very fond of socializing or any outdoor activities. I find the trickle of rain, gust of winds and occasional distant thunder roar particularly comforting. I like to stay home rugged up on a cold stormy night with my heater running, soothing scented candle lighted while I indulge in a cup of good hot tea, and my favourite tv show.

Its a type of feeling that I'll never get to experience on normal days.

oh no

2007-07-22T21:02:00.000+08:00

My uni break is ending in 3 hours time, what a sucky feeling. This whole weekend was dedicated to having fun and it's one of my most productive weekend in terms of the varieties of things I did - watch a blardy funny play, drove 40 minutes to Freo to watch my friend in a live band and boogie with my coursemates, watch a colleague in a tournament; hung out with different group of friends and encountered different things like watching a fight in the club and nearly got myself hit by a car. Haha.

It's my last weekend stressed-free so I thought I should just make full use of it.

Tomorrow I need to get my act together again. Boo.

Oh, divine!

2007-07-15T00:09:00.000+08:00

I have not felt so relieved, so stress-free for so long and I am enjoying every minute of it now!

I am not over-working myself with my job too this holiday, I sleep whenever I wish too, I go out if I feel like it, I catch up with friends who I haven't met for long, I go for random breakfast date with friends, I even help a coursemate to paint her house! Or when I feel like staying home, I simply stay in bed with Bebe til 5pm watching series, cook dinner and continue watching until I fall asleep again. I haven't felt so satisfied with an easy and simple life for a while now.

Oh, in the progress of searching for happiness in life I've learnt - it is not the alcohol, not lust, not parties, not your lovers, not academic, not money but the smallest, simplest and easiest thing in life that actually brings out the best of us. The key is to love your life and follow your heart, then automatically contentment and happiness will be just around the corner.

=) smile of contentment and satisfaction.

Confetti and champagne

2007-07-11T15:55:00.001+08:00

Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls - Anatomy no more!!
By no more, I mean I passed this unit, on the dot and so it's out of my life entirely. You have no idea how good it felt to finally be able to get over it. It's like this dreadful disease that's been making my life so dreadful and difficult and now I've won the battle.

I was very positive that I would fail because I actually needed 62% in the final exam to pass this unit and you know what, I got 62%! My final marks is standing at 50 on the dot - just passed. But who cares, as long as it's over. I was ecstatic and had to pinch myself several times to feel the trueness. I cheered over MSN and over the phone - long distance or local calls to family and friends. My holiday has finally started with no more burden over my shoulder.

I've cried for anatomy, prayed for anatomy, sacrificed sleep and fun for anatomy. Everyone around me felt the effects of it, heard my constant nagging on it now they can finally have a break too from anatomy. I never thought I would pass, I did not put away my anatomy books and notes, I made study plans for anatomy subpaper, so sure that I can't make it through. I even told my colleague that I don't believe in miracle unless I pass this unit - then I would turn into a girl who believes in fairy, angel, and miracle and would make an effort to go to church or temple weekly. Well...., I passed. And so I am going to church alone this Sunday, for good return, for thankfulness, for faith and grace.

And oh, most importantly.....I've learnt that miracles do happen. :)

Death

2007-07-09T14:19:00.000+08:00

Few days ago my mom was sobbing on the phone over a friend who just passed away from an incurable disease. I was dumbfounded. Things just happened too fast, only about a month ago my mom told me about the friend's lung cancer. I happen to know that aunty too - soft spoken, caring, doesn't smoke nor drink..yet, she passed away at the age of 47, leaving two teenagers behind. I remember the last time I saw her, she was still like anyone around us - perfectly happy and healthy.

Since the news was passed on to me, I have this agonizing feeling brewing inside me. I'm not sure why I am quite bothered by it, maybe it's one of those incidents to remind me how transient and unexpected life can be. I repeatedly thought of her kids and husband too, as to what I learnt from my OT course - how losing a member of the family can impact and change the routine and role of the entire family keeps repeating in my mind. It's perhaps also a wake up call for me - that my parents are getting old, my grandparents are getting old, I've missed out so much with them these 5 years overseas, and I wished to reunite and live with them again. Maybe the old saying, family should always be together, is indeed very true. I'm finally understanding it and I'm missing home so damn much now.

Maybe it's also because of my age, stepping out of my teens year, out of my happy ignorant bubble I've come to truly understand how short life can be. Suddenly I thought, if I live up to 47 years old only, which means I have only 25 more years to live. I know it's silly to think like this, but let's face it, it's not impossible. It's one possibility in life that kinda smack me on my face as a good reminder to appreciate my time and the people around me more.

The after-exam recovery

2007-06-25T10:20:00.001+08:00

Well, the good news is it's finally over; the bad news is I might have to redo the unit. I know I did bad for anatomy in final paper, but I've done my best with the time I had. I never failed a unit so I didn't know how horrible is the feeling having to think you have disappointed yourself and also most significantly, your family. When I talked to my mom over the phone about it, there was a brief silence, perhaps disappointment..I immediately felt so guilty that I bawled my eyeballs out after hanging up with her. I never really disappointed my parents, I avoid doing so and if I do fail this time (unless miracle happens), it'll be one of the big ones.

I've been working a lot after exams, I don't think I can survive without having anything to do really, so in a way it's good. But, I'm actually quite burnt out, I'm thinking of taking a week off from work soon and just chill and go wild that week. We'll see.

Apart from that, I've also been looking out for some different things to do. Remember that old saying that says live life to fullest, I haven't really done that yet but that's my delayed-2007-new-year-resolution. I've always appreciated arts and music but never really did something about it so I'm thinking of looking out for some play/musical/orchestra of some sort whereas for outdoor activity, I've always wanted to learn kayaking, keeping an eye for that too. It's funny how I never liked changed but now all of a sudden I want a change.

Stepping out of my comfort zone has never been easier and I have a good feeling about it. I've finally realized life's too short to put things off, you don't know what happens next so whilst you are still around, pursue it rather than wasting your time with unproductive or un-meaningful things. Life's got so much to offer.

The verdict

2007-06-21T04:33:00.000+08:00

4:34am, Thursday the 21st of June.

I have approximately 4 and a half hour until my final Anatomy exam which I have to go really well to be able to pass my whole unit. I've never felt as scared and insecured about an exam before. All of a sudden, the guilt, the fear, the anger and disappointment in myself surfaced. I am too scared and too worried to fall asleep and whenever I tried to sleep I have sudden gush of Anatomy questions probing into my head - what's the nerve and root supply for this muscle, that muscle, how does the muscle look like, where it originates and where it ends; what happens when this bone is fractured and how to fix - as a result, I jumped off the bed and opened my books again.

I managed to catch a 2 hours sleep, after taking a sleeping pill as tranquilizer, a panadol for my pounding headache - and still with the pills I couldn't really sleep, my heart was beating so fast that I felt so sick and felt like throwing up. I peeped onto the floor and Bebe was snoozing soundly, I dragged her up my bed and cuddled her, and I think it's her presence that gave me a little comfort and allowed me to have a quick nap for 2 hours before waking up with fear again. Well, 2 hours is better than nothing I suppose.

My last read through now.
God bless me.

Let's talk about dawg!

2007-06-19T17:14:00.000+08:00

I've been shopping for Bebe lately, despite her super rebellious attitude just to drive me so mad that I want to smack the taste out of her. Trust me, it isn't nice to come home from your not-so-great exam to find her playing with her own shit - I could feel my blood pressure spiking, and fumes coming out from my nostrils..and with red bull running in your's truly's blood stream then isn't a really great idea too. I could instantly turn into a monster.

Haha. Negative things aside, I've got these two pieces for her:

Cute huh? Hehehe, I've been spending so much on her clothing. If only she can stop destroying and planting big holes into them! Oh, you tell me how to teach her! I've done almost everything I can think of, it seems to slip out of her mind 2 minutes after I punish her every time. And for God's sake, they are not cheap ok. One of her clothes is more expensive than my own sometimes, believe it! You'll be amazed when you really shop for a dog, you can get their pyjamas, socks, hat, sunnies, bathrobe, bathers, dress, poncho, wool jacket, jumper, jersey..you name it, they have it!

I should start thinking about a birthday party for Bebe..and hopefully she can receive some cute gifts, lol. Dogs nowadays are like kids. If you're invited to Bebe's party next time, please be reminded to bring some nice gifts ok, there are a lot available out there :) Joking!